My life has melted down completely. I lived in more than 18 different places from the ages of 5-18. I had very few friends. I didn’t date. I didn’t go to a prom. I didn’t graduate high school. I grew up in a house full of verbal, emotional, physical and sexual abuse. I was sexually abused/assaulted by 7 men by the time I was 17 years old. I was basically my own parent at the age of 14. I had no soft place to land or call home. No one to encourage me or protect me. I felt so tiny and insignificant growing up. I was so incredibly lonely. Like the world was so big and I didn’t matter. No one knew I even existed. No one cared. I was never enough. When I got married I thought that would change. It didn’t really. He would listen to me. But that’s about it. His mom was mean to me always. He never one time protected me from her disdain. She had the chance to love a young girl who had never really been loved but she chose to judge me instead.
My whole life I’ve had to fight. To prove I was enough, that I was worthy of being loved. I have rescued people (and animals) my whole life. I never wanted anyone to feel the way I felt. Discarded, lonely, unloved, worthless. I tried to save my sister many times before she died, at 17 borrowing a car and driving 8 hours to go rescue her when I found out she was a prostitute at 15. Adopting and raising her little girl as my own so she didn’t give her to the state of California as she was threatening to do. I tried to save my little brother in many ways too before he was killed by a gang member at the young age of 21. I tried to save my sister’s child, Andrew/AJ when he came out for my sister’s funeral and I found out the terrible conditions and life he was living - filing for custody immediately. I’ve helped and tried to save other family members (you know who you are) from addiction, health issues, grief. I’ve been there for each of my children through some incredibly hard situations that resulted because of generational trauma and addiction.
Most of the time I faced the darkest, hardest moments alone. Completely alone. The people I expected to be by my side weren’t. Always some excuse. I was always expected to show up for everyone and fit in the little box they made for me. They could all be as messy as they wanted but I had to put on a smile and figure everything out. Be strong. I never did it perfectly. I didn’t know how. I had no role models. There are no instructions for healing this kind of generational trauma. Did I make lots of mistakes? Yes. Did I get angry? Yes. Did I have every reason to? Yes. Did I always keep trying? Yes. Did I push myself to the point of exhaustion too many times? Yes. Do I wish I could go back and do so many things differently? Yes.
My husband never really invested in our family. He took a backseat. He had every advantage I didn’t. Two parents. Stable home. Family vacations. Graduated from college. Girlfriends. Dates. Proms. College. Masters. Great jobs. Great income. During our marriage I tried to save him too. Long talks- lots of encouraging. When he couldn’t write his dissertation for his Doctorate Degree at UT I said it’s ok we’ll figure it out. He lost jobs, had a very serious suicide attempt. Looking back, I didn’t know the whole story. He didn’t share everything. His dad’s motto was never volunteer information. He’s always had secrets. I always felt that in my soul. But I still stood by him. I didn’t know how to give up. Still trying to rescue him and prove I was worthy. Even after I found out about the pornography for the last time I arranged a little meeting for Sarah and I to help him with an important interview. I helped him find new jobs. I tried to talk to him, sent text messages, emails, called, arranged dates. BUT HE WAS NEVER HAPPY. He never had the courage to walk away or go after what he really wanted. So he strung his family along for decades while he lived a double life of pornography and god knows what else. Even after the betrayals and lies in the marriage, even after hurting our children doing all of this in front of the kids multiple times, even after he slinked away like a coward, even after ghosting me after 38 years together, even after he’s lost all the jobs and is in the process of ruining us financially, even after the emotional, psychological abuse and gaslighting, even after he accused me of being a bully and making choices our whole marriage without considering what he wanted - like he didn’t have a voice - like he’s not an adult - like no choice is a choice- like he’s not in charge of himself, even after forcing me to waste thousands of dollars I don’t have on attorney’s fees by not providing any documents as required by law for our temporary orders hearing on 4/17, even after making sure he found a way to stick me with most of our debt on my $20/hr salary, even though he continues to live in his dad’s condo on his dad’s dime at the age of sixty six - He still refuses to seek help for his addiction and continues to lie and say that he is getting help. He is a pitiful excuse for a human. But I won’t play his stupid game anymore. I’ve tried to hold this whole thing together. Stressing about how the house payment is going to get paid and a thousand other things every day. He doesn’t stress. He doesn’t try to heal his family. He calls me a narcissist- that’s fucking hilarious. I’m not going to try and keep everything together anymore. I’m going to take care of me. Period. I’m not sure yet exactly what that means but I know I can count on me and I’m gonna take the pressure off me and take it one day at a time.
I’ve put myself in this little jar and put it on a shelf for years waiting for everyone to be ok so I can take her out. I’ve been a good girl and played by the rules. Waiting for someone to love me, take care of me. The wait is over. TODAY I CHOOSE ME. The person I was trying to save this whole time was me. The truth is I can’t save anyone else. I will never again abandon myself. Today I will start showing up for me. I am taking a journey. I was led to believe it was my job to take care of everyone else. It’s my job to take care of me. My kids are grown now. And now I get to give them the greatest gift of all. What it really looks like to heal and truly love yourself. I look back on my journey and I’m so damn amazed at myself. I am so freaking strong and resilient. I’ve been so worried that I’ve only taught my children bad things. But I know now that isn’t true. I’ve stood in the face of hundreds of trials over my life. I’ve lived things most people can’t even imagine but I am here and I still choose to love people. I am so grateful for the family and friends who do truly love me and are part of my life - I wouldn’t be here without you. I am so excited about what’s to come. I feel more free than I’ve ever felt in my life. And today I don’t give a damn what anyone else thinks anymore. I care what I think. This is my life. I CHOOSE ME ❤️