at risk of sounding like those white people who go to india on their sabbatical and 'discover' poverty, i have to admit that my year (and a half) of solitude/sacrifice and sublimation did make me value my friendships more. i'd been a famously bad friend throughout my life, looking back probably because i'd had very disloyal friends growing up and romantic relationships offered a more clear and generally universally respected contract (in theory), and also because people in big cities are such flakes, everyone always so busy, everyone always so full of 'friends' already. then eleni came along and didn't give up on me and sort of showed me that the sort of friendship i'd experienced in my childhood and didn't think was possible anymore was in fact possible. romantic friendship if you will. ride or die friendship minus the trauma bonding. so i spent the past few years missing eleni and thinking about friendship and the kind of friend i wanted to be, and i realized that friendship for me can be as romantic as romantic partnership. but being so far away from everyone, this wasn't so clear at first; i had like, romantic feelings for people outside of my relationship with my partner and i thought that meant i also wanted to sleep with them, but once i was in the situation i didn't feel that impulse. i wanted to like, never leave their house and never leave their city and raise cats and babies together but i didn't really want to have sex. i felt like for that to happen i would have to actively dampen my feelings for my partner, which i have no interest in doing. in the meantime though, we'd discussed trying out an open relationship so i woke up this morning to a bunch of texts abt the date he went on last night, whereas it appears i'm still the same asexual and monogamous person i've always been. he didn't enjoy his date for asexual adjacent reasons though (can't be more specific bc he wouldn't like me to talk abt it on here), but he doesn't exclude he might enjoy more asexual friendly hookups (my paraphrase), and i guess i don't fully exclude that either bc i haven't actually tried and sometimes i feel like i'm not letting myself feel things because i need everything to remain in its box for easier management, but what a ride this year has been, my god.
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