@whiskeycoloredhair ASKED: Therapy doesn’t work on me. For Keigo
// HANNIBAL SEASON 1 SENTENCE STARTERS
keigo was a lot of things, but not a vessel for someone else's issues; not in such a way. he thought so for the longest time, despite the obvious struggles julian faced, despite the good look he got at him over a long time; and down the road decided to give heart and soul for him, whatever else it takes, he'd GIVE it.
even if only the worst of him belongs to keigo, and even if an outcome cannot be easily predicted. he decided to roll with it; the problems, the WORST he has to offer, and still would even if therapy did not take root for him, even if efforts were wasted for naught.
falling in love was way too easy to be prepared for all that it entails – for them, for all they're worth, it's more and more struggles with each new day and despite it all; decisions, made actively or with a mind too INFATUATED and hooked up on him, did not change but god, did they stumble.
wavered, slowly so, after so long, this many therapists, this much money spent on the best this country has to offer. they did not help. they gave up if julian didn't, and told them he lacks what even the worst has; A WILL, to continue, to become better in every way, or just any way;
and today, when keigo looks in the mirror, he cannot tell who he sees anymore but it's not himself. it tears on him, too. makes him TIRED, easily angered by the littlest things;
feeling the light didn't come easy anymore like it used to.
it's hardly a comfort, only carries more worries with it. but leaving him? with all this? it's the least troublesome solution, what's considered right if he was in any position to make it in the first place, and sane enough to decide for himself when it was TIME TO STOP. keigo cannot say julian did not try attempt therapy;
and keigo has never been around, usually the centers did not allow him to be close to julian for a certain amount of time; but all those times he skipped sessions, OR SIMPLY LEFT on his own accord without even thinking to ask keigo, showed up at his doorstep in the dead of night; all that tears on him. lays nerves bare, and tears on those as well.
the thought of never getting out of this makes him feel small, weak, incapable. but he loves him, and he isn't going to leave. AT LEAST HE DOESN'T WANT TO.
❝ are you even TRYING anymore, julian? think of all the god damn money that's wasted, yeah? for a change? i'm... i'm tired. ❞ he doesn't want to.