Kitchen Boy

Wesley Sanders 23 years old Head Waiter

[its-steph-johnson-deactivated20]

"Okay." She nodded. Her head was swirling around with a lot of different thoughts. She didn’t quite know what to do. Stephanie looked back at him and she let a small smile cross her face when he reached out to her. She moved closer to him and curled against him. "You’re right, I’m sorry. I’m being dumb." She said shaking her head. The redhead leaned up and kissed his cheek before pulling away slightly to look back at him. Stephanie brought her hands up to his cheeks and kissed Wesley softly. It felt like it had been what she had been waiting to do all night, it felt right.

[wesley-sanders]

He chuckled, taking another spoonful of ice cream. "You're not being dumb," he scoffed with a shake of his brown-haired head. To his surprise, he felt lips on his cheek, and he swallowed his mouthful of ice cream. Then there were hands on his face. Then more lips. His eyes fluttered closed and he puckered his lips to kiss her in return, setting the ice cream aside and pivoting his body to face her.

[its-steph-johnson-deactivated20]

Stephanie let out a small sigh under her breath. She felt like an ass for shutting down him trying to get everything out, but she didn’t know how to fix it. He wouldn’t say anything about it, he never did, but didn’t that have to bother him? She knew when people didn’t let her finish it pissed her off, but was that just her. She finally turned to him and let her green eyes scan over his blue ones. “Are you mad at me?” she asked her lip finding it’s way in between her teeth. “I didn’t mean to cut you off, I just got upset and I.” She paused shaking her head. “I fucked up.” She grabbed her spoon and stuck it in the ice cream putting it in her mouth and swallowing quickly. 

[wesley-sanders]

His smile faded and inverted when she started this up again, stopping mid-slurp as he was putting his spoon full of ice cream into his mouth. "No," he answered surely, shaking his head when she asked if he was mad at her. Really, he just wanted to forget the whole thing. It wasn't something he wanted to dwell on anymore. "You didn't cut me off." Now it seemed like the tables had turned, and she was repeating everything he'd just gotten off his chest in front of her. He shook his head again. "I don't really know what you're talking about," he scoffed, reaching out to her. "I thought this was what you wanted to do."

[its-steph-johnson-deactivated20]

The redhead inhaled the scent of the man she was leaned against for another moment. She wouldn’t mind staying wrapped up like this for a while. She could still feel how tense he was, but she knew that if they kept talking it would just lead to talking in circles and they were both too hard headed for their own good to really work anything out in a night. Stephanie let her arms fall away from him as he pulled away to grab for the bowls and she couldn’t help but laugh at what was probably a melted mess inside them. She let the corner of her lip raise in a smirk and nodded reaching over to grab two spoons from the drawer. Steph lead the way to her room, shutting the door behind her once they were both inside. She went over and hopped onto her bed, laying flat out before patting the area beside her and offering it to Wes. “C’mon Indiana, there’s room for you too.” she said with a small smile.

[wesley-sanders]

Sometimes things felt weird, like he couldn't be himself for the sake of others. It didn't really bother him, normally. But every once in a while he liked to vent, and when he did, this always seemed to happen. The fix-it-with-a-hug-and-then-ignore-it technique. He should have been grateful. She was taking time out of her happy day to deal with his feelings, short-lived as it might have been. And not being able to feel completely at peace with that made Wes feel even more like a shit. But, like, always, he ignored it and grabbed the ice cream, following her into her room and slurping his melted treat down before they even got on the bed. He put his bowl on the nightstand and climbed onto the mattress beside her, digging into the carton of ice cream straight with his spoon. Finally, he was smiling.

[its-steph-johnson-deactivated20]

She noticed the little smirk growing on his face and she couldn’t stop the small smile that started to appear on her own. They were alright for now, and that was good enough for her. When he agreed to stay her lips quirked up further at the corners and she leaned against him, wrapping her slender arms around his waist. Stephanie let her head rest in his chest where it had always fit and she inhaled deeply before letting out the breath. “Can we go lay in my bed? Watch a movie or something?” She asked, her voice muffled against the fabric of his shirt.

[wesley-sanders]

He could bury his problems if that was what she needed. He'd work them out on his own. It wasn't worth her wasting her time. There were more important things to be done. Folding his arms around her, he let her put her head on his chest and rested his chin on top, letting go of another feeble sigh. Wondering whether or not he should tell her about his kiss with Lizzy, he decided against it when a dark feeling of sickness pitted in the bottom of his stomach. It wasn't something they needed to put between them. Eventually he'd forget about it. It was just a slip-up, everybody had them, and he was under no monogamous obligation to anyone right now. For once, that was a relief. Wes nodded. "Yeah. I'll bring the ice cream," he scoffed, picking up their two bowls and going to the freezer. He turned back to her as he pulled out the carton. "Gotta feeling we're gonna need this."

