@watercolor-lips - Tumblr Blog

i’ll let you in. watch as you look at me with those big eyes. witness as you manage to squeeze me from abysmal darkness. our moments are sweet and sticky, saccharine. the mawkish smell of my past will exist no more. lavender. flowers. art. i will take it all inside of me. rekindle my passion, rebuild my sentiment. reconstruct what once was joy, happiness. a woman will be born again: rebirth. she will not be alone. she is still sick. she still struggles. but she knows she is not alone.

#try at least

i’ll tell myself text you. text you. talk to you. talk. i’ll tell myself don’t. don’t lead you into my life, into my absence. i am leaving in September. i’ll tell myself you don’t need my absence in September.

i still see you in my dreams. i’ll look at a picture of you and be reminded: i loved you. i’ll look at myself and see something so alien from what once was. i have to keep reminding myself what you did to me. what you did to our relationship. what you say to others when i’m not there to defend my name. you. you were supposed to defend my name. in my dreams i love you. in my dreams i love you. in my dreams i love you. dreams. in. my. dreams... i love you.

the surf breaks like the early morning dawn: slowly and then all at once. anger and anger and anger boils and bubbles and quells and stirs and simmers. it builds until i’m binging or starving. dying to forget, but unable to forget. binging or starving. 123 to 140. 140 to 134. 134 to 137. 137 to death. i’ll say it again: 137 to death.

and if these words are not enough, i am not enough. in my dreams i love you, in my conscious i know what thing wicked this way comes. come. come for that marked face brown eyed boy. for the person that coerced you to sex not whispering of it’s trespass. /too young/. LOUDER FOR THOSE IN THE BACK: TOO. YOUNG.

but all that really became of this is a memoir to heartbreak. a volatile outcrop of wrecked thoughts, outrage, betrayal. a coping mechanism abhorrent to starvation and cigarettes. i tell myself in my dreams i loved you. but, i love you.

am i nothing? does fate fall upon a destiny of emptiness? i curl and heave and crash my way into a ball on my bed with blankets entangled between every sense of responsibility i have. the sheets and duvet pull tighter and tighter around my insides until great nothingness sputters upward from a throat gone dry. each day i rise and make pinky promises to myself for fasting. diet. skinner. each day i subsidize carrots, and cucumbers, blueberries, smoothies. and yet my stomach never ceases to echo the western movies of my grandmothers days. it’s lasso circling skillfully, knowingly, predatory about my head. with a practiced hand it reaches and subdues my will. great nothingness becomes a void in the pit of my belly, it’s carnervours feasting unrelenting.

#unfinished

suffocate, suffocate, suffocate. pour cement into your mouth till it settles in your belly. it will fill your volume, come slowly crawling up from your throat. seal your lips together with thread, making sure those sweet nothings never escape again. i’ll make it so we won’t have to share anything in this life, not even a word. pluck the feelings from my heart like blades of grass from soil. i’ll zip my emotions up like a backpack. i’ll shove them under my bed. in my closet. i’ll shove them anywhere away from here.

it’s days like this when i wake up from sleep already hating my body. when the hunger in my stomach sends waves of anxiety crashing through the cage that are my bones, heavy and powerful and with the sureness that i will be wrecked. when i fill my mouth with cigarette smoke and carrots because the smoke hides the hunger and the carrots remind me food doesn’t taste good. i’ll get up at two and promise myself to go for a run because otherwise i can’t handle the thought of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich sitting in the pit of my belly. sitting. decomposing. digesting. destroying my mind from the inside out. i’ll walk downstairs and ask my mom what she’s made for dinner. it’s chicken and verde sauce. how many calories are in verde sauce? if i don’t eat the rice that she made along with it, can i feel okay about eating at all? i pull my mirror from the place where it hangs on my wall, and i look at my body. the leggings i chose to sleep in feel like they’re boa constricters, swallowing my legs and squeezing until i can see every inch of fat. cellulite. every reminder of my illness. but i won’t take them off. i’ll walk around my house, up and down the stairs, constantly in reminder of how these leggings are a whisper: “you need to eat. less.” i think about going to the scale, but i don’t know if my mind can handle the burden. i won’t tell anyone that i know it will read the wrong number. if i do visit the scale, thoughts of purging and puke, water weight and waste, and my real weight haunt me. i keep wondering, when did i start counting and stop eating?

i have always been smart.

i will continue to be smart.

when you said you were worried i found someone new, i was smart.

it was smart, to run from it all

#who found someone new? 👀

why do you ask the mirror why?

does she stare you in the face

snake eyes, forked tongue

is there beezlebub present in your ear

do you talk about past regrets

do you talk about closed doors

flightless bird

your wings are broke, but your heart beats

da, bada,

*morphs into jaws theme song*

sharkbait!!! (oo ha ha)

show me your shark teeth

i am chum in an ocean full of maneaters

a nibble, a thumb? maybe my toe

show me where my worst parts are

i'll show you yours

fidelity is hard,

but you were the only fish in the sea

the apple of my eye

if i would have faced temptation like eve

i don't think you'd be alone right now.

have fun. with. steve.

cold cold air

cold cold hands

you slip me on

like your favorite jeans

i am distressed and wore

rips follow fault lines at your knees

goosebumps on your skin like the

intermittent topography of the hills

but i am your favorite

so you put me on

in this cold cold air

fill me up

and drink from my lips

my legs will part for your mouth

and i will feel you inside me

was it you that ruined me,

or did i do it myself?

in trying to pick up the pieces,

it's all slipping through my hands

will i be happy without you?

- 8/13/17

i am the great divider

i smuggle toughness into my life

and melt in front of you

i am on fire

for all eyes to see

my blood is water

and i write my own laws

i will not be forgotten

- 9/5/17

i want the instagram aesthetic love life to fit your bidding. won't you talk of me? this silence is deafening

- 9/10/17

to not wake up tomorrow: that would be peace. you’d remember me, how you love me: my silky sweet skin you used to kiss so nicely. the curve of my nose punctuated at the end with a freckle. i would not worry, wonder, wait, or want. i would not feel for anything. my life, no more. i want to be strong, strong enough to slice through my own skin. strong enough to make that leap. i am trying. trying to breathe, live, forgive. i am trying to erase what has happened from the corners of my consciousness... to remember what it felt like to love you without concern. you were mine, always and forever. not mine in the sense that i owned you, that was never something we agreed. you were mine as i was yours, and we doted and cared for each other without recourse. why is it then, that i feel like i am falling? this state of perpetual downpour, sadness moving through my veins like poison. i can feel my heart bend, and twist, and roll, and i cannot recover from this. my charge is with how i feel. do you want me? do you love me? will you leave me? will you cheat on me? it is with great challenge i bring myself to restrait. my most private thoughts are my own. if you discover this discourse i have within me, the all too sharp teeth sinking into my innermost pain, will you recoil? pull your hand back from water on a stove that hasn’t even begun to bubble? i want you so effortlessly, badly, immensely. i will not bring this to end. not without reason, or cause. i am hardened. steely? yes. but there are fractures within the composition of my metal scaffolding. i pray to gods i do not believe in for relief. relinquish me from this overzealous disquiet. relinquish me from the spin cycle that is human cognition. it. will. be. my. undoing.

we never loved, let's not pretend we did

i am going to live a happy life, one where i am fulfilled, one where i love myself, one where i receive love back

do you ever just find someone and it's like? it just works. and i don't care what we do, but being around them makes me feel so much better than i normally do and it's so sweet.

#this isn't a poem #but i don't have my journal

I love you so much I’ve actually taken up your disease. I know it ruined you, but maybe you’ll see me dying and care enough to love me

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