NO DICE

The name's Vinnie Lombardi. I'm 31 years old, and my aunt Nancy and me run a restaurant in Little Italy. I Sapori Di Sicilia. Stop on by if ya want some real food, but don't start no trouble. Or I'll kick ya ass.

[soleil-bordeaux]

That’s assuming a lot about women on the whole, Vinnie. I suggest you check yourself, sir.

[vinnie-lombardi]

Check myself before I wreck myself, huh? Nah.

[soleil-bordeaux]

Naaah.

And how do you mean?

[vinnie-lombardi]

It's just...ya ever notice how if a bunch a' people are talking, the guys do most of it. And I figure it's 'cause they just expect the chicks to jump in, but they don't. You gotta, like, ask 'em what they wanna say. So it's the same but different.

[soleil-bordeaux]

Oh just let me have this, no one calls me nice names.

[She laughs.]

I have a lonely existence, Vinnie! Be nice! And I’m fan-freakin’-tastic and don’t you forget it. And I know it is, but it’s sexist, be nice.

[vinnie-lombardi]

I'm sure plenty a' people call ya nice names. Yer pretty fuckin' nice.

I'm always fuckin' nice. And sexist my ass. I treat men and women the same but different. S'cause men and women are just different. 

[soleil-bordeaux]

Yeah but I got sweetheart.

[She grins batting her eyes teasingly.]

I think you’re swell vinnie!

[She makes a face like she is concentrating very hard but then looks down and pouts dramatically, hands coming up to cup her breasts.]

Nope, still have boobs, so I must still be a woman. You’ll have to settle for wingwoman.

[vinnie-lombardi]

Yeah, well, here's to not lettin' things go to yer head, huh? [Vinnie snorts.] Yer alright when ya wanna be I guess.

Wingman's a figure a' speech, smart aleck. 

[soleil-bordeaux]

Oh, I’m sweetheart now? 

[She bats her eyes at him.]

Lucky me! And I don’t mean book smarts, you’re smart, I can tell. But you do you Vinnie, you know I like ya just fine.

[She punches his arm gently.]

And I shall find someone for you to touch mouths with. You deserve it.

[vinnie-lombardi]

I call everyone fun names. Don't worry 'bout it. [Vinnie snorts.] Yeah, well, if I was smart, I'd smoke less and drink more. And gee, thanks. Now I can sleep at night knowin' ya like me just fine.

What? You gonna be my wingman?

[soleil-bordeaux]

If I had made you a swear jar you’d owe me like over fifty bucks.

[She grumbles a little before her eyebrows shoot up.]

How am I mean to you? I just don’t see why you talk like an idiot when you’re not.

[vinnie-lombardi]

Fifty bucks probably wouldn' even be near what I owe ya, sweetheart. Hate to say it. [Vinnie smirks.] 'Scuse you. I'm just sorta...ya know, colorful. Cursin' helps me express myself, yeah? And, fuck, I got a high school degree. Can't talk like no...scholar shit. S'all snobs.

[soleil-bordeaux]

Well I am going to tell her you are cursing superfluously in front of a lady.

Or maybe I will make you a swear jar. I mean I curse but you take it to a whole new level Lombardi.

[vinnie-lombardi]

Pfft. Superfluously. That's a dumbass word. You oughta be nicer to me, ya know.

Fuck. Balls. Motherfucker. Shit. Tit. Screw. There. I got it all out for a while. 

[soleil-bordeaux]

I’m gunna tell your aunt if you don’t quit dropping so many f-bombs!

[vinnie-lombardi]

Eh, she knows I do it, and she don't mind as long as it ain't in her presence.

[soleil-bordeaux]

Why would I want to do that when everyone is out touching mouths with someone else in New York right now?

Why aren’t you touching mouths with someone?

[vinnie-lombardi]

'Cause I ain't got no one to fuckin' touch mouths with. I mean, I know I'm a fuckin' stud, but eh, sometimes I'm single.

[soleil-bordeaux]

Valentines schmalentine’s day.

[vinnie-lombardi]

Ya can't sit here and mope. Let's go out. 

[marie-ramsay-blog-blog]

Children are adorable on Valentine’s Day. They don’t yet understand the agony of actual relationships and that love isn’t real. And I think that’s beautiful. 

[vinnie-lombardi]

Maybe they should make vodka juiceboxes so we can catch em' before it's too late.

[soleil-bordeaux]

I don’t want my liver to die, I like it, it serves a purpose.

[She nods.]

I dunno. You don’t seem like a football guy.

[vinnie-lombardi]

Hey, my liver does okay. I mean, sorta. Maybe.

I'm not, but it's the Superbowl. And I like sports as much as the next guy. 

[soleil-bordeaux]

Look at me I’m 5’1” I think it would kill me!

Did you watch the superbowl?

[vinnie-lombardi]

You just gotta build up a tolerance!

'Course I did. Don't everyone? 

[soleil-bordeaux]

Help a sister out, have a drink with me.

[vinnie-lombardi]

But it'd be funnier to just watch ya chug the whole thing.

[soleil-bordeaux]

No Vincent! I am very sober.

[vinnie-lombardi]

Well, then that fuckin' sucks.

[soleil-bordeaux]

Yay Patriots! Now I need a beer.

[vinnie-lombardi]

Havin' a good time there, Soleil?

[soleil-bordeaux]

My heart wasn’t in it either but I think it’s why I don’t get on as well now with him.

[She shrugs a little.]

Anyway, moving on. Dating is for the birds.

[vinnie-lombardi]

Well, ain't no one can force ya to get on on with no one. And dun' forget it, huh? [He grins.] And beeds. Don't forget the bees.