[its-steph-johnson-deactivated20]

Stephanie forced herself to try and relax. She took in deep breaths through her nose and let them back out the same way. She knew this wasn’t about her, not entirely. That when Wesley had worries they all came out at once whether he intended them to or not. It took her a minute or two but she calmed herself down for the most part. He wasn’t trying to hurt her, he was just trying to be honest with her, and she had to be okay with that, and it really was something she wanted. Steph looked back up at him, her green eyes shining and she shook her head reaching out to grab his hand and pull him closer to her. “No.” she said decidedly. She knew she didn’t want him to leave despite the roller coaster of a night they were having. “Please don’t leave.” She let out a small breath before speaking again. “You can go if you want, but. I’d like you to stay.”

[wesley-sanders]

He had always been very bad with words. Tonight obviously wasn't his great revelation into something different. He still sucked at words. But she seemed patient with him, and he let out a long, weighted breath. Wesley nodded in agreement, content to stay. Even if it was just for another hour, or the whole night, it sounded good to him. A little smirk started to try to wedge its way up the side of his face when she grabbed his hand and tugged him toward her. "Okay. I'll stay."

[its-steph-johnson-deactivated20]

Stephanie let out a small sigh. “You shouldn’t feel sorry for yourself. Hey, I have no skills, so you’ve got at least something going for you.” she teased lightly. The redhead nodded, understanding how talking to someone out loud could just bring out things you might’ve not even noticed you were feeling. She let out an exasperated sigh at his question. “I care about the dude next door. Doesn’t that make any sort of difference?” She asked looking up at him and pulling at the ends of her hair. “You don’t need some great skill. You are worth something by just being here. I wish you’d see that.” She could feel her pale freckled face growing flushed and she mentally cursed herself for being so pale. Stephanie turned away for a moment hoping the pink in her cheeks would lessen. She wanted to turn away from him. She wanted to walk out, she wanted to go to bed, she wanted to kick him out of her apartment, and drag him to her room all at the same time. The redhead turned back to him and shook her head lightly. “I care about you Wesley. You’re not some worthless statistic.”

[wesley-sanders]

Her laughter did nothing once she sighed and finally let out a frustrated choice phrase. He could feel his heart stop for a moment, the lump in his throat returning. She had to know he wasn't doing this to spite her--didn't she? Every time he stressed, it all came at once, and had to leave all at once. He felt guilty that he had boiled over in front of her. "I'm sorry," he murmured, watching her face turn red and splotchy around her freckles. This was his doing. His fault. Everything he touched got ruined. He was making huge mistakes everywhere and he didn't know how to fix any of them. I have to prove myself, he kept saying in his head, however that was possible and whatever it meant. He had to prove he was capable, that he was a man that could be trusted, someone who could be the gentle, strong, fearless alpha, the silent protector. But he didn't know how. And he was hurting people he cared about, he was hurting Steph. Seeing the indecision in her eyes, he swallowed hard. "Do you want me to leave?"

[its-steph-johnson-deactivated20]

Stephanie had a hard time staying calm when she watched Wesley get all worked up. She watched him get up from the table and she forced herself to stay sitting while he continued pacing. She turned in her chair to face him. “You’re not fucked up Wes. We all have problems.” The redhead knew that probably wouldn’t make the brunette in her kitchen feel any better but she knew it was true. Everyone had a past. After a few minutes she stood up and went over to him. Stephanie reached up and ran her fingers through his hair something that used to calm him down when they had gone to school together. “You know how to treat me. You treat me good.” she said with a nod and a small reassuring smile on her lips. Wesley was hardly ever mean to her, inf act he was one of the kindest and gentlest people she knew. When he finally openly faced her she brought her hands down to his cheeks and smiled softly. “I don’t know who told you or where you got this idea that all you are is mozzarella sticks,” she paused. “But you are an amazing man Wesley, and you have so much more to offer than just breaded cheese sticks. You’re sweet. You’re funny an kind. Generous, loving, caring, smart, and witty. There are layers and layers to you and I love getting to know each part.” She paused taking her hands from his face and running them through her red locks. “While I don’t know each layer, I certainly know there’s more there than mozzarella sticks Wesley. I think you are amazing. Truly.” She looked back up at him and bit her lower lip lightly. “Who told you you were just mozzarella sticks anyway?”

