Jackie just stares at him, wide-eyed and unblinking, and somewhere amidst the alarm bells shrieking shrilly in his head, the Doctor wonders. Whether he’d intended to say anything or not, surely the confession can’t be that big of a surprise. One doesn’t willingly forego one’s TARDIS and one’s home universe of nearly a thousand years for the sake of someone they’re merely fond of, after all. But Jackie’s piqued eyebrows and gaping mouth suggest that she’s astonished to hear such a pronouncement coming from him–shocked, even.
(Why, why had that popped out? And why right now, of all times?)
Frantically, the Doctor searches for something else to say or do–something, anything to break the horrid silence that’s fallen between them–but his tongue is treacherous, solid and stupid and heavy and thick and trapping any words that might try to escape. But for all her usual capacity for ceaseless chatter, Jackie isn’t offering anything either. She’s strangely quiet, too. The Doctor wonders what’s passing through her mind right now, swimming hazily amongst the shock and alcohol.
He wishes, not for the first time, that things were all right between them. He’s surprised by how strong that wish is.
Perhaps he should bridge the silence with an apology. But right now, he isn’t even entirely certain what to apologize for. Probably start with the dinner lady comments; they were rather childish, if he’s being honest. But that isn’t what’s really bothering Jackie. It isn’t why she keeps looking at him like something she stepped in, that’s stuck stubbornly on the bottom of her shoe, or why she sometimes gives him those horrible pitying looks. It’s because he’s lost, because he used to be a good man, because he’s broken.
And now his pitiful single heart is suddenly racing as all those snide references to the real Doctor start echoing again in the dark recesses of his thoughts, clamoring louder and louder all the while, fighting to be heard over everything he can’t quite push away anymore, memories and nightmares and really, aren’t they the same thing, anymore?
(What if it doesn’t matter what he says? What if he’s already damaged things irreparably, what if Jackie has already made up her mind that he isn’t really him? What if he’s already managed to alienate everyone without even trying? What if Jackie is disgusted at the thought of her wonderful daughter beloved by some pale imitation or cheap knockoff?
What if she really meant it, when she called him a monster?
—an embellished excerpt from Flight Into Hull!, because I couldn’t stop wondering what the Doctor was thinking through all of this. I highly recommend giving it a listen!
also a huge thanks to @gingergallifreyan for forcing encouraging me to give these audios a listen and then fangirling and headcanoning with me afteward!!! <3
theartofmadeline
2087
dededos
yousharknotpass
kaledo-art
prguitarman
gummygunk
ellievsbear
jacobvanloon
