whisper, babe

I am alone in this bed, house, and head. And she never fixes this, but at least she helps me forget.

[vglycherries-blog]

miss--addison--montgomery:

“Shit…” Addison couldn’t imagine something like that happening, not to that extent. After seeing how her mother reacted to the ‘incident,’ she couldn’t even imagine putting her through something like that. “I guess I see your point, then. I don’t know, I… I can understand why I ended up here at least. I don’t know why I was fired and I’ll probably be bitter about it for the rest of forever, but… After I got fired, things got really bad. This one night, I ended up getting really fucked up and I was binging and purging a shit ton and I was really drunk and during a purge, part of my esophagus tore and I passed out… When I woke up, I was in the hospital and the first thing I saw was my mother who just looked so horrified…. I’ve never seen her so scared…” In telling her story, she had kind of forgotten that it was Chris she was talking to. He was a total stranger who probably didn’t have time for her issues because he had his own to worry about. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I just told you all of that… But I guess you’re right, they’re just trying to help…” 

Chris had always done stupid and risky things ever since he was a teenager - it had never been something he considered to be bad, though. He did what felt right to him, what he felt he needed to do, and most of the time it severely affected other people in bad ways. The blonde thought that it was good that Addison’s mother seemed to be there for her, though. His own mother wasn’t like that - she didn’t believe in psychiatry, so Chris’s mental health was a taboo topic for her and she avoided it whenever possible. At one time, she’d even denied that he’d tried to kill himself and said that he had an accident. “I don’t mind hearing it, y’know? I like to hear other people’s stories. I think you and I are a lot alike. I mean - given, my mom doesn’t care about my mental health, she still wants me to get better and come live with her,” That wasn’t what he wanted, though, he wanted to be out on his own because he never had been. “That’s why I wanna get better, I guess. I wanna live on my own so I don’t have to live with one of my parents. I wanna see you get better while I’m here, though. I really do.”

[lexus--cain-deactivated20191107]

vglycherries:

For a while, Chris had loved hearing that stuff too. He wanted to be so skinny that people worried, that people told him that he needed to eat. It made him feel good, even if these people were genuinely concerned about him. “You could always try to do it again once you get better. Even if it doesn’t wait, there’s always more opportunities, y’know? You can do other things.” He was a flight risk as well - the last time he was released, Chris had disappeared for months and hadn’t told anyone where he was, which was why he was back here now. His outpatient agreement had been broken and he wasn’t trusted yet. “I understand, though. It wasn’t my choice to be here, either - it never has been. I was content in my sickness, as fucked up as it sounds. I was happy being sick and making myself worse every day, that was just how I coped with all the shit in my life, y’know? I have a feeling that you’re the same way.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right…” she said with a soft nod. As he continued to talk, it only further confirmed that they were very much alike. “Yeah… I’ve spent a lot of time coping in ‘unhealthy ways.’ Or at least, that’s how my parents put it… But I… I had shit figured out and I was going to be fine. Yes, I was going through shit but once people found out about it, it was all blown out of proportion…”

[vglycherries-blog]

Chris saw a lot of himself in Addison and he hated it. He could see just how sick she really was, and it made him realize that he was the same way. Of course, now he wanted to get better and that's what he was working toward, but he knew that he wasn't quite there yet and still needed a lot of work. "I don't think they blew it out of proportion too much, at least now you're getting help. People did what they thought was best for you," He was frustrated when he was involuntarily admitted, too. "I used to cut myself if I ate, and when I went too far and hit a vein I was angry when my stepmom called an ambulance. I thought that she was overreacting and needed to just let me deal with things how I wanted to, yknow? I was angry with her for years because of that, but now I realize she was just looking out for me."

[vglycherries-blog]

miss--addison--montgomery:

She knew it was awful and sick but when he said that he could tell she was bulimic but that he would’ve guessed anorexic, it only pleased and reassured her efforts, though she pretended to not be affected by his words. She gingerly shook her head and said “No, not really… Not at all, actually. I had a career and big things were happening for me… I was about to make my god damn Broadway debut and then they suddenly told me that they had to ‘let me go’ but that there would still be a place for me there once I’m healthier.. That’s not going to happen though. Broadway doesn’t ‘wait’ for people. That chance is gone and…I’m done.” It was hard not to be so bitter about what had happened. Addison wasn’t totally delusional, she knew some people really did want her to see her get better but most just saw her as a flight risk. Sure, she had a few bad habits but it’s how she coped with stressors and frankly, it was nobody’s god damn business anyways.

For a while, Chris had loved hearing that stuff too. He wanted to be so skinny that people worried, that people told him that he needed to eat. It made him feel good, even if these people were genuinely concerned about him. “You could always try to do it again once you get better. Even if it doesn’t wait, there’s always more opportunities, y’know? You can do other things.” He was a flight risk as well - the last time he was released, Chris had disappeared for months and hadn’t told anyone where he was, which was why he was back here now. His outpatient agreement had been broken and he wasn’t trusted yet. “I understand, though. It wasn’t my choice to be here, either - it never has been. I was content in my sickness, as fucked up as it sounds. I was happy being sick and making myself worse every day, that was just how I coped with all the shit in my life, y’know? I have a feeling that you’re the same way.”

