Happy Friendsgiving! Jon and Jeff were home from Vanderbilt and UD, so we got together for an evening of the fermented and IV practice, but more importantly, some heart to heart with the men in my life that always have my back.
Aside from the joking and trolling of JG and Ryan saying “TJ is going to enter you” and “He’s probing you”, as TJ tried 3 times before he finally got blood return, the conversation was honest, more silly but lovingly honest.
First, TJ said I was stuck up. And I could not let it go. Ryan didn’t disagree and said I was intense. Ohi arrived shortly after and agreed! I was in disbelief and completely butt-hurt that my closest bros thought of me this way! I wouldn’t drop it and kept asking for explanation, which only prompted more unsatisfaction. “You know what you want but you’re stuck up about it” “People who don’t know what they want are plebian to you” - And they always followed with “Jenn, this doesn’t mean we love you less, you’re still Jenn…” Anyways, I felt bad for a good while and they lessened their attacks because in all honesty, all of these “things I know I want in life” are accomplishments I am so grateful and incredibly humbled to have. It’s just weird having such a term associated to me, one that I never thought I would come across as.
Then Ohi asked about Bryan and I gave him the run down. After a moment of analyzing (?) our situation, he then said words that still bother me this morning. “I’m sure Bryan was getting a lot of tail when he had you in limbo.” It shouldn’t have this effect on me but the mere thought lingered a moment and made me sad. It felt weird hearing this from a guys point of view, because well, he’s a guy with a guy's mind. I would have never assumed such an idea because that sounds so… crass. To use someone’s body or emotions as a crutch to satiate your own loneliness... that's so selfish. Cruel. Demeaning.
After they bore the brunt of my sadness (LOL sorry), they lifted my spirits with silly games, amazing food, and more conversation of love and promises to stay family despite whatever lies ahead in our lives. I may look back at this is a year, 5, or ten years from now and we may or may not uphold our promises… but it was a beautiful moment of genuine companionship. I care for these guys and they care for me- right then and there. It’s misguided to hope for things not to change because the beauty of life is it’s state of flux, the dynamic of growth and maturation.
I believe these guys have helped me more than they know, that God sent me more brothers to show me my flaws and move me forward in getting over a drawn out, deteriorating relationship. Earlier this week, TJ was going through old pictures and they started popping up on my newsfeed. I ended up clicking through albums of old prom photos, high school adventures, and seeing those frozen moments made me happy. We aren’t as close, we don’t see each other as much, share the same interests anymore, nor do I still talk to all the people in those pictures, but having those moments made my life richer. I knew friendship and support because of those people.
It made me think of the pictures I have with Bryan in a new perspective. I’ve had them stored in a folder that sits on the corner of my desktop, waiting to put them in a USB and give to Esther so I don’t torture myself with seeing what was and pining for what could’ve been. Through my high school friends and our old pictures, I’ve learned a valuable lesson. I shouldn’t long for the moments with Bryan again because although they were moments, beautifully and preciously preserved on film, the people in them have changed. It sounds cliche, but you can’t hold on to an idea of someone- beit the person that once loved you enough to read you Neruda's 17th sonnet or the friends in high school that promised forever friendships- because that stunts the progress they could be making, retards them from growing to their potential, and keeps them stagnant, stuck in your idea. Today I’m just grateful, so incredibly grateful to have had all these people in my life to teach me about myself, to teach me how to appreciate the beautiful life I’ve been given.
Happy thanksgiving, Jenn. Remember this time last year? Your world was falling apart in that home, hidden in the beautiful vineyard forests of Angwin. You woke up early and made arepas for the person that had plans to break your heart, over and over again at that. You were afraid that your happiness was being taken away from you, but little did you know that his bravery was truly giving you your happiness back. You were devastated then, broken with control and security slipping out of your fingers, but a turbulent yet beautiful year later, you’re better. Happy again, restored by the grace of God and good friends, protected by family that love you. You’ve gained the wisdom of one that has loved and will continue to love in spite of heartbreak. You’ve learned to wish only happiness and joy for the people that have hurt you instead of wanting to retaliate and hurt him back. These baby steps are milestones of healing. And there is much to be grateful for.
stormborns
andulkaphoto
baratheonpilled
germansingergirl
annaxmalina
2087
turnnoffyourmind
dailybridgerton
kianamaiart
titsay
theartofmadeline
izzy806
