Abusers donāt come with warning labels.Ā
Abusers donāt hit you on the first date. They donāt writeĀ āI will humiliate and belittle youā on their Tinder profiles. They donāt wearĀ āI break things to intimidate my partnerā t-shirts. People donāt get trapped in damaging relationships because they saw an abuser coming from 20 yards away and decidedĀ āIām going to date that person anywayā. Thatās not how any of this works.Ā
In the beginning, abusers can be some of the most thoughtful, attentive people youāll ever meet. Theyāre obsessed with you; thatās what makes them so toxic and deadly as time goes on. Abusers buy you flowers. They remember your birthday. They remember to text youĀ āgood morningā andĀ āgood nightā. They listen to your problems, confide in you and share silly inside jokes. They can keep thatĀ āloving, doting partner and best friendā mask in place for months or years if they have to.Ā
So the first time they scream at you or hit you, you donāt see an abuser. You see your best friend, your confidante, the person who brought you soup when you were sick and always laughs at your stories about your nutty coworker. You tell yourself they just had a bad day. Maybe they were tired, sick, hungry, or under a lot of stress. You know them. Youāve made a life with them. And theyāre so sorry and so ashamed of what they did. This isnāt who they are.Ā
And so things go back to back to normal for a while. Wonderful, even. This is still one of the best relationships youāve ever been in, even counting that one incident. You go back to date nights, cozy nights in and 5-hour-long conversations that feel effortless.
And then it happens again.Ā
And you still donāt see an abuser. You see the person who means the most to you in the whole world. You decide that maybe theyāre just struggling. Maybe they have mental health issues. Theyāve told you every horrible thing thatās ever happened to them as a child, and maybe it has something to do with that. But either way, theyāre not an abuser. Not yet. Theyāre just a person who needs you more than ever.Ā
Then things are good for a while. Then something bad happens. Then itās good again. Then itās bad. Good. Bad. Good. Bad. And every time it happens, it gets a little harder to get out. The time youāve invested in the relationship goes up, and your self-esteem goes down. By the time you realize that, yes, the person you thought you knew is an Abuser with a capital A, youāre in deep. Youāre a frog that stood in a pot of water so long it turned you into soup before you even noticed it was getting a little warm. But you didnāt ask for this. And you certainly didnāt know it was coming.Ā
We have this image in our heads of what abusers must look like. We picture brawny men with low foreheads and stained white tank tops, screaming at their wives while they drink beer in front of the TV. We think theyāre like wildlife, as if we could spot them with the help of a guidebook and know to stay far away from them. But theyāre not. Abusers can be anyone. They can be female. They can be accomplished. They can be well-groomed. Queer. Politically far-left. Politically far-right. Artists. Athletic. Charitable. Intelligent. They can come from any walk of life, any spot on the gender spectrum, any religion, any background. Itās not the abused personās fault for not spotting them - they canāt always be spotted. Itās the abuserās fault for abusing.Ā
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