[vglycherries-blog]

Tell us about your near death experiences

“My first one, and the worst, was when I was twenty-three and tried to kill myself. It was really strange - I remember being in the bathtub and I know that I was bleeding pretty heavily, and I’d taken some pills - but after a little bit it was almost like an out of body experience. Like… Some part of me, my soul or something, was floating over me and I was watching myself bleed out. There was no moment of my life flashing before my eyes or anything like that. After, though, it was just black. I heard some really deep voice, I’ve always thought that it was god, but it just said that it wasn’t my time to go - and, truthfully, I hated that. Then there was a jolt and everything was bright and white and blurry, it was like I was thrown back into my body. By that time I was at the hospital and they’d shocked me because my heart had stopped. That’s all I remember of it, everything after that is just a foggy memory.”

[vglycherries-blog]

If you could go the most perfect place in the world, what would it look like? Bonus: pick five people to bring with you

“The perfect place for me is the beach. The sand would be white and the water would be crystal clear. I’d be able to see all the fish swimming in the ocean, and the sun would be high in the sky all day. I’d take Heather, Pepper, Addison, and Cory with me. Kimber would come, too, but I think that one’s an obvious answer.”

[vglycherries-blog]

What would you like to say to your parents?

“I’d like to tell daddy that I’m not coming home. I just - I know he won’t be happy about it and I know that he’ll try to stop me from doing what I want, but I’m grown. If I can get an outpatient deal, then he has to know that he can’t have that kind of control over me anymore. I mean, if it were up to him, I’d be at home suffering through all of this behind closed doors, because that’s just how things are done with him. I wanna tell him that I love him no matter what, though.

I wanna tell my mom that I love her, too. Honestly, after she let my sisters come, that’s kind of pushed me to want outpatient, y’know? If I have an apartment, they can come to visit. I wanna thank her for giving me some kind of reason to work harder.”

[vglycherries-blog]

Three things you would like to do the most right now?

“Go home to get my stuff, get a dog, and get an apartment with Kimber.”

[vglycherries-blog]

Do you think you're ready to start working towards recovery?

“Yeah, because I want to get out of here. At this point, I’m working toward being able to do outpatient therapy. But I do wanna stay here - in New York, I mean. I wanna get an apartment.”

[vglycherries-blog]

happiest moments of your life?

“My real happiest moment was when I was twenty and I had a modelling gig for some independent photographer. I mean, he wanted me to strip, but it was cool to feel like someone actually wanted me that way, I guess. I lived with the guy for a hot minute and let him take pictures, and I remember being genuinely happy. There were days when I could just lay out by the pool in nothing but heart shaped sunglasses and little towels over my chest and crotch. That was a good time, it’s a good memory, y’know? I miss that.”

[vglycherries-blog]

[lexus--cain-deactivated20191107]

vglycherries:

“It’s an outlet, sure, but sometimes it just isn’t good for some people, y’know?” Chris shrugged. “I mean, when I’m home I like to go out clubbing and dancing all the time, but it would be different here. Right now I’m too sick to be at home, and if a dance class was optional in here, I’d go and dance and do things until I couldn’t stand up anymore - I’m…” He trailed off for a moment - he knew he had to say the word, that was part of getting better. “Bulimic. If I don’t throw up, I exercise. So it just isn’t good, y’know? It would make me sicker.”

Damn. She had way more in common with him than anyone else here and they were still just practically strangers. She let out a cynical chuckle and said “Well, shit… I guess you have a good point.” She didn’t want to put her personal business out in the open but it wasn’t really fair to someone who’d just openly admitted to an issue just so she could have a better understanding of what they meant. “I’m bulimic, too, so…” she said, looking down at shoes once again. 

[vglycherries-blog]

Usually, Chris wouldn't talk about his problems. He'd never even admitted that he was sick until recently. But since that revelation, he'd been more willing to talk about things. For the first time in his life, he was getting things off his chest and it kind of felt nice. Looking her over, the blonde hummed softly and nodded. "Yeah - I can tell," He shrugged, smiling softly. "I would've guessed anorexic, but still." Shifting a bit, he gave Addison another gentle squeeze around the shoulders. It was strange for him - he never felt this comfortable with new people, but he was feeling calm and happy to be around the girl. "Are you happy that you're getting help? I mean, was it your choice?"

[vglycherries-blog]

miss--addison--montgomery:

“Okay, I’m not surprised but…how would that keep people from making progress?… It’s an outlet, it’s something that people enjoy doing–okay, maybe not a whole lot of people but still…” None of the activities Chris listed sounded all that entertaining but there wasn’t much she could do about it. 

“It’s an outlet, sure, but sometimes it just isn’t good for some people, y’know?” Chris shrugged. “I mean, when I’m home I like to go out clubbing and dancing all the time, but it would be different here. Right now I’m too sick to be at home, and if a dance class was optional in here, I’d go and dance and do things until I couldn’t stand up anymore - I’m...” He trailed off for a moment - he knew he had to say the word, that was part of getting better. “Bulimic. If I don’t throw up, I exercise. So it just isn’t good, y’know? It would make me sicker.”

