water over stones

A place for words to flow and fall

[water-over-stones]

when i need reminding

of who i am

the earth brings gifts

only i will understand

in a language

i will spend my whole life

learning.

word by word

syllable by syllable

i will unravel myself

as a gift

in return.

[water-over-stones]

There are moments in the day

That I feel the weight

pressing

A panic

spreads into my arteries

constricted by all of this

emotion

Grief is palpable

and in the same moment

intangible

Grieving for the living

for the death in myself

For the death coming for us all

Why does everything feel like

it carries a finality with it these days?

What permanence do i unknowingly shape?

[water-over-stones]

I don’t have words for these new feelings

and having always processed

through poetry

you could imagine

the frustration

single words will pop up

palm

salt

heron

lively

but there is no idea between them

no connection

i can conjure

my thoughts are

slipping into crevices

an ocean receding

into the mantle

to boil

to be new one day

[water-over-stones]

My life comes back to me

in little flashes

of visceral memory

the soundless snow of colorado

the way the grass made me itch

on the ballfield

the smell of my mother’s roses

what will i remember of today?

what moment will linger inside me

waiting to pounce

on the unsuspecting mind

of my future self?

[water-over-stones]

Is there

a feature

of this world

in which i might see my

self?

I have stars in my hands

and though i press the heels

into my eyes

the light will not stay there

Am I Sky?

Am I Earth?

Or am I truly Fire?

Burning through everything I love

Leaving behind me

a wake

of emptiness

Am I empty?

Or too full?

If you let water

that is hot enough

run over your hands

your senses will run

cold.

I tend toward thoughts of greyness

because I am trying to mend together

the stark contrasts

that oppose each other

in my mind

like two boxers

squaring off

or one boxer

and a shadow

sometimes i am convinced

there are two of me

Dichotomy

countering

Dichotomy

[water-over-stones]

Simple

Really,

isn’t it?

To live.

One long

decision

forks and forks

and constellations

come to pass

great swirls

of 1s and 0s

There either is

or is not

and i choose

one.

[water-over-stones]

Clouded

Feathery grey blanket

of sky

lay yourself upon me

gather your fisted

mists in the hollows

of my body

protect me

from the glaring angry

eyes

of the sun

deep down i know

its rays yet stab

but in this listless

morning

let us both pretend

this delicate light

is disarmed

[water-over-stones]

Dreams

I never call them nightmares

even if I wake short of breath

even when they haunt my waking mind

even after weeks

of fitful sleep

In these dreams, faces

are unmarred by time

touch, a spiderweb

i’ve walked blindly into

the memories are the spider’s bite

the emptiness after, the venom

I blow myself open

like a wound

like a small animal

in need of extermination

I make myself a villain

so that I feel

intimidatingly huge

unapproachable

I make myself not myself

so I can pretend

there are no spiders

there are no nightmares

then blindly

i go down the trail

in the dark

without a flashlight

telling myself

each terrifying shadow

is just

a dream

[water-over-stones]

Face

i have seen the face

of the new moon

trailing along a path

of absent stars

it’s shadow known to me

it’s shadow a sorrow

woven into the break

of a new day

mist still rising

pulling away

from the river’s bank

Have you ever heard

the heron sing?

not it’s awkward squawking

nothing so grating

as a warning

but the song

in the stillness

of its body

it’s reflection waving

in the ripples

of the minnows movements

the rings

of the water skaters dance

the slow purpose

of its intent

i hope time bends me

as gently as it does the river

as steady and true

as it courses

through the phases

of the moon.

[water-over-stones]

Listen

i tried to leave my heart open but i settled for bulletproof glass so you can see all the love it has in it but there are boundaries you can't get past so don't ask.

if you just sit with me for longer than the moment should last when the silence perks up and creeps into the space between our breaths you will hear it beating

and speaking. listen. it will tell you things i could never say.