[wesley-sanders]

God, he was so tired. All this anxiety was really starting to drain him and he felt it in his legs, how heavy they got and how wobbly his knees were bound to become. And when Steph came to put her hands through his hair he really knew he wanted to sleep. Sleep it off, shrug it off, worry about it tomorrow, rub some dirt on it and get back in the game. He hated talking about his feelings, as much as he claimed it was therapeutic. He liked helping other people through their feelings, not his. He shook his head. "That's all I've got," he mumbled. "And I hate feeling sorry for myself for it." Cooking was his only real skill--sure, he could fix your car and clean your pool and paint your house and dance your butt off with a few drinks in his system, but those weren't talents. He wanted to be good at something that wasn't just serving people. His eyes lifted to her, his expression softened and sleepier. Wesley shook his head again with a sigh. "I told myself," he answered in a breath. "Lizzy and I got to talking the other day. Just sorta came out." He rubbed the back of his aching neck, heaving another sigh. "I'd just give anything to be...worth something, y'know? I'm just another guy. I'm a statistic, I'm a number. I'm your dude next door. Who cares about the dude next door?"

[its-steph-johnson-deactivated20]

When Wesley spoke the redhead perked up, and turned to look at him. A small smile lifted the corner of her lips and she put her spoon down and mimicked his movements of turning to face him better. “You make me very happy.” She started, answering what she found to be the easiest question first. “Whenever I’m with you, it’s like, other stuff kinda fades away, you know? I’m in the moment with you whatever it may be, and yeah,” she paused, nodding and then pushing her hair out of her face. “Yeah Wes, you do make me happy.” She ran another hand through her hair before continuing. This was the conversation she’d wanted to have with him for a while. She was just surprised he had been so outward about it all that it had almost caught her off guard. “I think we could have what everyone else has. I think we could have better, because we’re us. I think we’re good together, that we’d be good together.” She paused for a second looking down at her bowl. “I know I’d be happy with you.” she finished turning to let her green eyes meet his blue ones. “Do you think you’d be happy with me?” she asked the question that had been floating around her mind for a while now. “Do I make you happy Wes?”

[wesley-sanders]

His face paled when she started to talk, sometimes making eye contact with him, sometimes not. He didn't know how to take in half of what she was saying, because he had never heard anything like that before. Feeling himself get worked up again, he struggled with the need to pace and move and breathe unevenly. He didn't want to be useless anymore. How was he supposed to process something like this when he couldn't even spit out his own words? It was stupid of him to ask... Her counter questions made the nausea lump in his throat, and he wanted to answer without missing a beat, but he had to swallow first. "Well, yeah, of course," he replied, feeling himself start to sweat again. "It's just--I know I could never...make you as happy as you make me. Y'know?" He shoved a hand through his hair. "It's, it's all, I'm all fucked up." He got up from the table and started to pace, unable to restrain himself anymore. "I just wish--I wish I knew, how to, like, treat people, I don't know. I'm like world's stupidest fly on the wall, I don't have much goin' for me, and I wanna... I wanna have...m-more than just," he sighed, facing her, defeated, "mozzarella sticks."

[its-steph-johnson-deactivated20]

She looked back at him and nodded silent for a moment mulling things over. Something must have happened if he was avoiding talking like the Black Plague but she wasn’t going to push him any further, especially when he was like this. Steph had seen Wes in some of his worst break downs and he’d seen some of hers, and they’d always been there for each other, so she knew when to stop pushing, and now was that time. She nodded again and squeezed his hands before standing up and going over to her cabinets to pull out two dessert bowls. “Ice cream it is.” She filled his with cookies and cream, and hers with cookie dough and put the two tubs away. She grabbed a couple spoons, glad that she was busy with her hands and something to focus on before she brought the two bowls over, and sat them down on the table. She sat back down beside him, and handed him his spoon before taking a large spoonful of her own and sticking it straight in her mouth. It was surprisingly therapeutic and she glanced at him for a moment before swirling some of her ice cream around the bowl to soften it.

[wesley-sanders]

He stared down into his bowl of ice cream like it would have the answers, and was actually surprised when it didn't. Food had always been his comfort. It was what he knew, he understood it, and it made people happy. But right now he couldn't have been less hungry. He watched Stephanie intently. She was only trying to help. He needed to stop being such a little bitch, man up, and ask the questions he had been meaning to ask. "Do you think we could ever have what everyone else has?" His teeth caught his lip, and he put his spoon down, turning his shoulders to face her a little better. "I mean...do you think we could be like them? Like Elijah and Blake, and Kyle and Celeste, and Emily and Marc? Could we be happy like that? Do...do you think you could be happy with me? Do I make you happy?"

