If you have ever seen the movie 'Drive', you will have heard The Chromatics' excellent 'Tick of the Clock' from the movie's soundtrack. With a pulsing beat, the subtle clock tick makes your heart race just that little bit and as a result it works exceptionally well in the film. However at the minute, the song feels like it is the theme song of this chapter of my life. I can feel the clock ticking as days merge into weeks, which change into months and before you can quite believe it, a year has gone by.
There is a lot I want to do. I want to see more of the world. The first time I went traveling was with my sister and four friends. We hired a car and drove from Chicago to Canada and then finished in New York. It was this trip that gave me the bug. We drove for hours at a time, we saw small towns, we lived on Cheetos and Diet Coke, we stayed in cheap motels. We were tourists, we were explorers, we were young. I saw sights I had only ever seen in the movies; the Statue of Liberty, Niagra Falls, Navy Pier. I got to try deep crust pizza in Chicago, eat whilst the sun set in the CN Tower and have hot dogs on the streets of Manhattan. There is so many new places I want to experience like this but I am an adult now and my life has to fit into weekends and annual leave.
I also want to write a book. There are so many stories I want to tell but my problem comes with my commitment. I remember seeing Harlan Coben do a Q&A and he said something along the lines of, "I don't enjoy writing, I enjoy having written." I find that very applicable to me. I find the process of actually sitting down and writing hard but once I have finished I feel a great sense of accomplishment. Especially if I achieve at least one sentence that feels perfect to me. I have the beginning of so many stories written and saved but when it comes to ending them I struggle. I like to tell myself it's because I am reluctant to let go of this small world I have created. Instead I think it is more because I don't know what happens next.
What else? I am married and 30 and so people are constantly asking when we will be having children. So rather than it being something I necessarily want to do, having kids seems to be something I am expected to do. I am scared of kids though. I don't know how to do 'baby talk', I would prefer to ask them their thoughts on the current economical climate. If they cry I panic, if they have a tantrum my reaction is to hide. I think what really scares me though is what happens if your child is like you were when you were a tiny human? I was a terror allegedly. I don't recall it myself but there is this this rumour that as a toddler I bullied my older sister and cousin. I used to bang my head off solid surfaces (explains a lot now) and was the owner of a strong set of lungs (my father still loves to tell of mini me standing at the top of the stairs in a grubby pink babygro with snotters running down my face howling at him and my mum). In fact my mum says if I had come first, my sister wouldn't have existed - I was the birth control of the 80s. And so the jury is still out on the kids cos if they handed me a tiny version of me - I think I would hand her back.
Well as the clock continues to tick and I stress about how I am going to fit everything I want to do in, I try to remember all the things I have already done. I have loved, I have lost, I have made good decisions, I have made silly mistakes, I have seen the sun set, I have seen it rise again, I have cried with laughter, I have cried with sadness, I have lived.
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