this is the worst my delusions have ever been. I'm praying my doctor won't call me crazy if I finally manage to tell him without my parents calling me "crazy" (or worse) to dismiss my distress (again) because I want treatment. I was supposed to get treatment 9 months ago for other stuff, but my parents immediately refused because "your jobless" (I don't know what a damn job has to do with it but OKAY).
my sister told me "they probably don't want you to be on pills for the rest of your life" but I DOUBT that because they take HER mental health seriously, and my BROTHER'S mental health seriously, BUT NOT MINE.
a few years ago, I was told if I commit, then I'll be disowned so..that's. fun to live with. they probably forgot they said this (like many other things they have said before). It's still eating me alive inside.
anyway, this could be the last post for who knows how long. my privacy is always being invaded so...I can't be online to make silly or fandom related posts whenever I want.
it feels like I'm the only one on Tumblr who didn't headcanon trans Jax and didn't interpret what happened in the finale as 'trans Jax being confirmed'.
I always interpreted Remlin going by "they/them" in an artist who wants to be anonymous way and not nonbinary like everyone else interpreted it. maybe it's because I'm an artist and do that too...so that's more than likely why I still have that interpretation. I heavily relate to Remlin.
if you call me a proshipper based on this title I'm blocking you /j
I remembered this time when antis would tell me how to cope because 'you can't like toxic ships! that's unhealthy!" and constantly tried to push me to ship something "wholesome" (it wasn't) and had the nerve to tell me "as long as you're not hurting anyone"/"as long as it's not making you worse". It literally wasn't. and I wasn't hurting anybody. I was the one getting harassed .-.
The ship actually helped me cope with similar trauma the character went through. But okay. Strangers "know better" and "know more" about my situation when they were never there to witness any of it, so I should trust them. Then they tried to call me a "proshipper" (what they actually meant was...abuser. ok. nothing wrong with calling a traumatized person minding their own business an abuser I guess. and some ppl agreed with them. totally fine not wrong at all). I didn't even like the ship that way or support it. They made assumptions and shamed me.
This was not in a ship discourse related space mind you. It was in an online safe space for disabled and traumatized people. What does shipping have to do with the discussion of disability/trauma outside of people opening up about their coping mechanisms and experiences? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. That space gets invaded 24/7 so...I'm not surprised. Was I talking about the ship there? No. People were stalking me (I'm used to it...). I deleted the blog due to harassment and made a new one half a year later. I got harassed there too, so I logged out shortly after, and here we are (late November! didn't post until I got very sick early December 2025). This blog was borned.
I still see antis making aggressive posts towards so-called "proshippers", policing others, and telling them how to cope in safe spaces for traumatized disabled people. Over fictional ships. It has died down (for now), but I see them again at random. I only go back to the ship on really really bad days.
fun fact: I used to be part of an anti community for a year. dw, I left shortly after the one year mark. To be honest, it felt like I officially left the day this blog was made. I experienced/witnessed harassment and stalking there too. good times /sarc
I'm half asleep(?) it took an hour to type this out. there might be grammatical errors.
amandla
snowghoul
prguitarman
origamiaround
yousharknotpass
germansingergirl