[its-steph-johnson-deactivated20]

Her eyes searched his as he spoke and she mimicked his motion of chewing her own lower lip. She shook her head when he said he was messed up. “It’s not messed up, maybe just a little jumbled.” she countered running one of her hands through his hair. A small smile quirked the corner of her lip and she shook her head again. “You’re not an idiot. It’s okay not to know what’s wrong.” Stephanie took his hands from his eyes and laced his fingers in between her own. “How about you take me through your day and we figure it out together?”

[wesley-sanders]

Jumbled was right. More than jumbled. He could barely talk. With a heavy sigh and an aching back, Wesley didn't understand how she could smile. He knew she was doing all she could to make him feel better, but... It had to be his fault. It had to be his fault he wasn't feeling better. He was messed up, he was broken. He was broken and he didn't know how to fix it. He shook his head again. She really wanted to know what was going on but he just wanted to forget about it all and start again tomorrow. "I'd rather have ice cream," he murmured.

[its-steph-johnson-deactivated20]

She really didn’t understand what was going on. She didn’t get how they had gone from cuddling on the couch to essentially worlds apart in her kitchen. Had she done something or said something wrong? She didn’t think so. Her stomach twisted up as she hoped down from the counter, abandoning the ice cream and going over to him at her table. She sat down at the chair beside him and took his head in her hands forcing him to look at her. “I don’t know what happened tonight, but I’m sorry.” she started. She bit her lip lightly before forcing herself to continue, not even sure what he was trying to say. “I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m not mad, or upset or anything, I just want you to be okay. I want things with us to be alright. You know how I feel about you, and I know you said you’re not ready. I’m okay with us being friends, I’m happy with that, but I still want you to be able to talk to me about whatever’s going on. You’re not some sort of burden on me if that’s what you’re worried about. I… I… I care about you Wesley.”

[wesley-sanders]

He wanted to hit some kind of reset button on the night and start over so he could maybe try to explain what was going on in his head. Right now, it was all a jumble, a mess, and he knew he was taking it out on her. Pulling off limbs one by one would have been less painful than this. He turned his head toward her by her guidance, chewing on his lips. She wanted him to be okay and he sighed, dropping his head a little. "I'm so messed up," he forced out. "I don't know what's goin' on in my own head, but it's all messed up." He didn't want to talk about relationships or feelings or anything, he just wanted to feel better. But to feel better, you had to figure out what was wrong first--and he had no idea. He frowned, shaking his head. "I care about you, too, I'm just an idiot." He rubbed his eyes again. "I don't know, I don't know anything..."

[its-steph-johnson-deactivated20]

The redhead moved things around in the freezer to make it seem like she was searching for the ice cream even though it was sitting right in front of her face. She could hear his weight shifting from foot to foot and she took a slow breath in and let it out, watching as her breath became visible in the cold of the freezer. When she heard him say her name, her breath caught in her throat. She grabbed the two small tubs of ice cream and shut the freezer door. She set them on the counter and hopped up to sit beside them looking back at him. Stephanie let out another light sigh at his words and she shook her head before running a hand through her hair. This night had been off, everything with them felt off, and she hated that she couldn’t put her finger on why. But she didn’t think that about Wes, never had. The redhead tilted her head slightly and then shook it, letting her hair move around her. “No Wes, you’re not a shit. Far from it.” She answered reaching out one of her hands to offer him the option to come closer to her. “You can act shitty, but everyone can, and besides those times are far and few between when it comes to you, and this isn’t one of them.” she elaborated with a small smile lightening her features.

[wesley-sanders]

He was really feeling sick now. She didn't come near him, and her words sounded more tolerant than comforting. He didn't know what to do or where to go. He just wanted something to go right, something to feel right. And now everything felt wrong. He didn't take his hands from his eyes until he heard her sigh, and then he just felt guilty. He was standing here feeling sorry for himself when all she wanted was a quiet night in. A shaky inhale and a cough later, Wes started forcing himself to man the fuck up and calm the fuck down. This was life, and sometimes life was shitty. He had to buck up and deal with it, like he always had. He couldn't find the strength to smile back, not knowing why his feet were glued to the ground when she offered a hand out to him. Maybe because it felt like charity. Charity to someone who couldn't take care of himself. He bit back the roil in his stomach and sat down at the table, his back starting to ache with the stress. "I don't," he started, then huffed a breath, losing his words. "I don't...even know what--what to say anymore," he finally managed choppily. "I feel like my head's on another planet."