[vglycherries-blog]

arthuralaam:

Surprised would be a big understatement as Arthur stared on with his jaw slightly agape upon seeing what was happening before him - his first action was to assume this person had been attempting to pull something so severe to himself and call a nearby nurse. Brown orbs widening, he immediately adverted his focus from his task to the maroon droples that were spilled on the covers. “Are you okay?” He asked, approaching closer but not close enough to alarm him hopefully. “Did you get hurt?”

Even though he knew that it was risky, Chris didn’t think he would get into too much trouble - he hadn’t cut himself or anything like that, but he knew that scratching like this would still e considered intentional harm. Letting out a shaky breath, the blonde moved back to sit on his now bare bed, looking up at the other and shaking his head. “I’m fine,” A smile spread across his lips and he shifted so that he sat cross-legged. “I just - had an accident, it’d okay. Everything’s fine.”

[vglycherries-blog]

miss--addison--montgomery:

“Well…thanks for the positivity,” she said with a small smile. “So what’s there to do for fun around here? I can’t imagine there’s any kind of dance or theater program here?…”

“You’re welcome, honey. It’ll all work out for you.” He smiled, leaning back against the couch and stretching his legs out, kicking his feet up onto the coffee table in front of them. “Oh, no, definitely not. That’d be risky - people like me would be doing that for exercise and it’d keep us from making progress,” Chris knew that a dance program would be fun, sure, but he also knew that it’d hinder him in his progress. “Um, you can walk around in the garden or watch television, or just hang out or something. I usually hang out in my room, I don’t like being in here too much unless there’s something I wanna watch.”

[vglycherries-blog]

cory-blake:

Cory stood aside awkwardly. He took some deep breaths, definitely trying to calm himself before getting close to Chris. He squatted in front of him, putting his hands under Chris’s arms and helping him up. “Let’s go, my baby.” He tried to be gently.

As they stood up slowly, Chris almost immediately wrapped Cory in a hug and hid his face in the other’s shoulder, sniffling softly. “I love you,” He murmured, running his fingers up and down his back slowly. “Just wanna stay with you.” Truthfully, this was one of the few things that would make him feel better - Cory always calmed him down, no matter what the situation was, and he needed that.

[vglycherries-blog]

narcissistgwen:

What could she say? No matter what words came out of her mouth, they just made Chris cry harder and it was difficult to watch. Looking away from him, the blonde shook her head. “I know you have. Things just take time.”  She wasn’t equipped to deal with this but she did love Chris. Why was she so afraid of saying something wrong to him? She never wanted to make him worse but she had when they were in Brown. Feeling his head on her lap, she ran her fingers down his face. Gwendolyn was thinking about what she could say without bringing her own feelings into it. She was a narcissist and didn’t everyone know it…It was proving hard for her not to talk about herself but she needed to prove to herself that she could be useful and put someone’s feelings ahead of her own. “These things take time, Chris. I know it must feel awful, having to wait but you’re loved and that is a beautiful thing. You have so much, I just wish you yourself saw how deserving of it you are. You can do this, there’s just no quick fix for this…”

Chris breathed in sharply and exhaled slowly, trying to calm himself down a bit. He hated being like this - how hard he was crying was physically hurting his ribs and that just made him feel worse. He squeezed his eyes shut and kept his head rested against Gwen’s thigh, breathing in and out slowly. This wasn’t how he wanted to make up with her - he wanted things to be normal between them again, sure, but this wasn’t the way he wanted it to happen. “I just don’t know what to do anymore.” That was one of his most prominent thoughts recently; he didn’t know what to do, how to handle his problems, how to feel better. Nothing seemed to work for him anymore and he not knowing how to handle himself was rough. “I’ve been trying to fix it since I was seventeen, it almost seems like it isn’t worth it anymore.” This time, his voice dropped a little and it was more serious, albeit almost monotone. It was hitting him that maybe, just maybe, there was no fixing it, that this was just how his life was going to be. “I mean, maybe I just have to live like this until the end. God’s probably punishing me for something.”

[vglycherries-blog]

miss--addison--montgomery:

“Nice to meet you, too, Chris,” she smiled, not minding much when he put his arm around her. Something about him just kind of made her trust him. “So, how long have you been here? If you don’t mind me asking, of course.” She wasn’t necessarily sure what she was allowed to ask and what she wasn’t. Was it like prison where you didn’t ask someone what they were there for? Was that even a thing?…

When she didn’t push him away or shrug him off, Chris was kind of surprised. Most people, especially strangers, didn’t particularly like it when he got touchy - so Addison allowing him to keep contact was a nice gesture, he thought. “I don’t mind,” Reaching up with his other hand, he brushed some hair back from his face and tucked it behind his ear. “Here, probably about a year total. But I’ve spent a good chunk of my life in other places, too, not just here. That’s why I know you’ll get used to it, y’know? It’ll get better for ya.”