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I cried on the phone with the pg&e guy I need therapy

or maybe I want representation <3 Carissa propaganda

thinking about what it means to be vulnerable and honest and giving to people. Considering how scary it is. Thinking about how people carry parts of me elsewhere, in ways that diminish my ability to be present always with my reputation. To defend myself. To speak up for myself. I’m so concerned with being understood. I want to be understood to the people who know me. Only. And a mystery to everyone else. I don’t want parts of me to spread past myself

so much of me feels like my condition and continued bad luck is being perpetuated by myself. That I’m not doing enough and I’m channeling in negative energy by feeling negative thoughts constantly. Like my mental illness is in a constant loop I can’t escape from. I wanna believe that’s not the case and that I’m just in a tough spot but part of me also recognizes it’s necessary for me to take accountability for the fucked up aspects of my life in a way that ensures I get the help I need. but I can’t do anything if I’m high all the time lol. And if I’m not high I will kill myself probably. It’s the only thing that saved me in December when I tried to kill myself but popped an edible right before so I forgot what I was doing lol. I’m moving back in with my parents in the fall so I can save money and get back into therapy and on meds, and hopefully get diagnosed for some other conditions I probably have that cause my executive dysfunction. But getting thru those 5-6 months is gonna be rough. I want to be happy and successful. And I want to be in a position where I don’t feel bitter all the time about everything. And I want to let go of the things that cause me stress. But how??? Why isn’t therapy FREE

I’m crazy. & I need to stop taking the weight of things that I don’t need to but then so many things won’t get done and that drives me crazy

understanding the difference setting boundaries in ur relationships has and WOW I see real eyes realize real lies. I am constantly stressed over a particular friendship and I do not know really what to do but at least I understand kinda how it got that way. letting someone fluctuate in & out of ur life with no way of knowing how they think of u is exhausting and makes me feel resentful. trauma made me put others above myself emotionally and I’ve never had the opportunity to express myself freely around this person, too. and now that this dynamic had been established it’s hard to break those expectations and habits of staying quiet about my business whether I want to or not lol. And it’s exhausting trying to be vulnerable and establish some sort of understanding between us because I feel that care and intent is not reciprocated even after asking for clarification. And if I feel that way it’s probably best we don’t stay friends but how do you remove someone from yr life without engaging in drama or bitterness. This isn’t about someone being a bad person but my needs r not being met is all & I do not think that is possible

Ptsd:(

thinking & feeling some thoughts. :)

ok that’s it I’m done being a clown:)

IM SO DRAMATIC just fire sign things

honestly I hate being high all the time but I’m afraid I’ll kill myself & I can’t do that when I’m high. this is a temporary solution I’m too broke for therapy or meds rn but I hope I can afford it soon !!! can someone explain 2 me why weed is cheaper than cumulative mental health services lmao

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so sad so sexy