meeks' semi-secret diary

they/them ; non-binary ; 19 ~♡~

[w4n4be]

stats - July '24

Height: 158 cm | 5'1"

HW: 83,1 kg

LW: 56,8 kg

SW: 75,2 kg

CW: 72,4 kg

GW1: 70 kg

GW2: 65 kg

GW3: 60 kg

GW4: 56 kg

UGW: 50 kg [for now]

updating when I remember

[w4n4be]

I know from experience that eating very little is more sustainable for me than fasting, but only fasting makes me feel like I'm doing a good job.. damn :/

[w4n4be]

Took a sk1nny friend of mine out to dinner over the weekend and she ordered less than me, didn't finish her food (had it packed for later) AND asked me to finish her coke for her.

I'm pretty sure she's one of us (there are further indicators, but I don't wanna get into too much detail).

I need to get skinnier than her.

[w4n4be]

istg i can't make this sh_t up. same person who called me lazy earlier just called me a little piggy. like, as a joke, but also OUCH.

[w4n4be]

Nothing quite as triggering as someone calling me ✨️lazy✨️

Felt pretty good about eating these past few days, but that f-ing broke me. I'm done with my short attempt at recovery.

[w4n4be]

might be tmi, but..

- getting skinny so people will be less disgusted when my depression won't let me shower for a couple of days.

- getting skinny so my clothes can swallow me up until I feel like I'm barely there.

- getting skinny so there's no fat on my legs to restrict movement.

- getting skinny because I heard it betters top surgery results.

- getting skinny so I won't feel out of place next to my drop dead fvcking gorgeous friends.

- getting skinny so people don't just love me "as a friend".

- getting skinny to have more than just a good personality.

- getting skinny because being obsessed with getting skinny means I don't have the time to think about all the fvcked up shit that's still rotting away in my head even if I should've been over it a long time ago.

[w4n4be]

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really that disordered with all the food I stuff down my throat and how easily I fail at fasting, and then I realize I for sure have the self-hatred to make up for it.

I still wanna do good so bad though..

[w4n4be]

just found out skinny people sweat less lol, and tbh I never heard a better reason to keep going

[w4n4be]

do it for the baby-tees and mini-skirts

[w4n4be]

I'm so glad I don't live with my dad full-time anymore, because Jesus Christ the whiplash of going from

"Are you really full already? You should have some more."/"You need to eat, you haven't gad anything yet."/"You've lost so much weight!" aka oh fuck, he's figuring it out

to

"I'm glad you're not eating any bread, with all the carbohydrates"/"You know, exercise is very important for your health"/"Here are some of my favourite low-calorie foods. You can even eat how much you want without gaining weight! If you did that it would be very good for you."

is giving me fvcking migraines.

[w4n4be]

Rewatching 'the menu' and my god "You will eat less than you desire and more than you deserve" Hits. Hard.

[w4n4be]

I want to lose weight so bad and I am trying, but the mere thought of triggering my friends with a history of 4n4 makes me want to rip out my guts.. I'm so sorry.

[w4n4be]

the jealousy I feel towards my friends with chronic digestive problems because they always have an excuse not to eat is so real lol

[w4n4be]

My OMAD made me feel nauseous for like an hour after eating. 🙃

Didn't even taste that good. Truly, what a waste of c@ls.

[w4n4be]

If I ☆ve now, I'll be able to have a pizza in two days. And then I'll ☆ve again.

[w4n4be]

Visiting my family rn so I can't fast for as long, more so doing an omad thing. I miss it so much though!

I cooked yesterday and helped cook today so I can keep track more easily. Might go back home tomorrow - all this food is driving me insane. I feel sick.

[w4n4be]

42 hours into a 48 hour fast and I might have to end early. I feel violently nauseous and super dizzy..

[w4n4be]

Update: I did break at 42, had a chocolate bar and then a couple hours later ate like 900 cals..

I weighed in today at only 0.2 kg heavier than when I was still fasting though, which I count as a major W.

Losing 2 kg in like three days even though I ended my fast early made my motivation spike like nothing else !! Gonna attempt another 48h and make sure to drink more water to avoid nausea. Will update!

I'm also realizing now I haven't postet stats yet. I'm on it!