barf

being perceived exposure therapy 19 | they/them

[vomitmanpukes]

in hindsight, playing fast and loose with how often I take my stimulant drugs was probably a really bad idea

[vomitmanpukes]

I’m to audhd what being metrosexual is to queerness. I exhibit the behaviors and relate to the media and have been clocked multiple times but it’s probably just my personality or something.

[vomitmanpukes]

When my meds wear off and the wrongness that in intrinsic to my nature settles itself into my bones.

[vomitmanpukes]

Wanted to get diagnosed mainly to prove myself and everyone else that I don’t just suck at life, I have an actual problem. Now after a lifetime of trauma and self-hatred plus half a decade of medical and interpersonal gaslighting, turns out it’s both.

[vomitmanpukes]

Since I don’t have the ability to be in real life communities right now, I want to participate in some sort of online community. Unfortunately, I am fucking terrified of being precieved and will delete my account if I feel too looked at.

[vomitmanpukes]

Mmm muscle soreness

[vomitmanpukes]

several parts of my personality have yet to be overanalyzed i’m soo behind

[vomitmanpukes]

My meds give me so much relief it almost feels like I shouldn’t be on them. Like maybe I tricked two therapists and two diagnostic tests by accident and now insurance is paying for me to get high. If I were even 10% less of an objective person I probably would’ve gotten off of them and told my doctor I have something else.

[vomitmanpukes]

It helps that the effects for intended versus recreational use are so starkly different. If the class of drugs literally labeled stimulants didn’t make me so calm to the point I get tired, my brain would convince me of a lot of stupid things.

[vomitmanpukes]

My meds give me so much relief it almost feels like I shouldn’t be on them. Like maybe I tricked two therapists and two diagnostic tests by accident and now insurance is paying for me to get high. If I were even 10% less of an objective person I probably would’ve gotten off of them and told my doctor I have something else.

[papayajuan2019]

i feel like one singular sesame seed. in this big wide world.

[vomitmanpukes]

Every minute I have to make a decision. I’m not built for this. I can’t make 200 decisions a day every day for the rest of my life. I can’t.

[vomitmanpukes]

So many thoughts in my head I feel like I’m one step away from full blown psychosis.

[vomitmanpukes]

The worst part about communicating is that I can’t not be a hypocrite.

My speech is literal but not perfectly literal. I want to be perceived as literal but I do not always perceive other people as literal. I want people to say frankly what they mean yet I do not always say frankly what I mean. Even trying to convey this makes me feel like a 3rd grader trying to solve every unsolved math problem in existence.

Everything in life is just concepts and nothing is concrete and nothing makes any sense.

[vomitmanpukes]

The more that I unlearn individualism and think of the world as interworking systems, the softer I feel inside. Just saw someone who labeled their queerness the same way I do but they’re experiencing it in such a different way than I am.

My brain automatically turned my initial thought of “This is my community! It’s so cool how two people can be both so different yet the same! ” into “That must be because everyone is different yet the same. Everyone is my community :)”

[vomitmanpukes]

Haven’t taken my meds in two days because I figured if they aren’t gonna work I might as well save them for a rainy day. Gonna take them today and rediscover why I need them.

[vomitmanpukes]

I might be an idiot

[vomitmanpukes]

Haven’t taken my meds in two days because I figured if they aren’t gonna work I might as well save them for a rainy day. Gonna take them today and rediscover why I need them.

[vomitmanpukes]

They really need to patch that bug that causes your adhd meds to just stop working for half the month if you have ovaries. It’s so annoying to go from a functioning adult to “ it’s hour 7 of me needing to pee” and “texting my friends is exhausting”.