vismay

[vismaysambodhak]

And when there is no one on the receiving end of these pages,

When the song still goes on, your presence knocks at a strangers door,

And the collateral damage fossilised under my lung, breaks on to my skin-

I implore, the red I held so dearly- I watch myself dissolve entirely into some ink,

And you wash your hands-clean.

The socket of my eye held by some vibrant image of a door- remains ajar,

Now when you have become something that’s more than human, your flesh and blood condense in my bone and yet I can’t declare that I won’t find home.

Is it even possible to have someone turned into something so divine,

Cause I swear when I saw you were just human- Cause I swear when I saw you, the mirage just turned you into my own.

As of now, I autocannibalise myself to get rid of you-

And when my hands grow apart, I call it prayer, that becomes. You.

[mournfulroses]

Sylvia Plath, from a letter to Olive Higgins Prouty written c. 1950, featured in The Collected Letters

[vismaysambodhak]

and they say that grief is the price you pay for love, and I- I am glad but had i known, a hunger so big that my entire life has entered in it. That i lived on as an embodiment of a memory, that I am so desperately trying to cling to the figments of me that you used to love,

[vismaysambodhak]

do pal ka sath, sadiyon ki yaadein

[vismaysambodhak]

It takes a while to settle the dust, when the words dont flow in when i dont leave, when i don’t find

Home- or you

Oh its so funny, that I share a light, that it burns only for you, that you don't mind being the sun yourself, that its negligent how low i dim, that i still do and i dont fall, but-

Its still nothing,

Like how i was made of a prayer, that casted only you. That i was some faith you never believed in

[vismaysambodhak]

A maggot-

With a hunger so uncertain, i keep eating myself away because theres no one else

[vismaysambodhak]

Face me, face me again, tell me the cries are just as futile, tell me the days passing by are nothing, tell me something about blood, that the love was never red (real)

hear me, could you? Was it loud enough to mould my ribs into you? Does the question not sound the same, do I not sound the same

Do I not have a face of my own, that finds you first before you take the knife into you? Do I still not feel the same?

Is there a touch as tender as a girl gagging on her own words to breathe another life- into you? Do you live the same when you find yourself kneeling at the altar, did you think of my knees too? Does it still not bother you?

Teach me how to use these words cause I gave mine to you, did you use them when I asked you why did you do it? Did you know there are landfills of hands like yours, but- how could they not come back to me, when I prayed to no one, did you see the light at the back of that chariot,

Did you see the fingertips, that raved about your love? Was I ever yours? or just nothing,

The beggar is only visible to the rich, I am just a commoner in your hands, another part sold for that dainty love, was it not safe?

as soon as I dusted off that floor, had I called? And- would you have listened?

Do you know the waver, that renders your ears, The flood that waits for your hem?

Do you have a heart for me that resembles a home? I wish to go home

[allloversbetray]

From "Before" by Ada Limón

[vismaysambodhak]

[vismaysambodhak]

how to be a child

[vismaysambodhak]

I’m left as a fossil to look around in the museum of the all people I’ve hurt. I ricochet from an antique to being the captor, unbearably alone.

The fatal flaw of this hunger was having a body, unbelonged to the belongings of love

The physical form was never actually out there, it was just a reminder of me.

It’s was just pain, disembodied.

[vismaysambodhak]

Naam tera lekar naa aaye, saas woh kis baat ki

[vismaysambodhak]

[vismaysambodhak]

[vismaysambodhak]

always demanding of life.

[vismaysambodhak]

i have known no other way to love, other than an echo of a prayer tied to my lungs— i have breathed loudly in hatred, i bawl at your absence— i have seen no other, than my ma splitting in pieces for my father/ i still carry these shards in my palms, when i love, it rots— when i find you, finally, you too— eye at my embrace, just to unclench your hands from my heart. I hold your dainty love delicately, to keep you from bargaining to fall into another/ i make a mess out of love— i call it a prayer, to prove you that i exist too, i make you my own— accidentally but intentionally I— dissolve you.

[vismaysambodhak]