Things I’ve figured out about me
if I’m not proving my worth to someone, do I even exist? Do I matter at all? Why don’t I just lock myself away and let myself rot like some forgotten meal? Why should I leave my room every day? Why eat? Why get a job? Why care about the rest of the world? Why see the beauty in everything?
I link my self esteem to how they feel about me. But it’s already at 0, I just need a little addition. 0x anything is still 0; but (0+2)anything can grow.
T= the motivation and positivity they give me
I’ve dug this hole, flung the dirt straight to the surface, and now I need someone to pull me out. But that’s the thing: it’s not quicksand, I won’t pull them in with me, i refuse to. Once they pull me out, I’ll be much more stable, I’ll finally have solid ground to walk on, something I don’t have to claw futilely to try and get out. I I’m standing, right there on my own two feet. I just need that tug and drag, no matter how harsh, to get me out of that hole before it rains.
And if they can’t pull me out? Then I’ll make sure they know it’s not their fault. That their actions didn’t make the hole any deeper, it just didn’t work. I’ll make sure that they know I’m incredibly grateful that they even tried. I’ll make sure they know how much that meant to me, and then I’ll check up on them regularly if possible, make sure they’re okay; they did something very few people even attempted, and for that they deserve respect and care.
If they feel pressured, then I’ll let them know they absolutely don’t have to. If it’s causing negative consequences for them, then it’s going to only make it worse, of course I’d never tell them that. I’d tell them I’ve been there for long enough, I’m not in any immediate danger. I’m okay. It’s not their fault. And once again. It’s an inequality: the product physically can’t be lower than what it started as from their actions.
If they decide to let go, the I’ll drop back to where I was. Where I’ve been, where I’ve packed the floor in. I’ll be fine, same way letting an apex predator back into its original habitat won’t kill it.
I don’t feel like I’m not loved, or neglected at all.
I just don’t deserve love, I’m not worth wasting time on, and I just feel like I’m just stressing people out and causing problems when they do care
I feel guilty when people are pained because they care and I worry them.
I’m a selective altruist: if I care about someone, I’ll put them above myself in an instant, but if don’t care, I don’t care. They are little to nothing
I was raised to believe that arguing with anyone never worked. That I was the child, that I’m not knowledged enough to ever be right. And that stuck. If I did try to argue, it was always taken as disrespectful, rude, and dishonest. So why even try to get into scenarios where that might happen? I didn’t want to argue with you because if you didn’t immediately understand, then i was less likely to be hated or undergo repercussions by just going silent. Can’t say something that’ll piss them off if you’re not saying anything, right? I tried to do that, and it didn’t work. It upset you more. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t explain myself, and I couldn’t just stop talking without you seeing it as something progressively worse. So it overwhelmed me.
I feel like love is something to earn,and if given in a situation where I feel like I haven’t earned it, it’s a debt I need to repay. I’ve never understood love well, but that’s how I was raised: when someone loves you, you have to pay them back in equal amounts. Whether that be time, money, or your own skin.
Being alive shouldn't be the standard for measuring if everything is okay.
Because I dont feel worth the effort. It’s not that I’m too stuck up to ask for help, I feel like I’m too much of an irritant, bother, in-the-way to ask. Every situation I avoid that pegs me as -prideful- is me avoiding things that make me feel parasitic. It’s not pride. It’s guilt, which is why I apologize constantly in hopes of offloading it without directing blame at anyone but myself. They’re micro-vents, self-deprecating or not
My explanation is not an excuse. I don’t wish for it to be an excuse, don’t see it as one.
Because MDD and the fact that I have a conditioned, genetically favored low self esteem. I physically can’t produce the same amount of chemicals you can to compute happiness, achievement, or pride
I literally don’t have enough alarms going off in my brain at any one time for it to go through to my functioning brain. I’ll forget to eat because I straight up am not being told I’m hungry, or those signals aren’t following through to computation. Like, they hit me, but like being punched in water. It doesn’t send the message to go eat
You know how I’m really impulsively violent? Like the whole ‘skin em.’ Or the occasional ‘slit his throat, belt sander to the kneecaps’ ? Apparently that’s OCD. Usually it can be shut down, but ADHD lets me process the information faster than I can comprehend the morality and shut it down.
what does she have that I don’t? What can she give you that I can’t? y’know? And… I found it. Accepted it. I’m not Jealous of her. She really is perfect. I couldn’t find a thing wrong with her. I just felt… inadequate. Insignificant. Sub-par. and that hurt more than jealousy ever did. How am I supposed to stay mad at her? Why does she get all that love, huh? Oh. That’s why. and then just a vacuum as the jealousy drove me to try, gave me hope in the chance of being significantly comparable.
I don’t value myself in a regular way, I have a bunch of skewed self image whatnots, so I learned to isolate a single trait and apply it to a blank slate and see if that adds or detracts from their charm, approachability, trustworthiness, you get the idea
andulkaphoto
titsay
amandla
gummygunk
