Ol' Warren Olney's Ghost

Scary

[warrenolneysghost]

you're wonderful and I love you

I love you too, sweet child.

P.S. Anonymity is pointless here. I am all knowing.

-WO

[warrenolneysghost]

BOO!

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So the other day around nine in the morning, I was wandering the halls in a satanic trance and I made my way into the living room where I saw the ghost of a foxy lady exiting through the wall of Warren's loft above the fireplace. 

Not saying there's a hot ghost affair happening but...she was definitely doing the float of shame. 

[warrenolneysghost]

The Fireplace

Legend has it that if you push on the fifth brick from the bottom on the right side of the fireplace it opens up a portal to the underworld that Warren presides over as a dutiful helper to Satan. 

Go on. Try it. I DARE YOU.

Haha, jk. Hell is scary. 

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Warren wants to go as Slutty Benjamin Franklin for Halloween. Trying to talk him out of it. 

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The Vision

I received a vision in my sleep the night before last. I believe it came from Warren because the next morning I woke up and scrawled in blood on my wall was "Yo that was me Olney btw. TTYL." 

Here's a detailed account of what was sent to me:

I see a door. Underneath that door there is a reddish glow like a fire (at this point I started to feel hot.) I am compelled towards the door and I open it. Standing in front of me now is a giant melting candle. However this candle has two arms and legs and a head. Okay, now that I type this I'm realizing that it was either a human shaped candle or a human covered in hot wax. Suddenly, the door slams shut and I wake up. 

So guys, what does this all mean? 

I think I'm going to investigate the fireplace tomorrow. If you have any tips or insights let me know!

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Sorry I haven't written anything for a while; it's just that for the past week my body was taken over by the spirit of Warren Olney and it was just this whole messy ordeal. I don't want to go into it but let's just say that there is no hope for any of us...

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Warren Olney was Jack the Ripper.

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Yo, not to freak anyone out but Warren Olney's ghost can probably see everybody change and take a shower. 

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The Pinky Ring

In the infamous portrait of Warren Olney, he’s wearing a ring which appears to be on his pinky finger. I found this to be very intriguing so I decided to dig deeper and discover the truth of this mysterious piece of jewelry.

Through extensive research, I think I have pieced together the actual story. (Some details might not be completely accurate do to gaps in information.)

It seems that the pinky appears in Warren Olney’s possession sometime after the Civil War. It should be noted that Warren Olney’s early educational experiences took place in LOG CABINS. Who else has connections to the Civil War and log cabins? That’s right; Abraham Lincoln. This will be important later.

This was all I could uncover for months until I stumbled upon a document in the Oakland Historical Archives from 1868. Warren Olney and his wife traveled from New York to San Francisco this year and the document consists of a travel log and a photo of Warren himself.

Upon a close examination of the picture a ring can be seen being worn around Olney’s neck on a small chain. Could this be the pinky ring? I believe that it is.

I had the photo blown up and compared to the portrait in the living room and it is most definitely the same piece.

With that I bring you the tale of the pinky ring which is 98.9% true:

Abraham Lincoln gave a then 21 year old Warren Olney the ring as a thank you gift for swearing to keep his life as a vampire hunter a secret after Warren saw him pouring the blood of a freshly slayed Confederate soldier into his stovepipe hat.

But little did Lincoln know, the widow of the now dead solider was also an ultra evil vampiress who cast a spell upon the ring which Honest Abe viciously robbed off the body of the Confed-pire. The spell curses anyone in possession of the ring and it plagues them with the desire to cause harm to the ones they love as well as constant diarrhea. The curse can never be broken and the ring is forever tied to the person it has been given too. The vampiress must have hope Lincoln would have bestowed it upon his wife, Mary. The curse can be lessened if the ring doesn’t come in contact with the wearers skin (thus the chain).

I believe that Warren Olney discovered that the ring was cursed after he couldn’t stop pooping and when he punched his mother in the face at family reunion. After putting the ring on a chain and making sure it never touched his flesh, the effects of the curse dulled; the violent shitting became less frequent and he only had vivid dreams and visions of kicking his cousin Edmund in the shins.

So there you have it. Also all of the documents and photos I discovered were destroyed in a spontaneous fire which was more than likely the doing of the vampiress.

[warrenolneysghost]

The Room

It has never been confirmed but many say that Warren Olney is around inhabiting the building in a small room behind the large portrait of him that hangs above the fireplace and twice a month he comes out at night around 2 p.m. to pee but not really because he’s a ghost and ghosts don’t pee; it’s just air and maybe a little condensation.

This tale is one of the less believed because like there is no room behind the painting but you know, ghost magic.

I like to think that this story is true and that Ol’ Warren is just kicking it in his little bay area loft space with white string lights along the wall and a poster of his favorite band, Arcade Fire or something, above his bed, drinking some herbal tea and painting his nails.

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The Long Thumb Nail

"Tap, tap, tap"

Do you hear that? That tapping? Could it be...?

I've heard the kids talk of the tapping legend on the playground. 

"Miss K. said that if you tap you're fingers or you're feet the ghost of Warren Olney will haunt your room for eternity. " 

Is that so? YES. 

The legend derives itself from the fact that Warren Olney had one long thumb nail that he liked to tap on everything, all of the time. One day, a colleague pointed this out to him and politely asked him to stop. His response was to stab that colleague with his long thumb nail repeatedly. Warren Olney claimed self defense...

Also, never tap anything for more than a minute or Mr. Olney himself will come in the middle of the night and stab you like fifty times every night until you die of old age/bleeding because of ghostly stab wounds. 

[warrenolneysghost]

The Lamp

Some people say that the couch-fabric lamp in the living room is actually a vessel for Warren Olney's third arm, the one he hid beneath a newspaper that was always several weeks old and people would be like "Warren, you still haven't read that paper?" and he'd be like "I'm a busy man!" and shuffle away. 

They also say that one day, a young maiden will be using the living space, taking full advantage of it and flailing about when she'll knock over the lamp and the arm will fall out. 

Then she'll pick up the arm in a trance and SUDDENLY THAT MOTHERFUCKING THIRD ARM WILL LOVINGLY CARESS HER FACE AND THE PAINTING OF WARREN OLNEY WILL SPEAK AND SAY "YOU ARE NOW DESTINED TO BE MY HELL BRIDE!" AND THERE WILL BE FIRE AND SHIT.