[water-over-stones]

Pare

I pluck a yellowed, dying leaf from one of my house plants it rasps, crinkling as the the dried brown edges crumble beneath the weight of my closing palm little bits of it stick in the creases i consider pulling off another but resolve to give it another day or two to bounce back all this makes me think of the pieces of myself i have pruned away pieces that, had they remained untouched surely would have poisoned my roots yet i feel bare now leafless limbs awkward in the open is this rebirth? it would fit my infantile state of my mind i flail and whine clench my fists against the emptiness sprouting new leaves is a painful business hard work lays ahead of me and i am fearful beneath my reticence in the knowing of it.

[water-over-stones]

Pull

I took luna for a walk in the late evening each street light blinking awake as we passed a perfect half moon framed between power lines kept pulling at my eyes the shape of your grin sprouted in my mind bloomed like the honeysuckle luna was sniffing at the tight curl of morning glory pure white and so soft to my fingers pulled your skin into my mind’s eye. the moon does this to me, you know makes me romantic makes my heart leap and dance i have things i need to say to you (again, i know, and so soon) but you are busy so i walked until luna had trouble keeping up until the sky was dark until the stars filled enough space to pull my eyes from the moon.

[water-over-stones]

Lighter

the mottled grey sheet of sky brought a dusky hue to early evening the bats were out earlier than usual even i had to check the clock to be sure of how much day i had left the cicadas screams are growing more desperate as their mating season wanes the bats are eating them they slam into my windows trying to escape and die anyways i finally let myself cry for so many reasons, spent a couple hours going from the couch to the back porch hot tears rolling from my swelling eyes nose clogged and dripping mouth sticky with that awful mucus i did not let myself recoil from the pain though at first i tried i felt the instinct to run numbly and blindly into some meaningless activity but i stayed still and just felt the weight of my heart for once and you know what? when i woke up this morning it weighed a little less and the sky was blue again.

[water-over-stones]

Stranded

i twist myself into knots sometimes- take all the separate strands of myself and rub them between my palms until the friction burns my skin and then blame the tangled ball for how complicated it is. i don't know why i do this. maybe it's because i long to be whole but i don't know how to braid my weaknesses into stronger rope. why do i think of myself as broken? how deeply does the hand of trauma reach into a person? i curl my fingers around it sometimes use it to support my weight when i am tired of being fine. when moving forward and forward and forward exhausts me i reach back for that hurting little girl i used to be and become her again small afraid how do you learn to be yourself despite yourself? i don't know. so i ball myself up, frustrated and angry for having become this way. i don't know how to ask for help without admitting that i am incapable of helping myself. i should be able to help myself i should be able to teach myself to braid strength into a weakened rope. but all i have is a tangled knot of anger in my burning hands and an unshakeable sense of defeat in my heart.

[whosesoulisitanyways]

Growing

I dreamed of a fall wind blowing through city streets it felt like change i am so in love with this summer that the brisk air brought sadness to my heart i have always struggled with letting go i am trying to learn how to change with the seasons in a way that does not erase the seasons past how to be in love with what was without clinging to it without letting it consume the moment of what is when the leaves change this year i will not mourn their loss i will celebrate their fall in anticipation of growing deeper roots.

[water-over-stones]

Little Bit of Blue

I like little blue flowers and little blue butterflies i like little blue rivers that lead to slivers of the not so little blue sky i love your little blue eyes as much as i love the little blue damsel flies that land for a little while before they pass me by i love the little blue puddles on the long blue road i love the little blue feeling that follows wherever little blue me goes i love the sleepy blue people in this little sleepy blue town i love the little bit of blue that gathers in the corners of your mouth.

[water-over-stones]

Entwined

I want to climb you like ivy curl around your ankles and reach up your calves wrap myself around you so slowly my fingers begin to root into your skin and spread across your hips i want to caress the back of your neck until my leaves turn colors and fall like wishes to the hallowed earth beneath us.