this must be it, the feeling that never goes away. i own this heart that swells at love and ache and loss and change. I can go years without intense feeling, it seems. I can be content, in a way. And yet, life reminds me that I indeed am alive and required to have a very human experience. so we are here and I am moved so deeply that I end up back at the steps of my keyboard. everytime I think I have lost it, this tender beating muscle, it aches to remind me that I am human and I am alive.
my memories have scenes I didn't remember before, colors that I glossed over. Like when you rubbed my back on the escalator as we made our way down to the tube. Or when we sat facing each other, on the side of that pub, chain smoking cigarettes. And much earlier, when your head on my chest was an altar where you once prayed. suddenly there is a glow around every memory I shared with you, and it moves with an effervescence that cracks open my tender heart.
i had the privilege of loving many and i've lost in equal measure. and yet, your absence may sting longer than I'd prefer. i suppose, because you were unable to be my partner, and then unable to be my lover, and now, unable to be my friend. within them all, i have loved your many forms, your costumes, your positions in my life. i have loved your quirks, your pains, your strengths, and your shortcomings. i have loved them through the many lenses. and when one door closed, i loved you through the next. and the next. and the next. as you did for i.
but there is a door you have walked through, where this love we've carried through seasons, cannot exist. where the space we once breathed, now suffocates. and I love you enough not to follow.
andulkaphoto
romaincrisis
snowghoul
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