RIBS OF GLASS

recording dreams, contemplations, and pending adventures

[violetcrayons]

New Moon

1) Expectations - Ace of Staves

The expectation from others that I use my talents, and continue to push forward, and continue to work toward great things, or be good, is crippling, but present.

2) Lay down Boundaries - Inverted King of Coins/Pentacles

There is someone willing to gamble with my emotions and bring me into situations that threatens my values and security. 

3) What do I need to lay to rest, to move forward? - Ten of Swords

I need to bury the desolation and sadness that I carry with myself. Feeling hopeless is not going to benefit my future.

4) How can I ground myself? - The Fool

Returning to childlike views. 

5) How can I balance myself? - Inverted World

I need to seek growth in order to find fulfillment. I need to push myself and find the momentum to make the major changes that are due.

6) How will I reclaim power? - Inverted Lovers

I need to sort falsehoods and seek the truth in someone I love. Take time or separation to examine.

[violetcrayons]

It is always a lost hope and entirely unrealistic. I think that being vulnerable, being honest, and allowing myself to make someone incredibly important to me, means they will allow me to feel that way for them. Instead, anything that makes me momentarily feel special will be undercut and misinterpreted by my desire. Those words and feelings aren’t uniquely for me. I can nurture my own self-esteem, but I want the piece that doesn’t come from myself.

[violetcrayons]

I just can’t be on this planet. I can’t be human. I can’t be cursed as this woman.

[violetcrayons]

I’m so bad at existing.

[violetcrayons]

As years have passed I found ways to cope with anxiety, my own devices. One of the silliest moments I recall, that made a substantial change in my life, was getting on the Magnum roller coaster at Cedar Point. My best friend and I were fourteen and it had been years since I visited the park. This was the first time that I was tall enough to take on any ride I desired. 

Fear of roller coasters is pretty common, and easily avoided, but I really didn’t want to walk away disappointed with myself. I threw my body in line and decided I wasn’t going to think about what was happening. Once I was in the queue it was out of my hands. Each step of entering the car, locking myself in, and the climb up the massive hill, I continued to encounter as separate tasks without thought of what caused the fear. Once the drop came, and the cars were in motion, there was no choice to stop. I loved every second. We rode every ride.

That moment didn’t come back to me until years later. I started to call upon the idea of throwing myself into a situation, and knowing that once that happened, it couldn’t be undone, I had to react, create solutions, move forward. 

[violetcrayons]

Female Empowerment

While I believe in gender and sexual fluidity, this is the world of the heterosexual male. The more I think about women empowering themselves by embracing and expressing their sexuality, the more it seems the heterosexual male wins. He no longer has to work for the female attention, he swims in a sea of available women, all tearing each other down and fighting to show how much power their vagina has. Wouldn't it be more empowering for women to band together, express sisterhood, support, and high self-worth, to create a world where the male needs to prove he is even needed? Hey, don't necessarily need the cock.

[violetcrayons]

I want to be wanted, possessed, hoarded, clutched at, and needed. I’ll give it all back, I’m starving to be consumed by another. 

[violetcrayons]

I trusted.

[violetcrayons]

I finally understand what it means to be truly and completely in love. How is it even possible for two timelines to converge at nearly the exact moment they should? 

[violetcrayons]

Not knowing is the worst kind of torture.

[violetcrayons]

Incapable of being a human that relates to other humans, but lacking the apathy to be anti-social. What quality would lead to a more fulfilling life: apathy or ignorance?

[violetcrayons]

Yes, there is truly nothing. Each mistake breaks another rib. The bones turn inward to the heart, driving deeper with each breath. Nothing can remove the shards or what remains will deflate, and so it must beat on, bearing each new pain.

[violetcrayons]

Can you be independent and tethered at the same time? Is there a balance or no possibility of an even scale? Beyond here lies a terrain of extremes that I try to occupy all at once. 

Yearning for simplicity, I can count the threads in the knitted throw. My fingers twist the ends, braid them, and never know when they unwind. A silent night so heavy. There is no need for a visiting demon, applying pressure to the chest. 

[violetcrayons]

Liquid pours in, a stream of ages. Herbal and fragrant, the taste is seductive. A throat so parched it absorbs every drop, a mouth left yearning. The lips are quiet but they want to dance. Each step is too thoughtful. More nectar is required. 

[violetcrayons]

Silent and cold has been our anthem. Light filtered by tree branches graces our forms. There is a warmth within, unexpressed and hidden. Footprints melted in the snow.

[violetcrayons]

These ribs are still glass. Exposed to frigid air and making a hollow sound. My hands grasp at warmth, packing leaves between the bone. 

[violetcrayons]

I’m going to hold your hand and walk this path. My feet will not stumble as I navigate these rocks. They are old and worn, feet of generations have traversed. Winding along the mountain as the path rises and falls there is no end. These winds mean nothing as they howl and push at my skin.