His Eminence, Thomas Cardinal Lawrence, currently the Papal Nuncio to the Philippines, is credited as single handedly steering away excited Filipino parents from the recent practice of granting their children the most ridiculous name combinations, absolutely absurd nicknames and unusual spellings.
At least in Manila.
Much to the amusement (and relief!) of His Eminence the Cardinal Archbishop of Manila, Vincent Benitez.
All right, so Thomas, thanks to his dearest Vincent and the intrepid Staff at the Apostolic Nunciature of Manila, was familiarized with some of the unusual and funny Filipino naming traditions.
“Vivo Thyler?!! They named my newest nephew AFTER A CELLPHONE?!!” wailed Jennifer, one of his PR people.
Thomas thoughtfully made her a cup of tea - which did not mean that Jennifer was somehow his long-lost daughter, Aileen, stop laughing, you minx - which helped calm her down. And also started the very educational conversation about Filipino names.
Vincent, by the way, was apparently named for Vincent Price, because his Nanay saw the name listed on a Ten Commandments movie poster and thought it was a nice name. That Cecil B. De Mille classic had been a Holy Week staple in Philippine theaters. However, his family had a funny tradition of giving defenseless infants lovely names but turning around and giving them hilarious nicknames. Which resulted in “Enteng,” by the way.
Thomas was rather proud that he could now say Enteng ko and have Vincent blush prettily.
Anyway, Thomas thought he was relatively prepared for the usual blend of ridiculous shenanigans for today’s session of baptisms. He enjoyed helping Vincent and the rest of the priests at the Manila Cathedral and was used to making the acquaintance of various small persons toddling over to tug at his cassock or even being surprised as they hugged his knees and gave him bright, beaming smiles. They were far better company than certain politicians or (Lord forgive him) certain members of the Curia.
“I would like to name my baby Phrincess Khiffany Khaleesi!” said one very excited Nanay.
Thomas’ eyes watered as he saw the name spelled out, being readied for the baptismal certificate. The random Hs. The reference to a fantasy series he was unwilling to know more about except Aldo wouldn’t shut up about how the final seasons were a complete “dumpster trash fire.”
(Obviously, Thomas was a proud denizen of Middle-earth.)
Vincent, who was preparing to pour the holy water over the unsuspecting infant’s head, paused. “Khiffany?”
Thomas murmured, “Honestly, Vincent, the poor child can’t go through life as Khiffany!”
The child’s happy mama continued on, completely oblivious. “And we’re already calling her Khiffy, for short!”
“Vincent!”
Thomas could pinpoint the exact moment Vincent’s soul left his body and was right there to catch him as he swooned.
“Hala!”
Thankfully, all those hours at the gym paid off. “There, there, Enteng ko, it’s all right,” Thomas murmured as he gently led Vincent back to a chair. He was vaguely conscious of Jennifer helpfully trying to fan poor Vincent back to consciousness. She was also distinctly red.
“Khiffy?!!” He also heard Aileen in the background. “That child is doomed.”
“Why? Isn’t Khiffy a lovely-sounding nickname?” protested the child’s mother.
Vincent was apparently murmuring the Marian Litany in actual Latin. Thomas had the distinct feeling he was going to regret asking this but needs must. “Jennifer, dear, would you mind explaining to this very confused Englishman the meaning of - “
“Thomas, no!” Vincent interrupted him, looking frantic as he suddenly snapped out of his swoon.
“Don’t say it!” Jennifer begged him. She gave Vincent a quick glance, crossed herself and said “Bless me, Father, sorry talaga.” And explained.
Oh dear.
OH DEAR.
The Holy Father liked to call Thomas a “manager.” That title was particularly apt at the moment as Thomas Cardinal Lawrence smoothly took over the baptismal rites and tactfully convinced the little girl’s apparently innocently deluded mama that perhaps random H’s and giving her child a nickname that was apparently slang for a certain part of the female anatomy was not the best of ideas. He did, however, have to dig deep into his own love of books to come up with a suitable replacement.
Somewhere out there, a tiny Filipino child now had a name combination that was from a well-beloved Frances Hodgson Burnett novel (which was also a beloved Filipino anime show in the 90s) and a Half-Elvish princess. Perfectly respectable, with H’s in their proper place.
-end-
Footnotes
After the Khiffany IncidentTM the Nuncio and the Cardinal Archbishop made it a point to continue conducting baptisms together, with their Staff ready to assist regarding proper baby names.
It is rumored that this story went all the way to Rome itself, where the Holy Father, known for his sense of humor, laughed himself silly when he heard about it. He may have also sent something for “dear Thomas and Vincent, to comfort them.”
His Eminence the Cardinal Archbishop delivered a rather pointed and very humorous homily about the importance of christening babies with proper names to his flock in the next Sunday Mass. The attendees of that Mass doubled up with laughter but they took Cardinal Enteng’s point.
A relative was apparently filming the baptism and the footage from that was somehow gained by the Kapamilya Network and went viral, after Cardinal Benitez became Pope Innocent XIV. The Nunciature Staff were pointedly unavailable for comment.
#Lawrenitez Nation went into absolute meltdown as they saw how tenderly the then Papal Nuncio comforted the swooning Archbishop, clearly captured by that video.
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