[its-steph-johnson-deactivated20]

She could feel his jaw set and she let her hands drop and took a step back away from him. Stephanie finally resigned and nodded slightly. “Yeah, okay.” she said giving a small nod, her hair falling just into her face. She ran a hand through it, nervously tugging at the ends before holding her arms together in front of herself. “Yeah, let’s have some ice cream.” she agreed, half a smile finding her face. This wasn’t the night she was envisioning. She didn’t like people not telling her things, especially when she blatantly knew they weren’t telling her. She got he didn’t want to talk about whatever it was, but how bad could it be? That just made her mind jump to all sorts of shitty conclusions that could have been so much worse than what it actually was. Did something happen to one of his parents, had something happened to him, was he seeing someone else and finally decided he didn’t want her? It all raced through her head, and she swallowed the lump that had grown in her throat. She turned without looking at him again and started toward the kitchen. “Cookies and cream right?” she called out over her shoulder as she opened the freezer, more to hide behind than to look for the actual ice cream.

[wesley-sanders]

He wanted to run out of the apartment and just keep going. Forrest Gump his way to the other end of the country. Escape everything. Maybe get hit by a truck along the way, that would be a twist ending. Or contract malaria and crawl into a cave and spend eighty years fighting the disease with the juice of a cactus flower. Something, anything. He just couldn't stand the look she was giving him. It made his stomach turn and twist and cinch. He wanted to be somewhere he could completely calm down, maybe press the reset button, start this whole thing all over again. Start life over again. "Yes," he replied as softly as he could. He shoved the heels of his palms into his eyes. "Steph," he forced out, not knowing whether he was going to throw up or cry or both, "I'm a shit, aren't I."

[its-steph-johnson-deactivated20]

Stephanie sat up for a moment. She could tell there was something actually wrong. She knew he said he hadn’t wanted to talk about it but as he walked off toward her bathroom the redhead was more than worried. She got up and walked over toward the bathroom and leaned against the wall, her head back letting out a small sigh she listened intently. She thought about what could be going on, and she recalled that the anniversary of Lucas’ death had passed recently and she bit her lip lightly. She wondered if that’s what could be bothering him. She couldn’t be sure without asking him and he had already said he didn’t want to talk about it, but as she stood against the wall the pit in her stomach only grew. When he opened the door she turned toward him, her lower lip between her teeth, chewing lightly before she decided to speak. ”Wesley Adrian Sanders.” she started. She let out a small breath before taking a step forward and bringing her hands up to his cheeks, staring up at him. “I know you said you don’t want to talk about it, but there’s clearly something very wrong. I’ve known you long enough to know when you aren’t okay. You know you can trust me. Please.”

[wesley-sanders]

She was waiting for him when he left the bathroom and his brows pulled down, feeling a little uncomfortable at the thought. She looked more nervous than he did, and used his full name, which made him take an involuntary half-step back. His jaw set when she touched his cheeks, knowing that she was going to try to pry open his brain and get him to spill it all. His tongue darted out to wet his suddenly dry lips. "I do trust you," he assured her nothing had changed, feeling his back clench. "Just because something's bothering me--I don't want to talk about it, okay?" His throat parched, and he didn't know what to do. He didn't want to make her feel like he was rejecting her, but he didn't want it all to come pouring out. That wasn't fair. "Are we going to have ice cream?"

[its-steph-johnson-deactivated20]

She let a small smile come over her lips and she turned her head just enough to place a gentle kiss on his cheek. Steph was glad that he had agreed and she snuggled against him forcing herself to get out of her own head about whatever was going on between the two of them. She was just glad that the two of them could spend time together. Ice cream it is. I have cookies and cream, mint chocolate chip, and cookies and cream.

[wesley-sanders]

He almost felt like he was going to be sick. The kind of sick he'd felt years ago, when they lost Lucas. All the teasing that came after. The torment, the mental agony. How he wished it would go away but he knew this was nothing compared to what Lucas must have gone through in his final moments, dying alone on that bus. Just ten years old. He felt like that again, not knowing what to do or which way to turn but like his brain was in knots. He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Cookies and cream," he sighed, "you said that twice, so it must be good." He sat up, rubbing his face. "I'll be right back." He stood up, padding over to the bathroom and leaning against the sink. He wanted to calm down, not wind up. Why couldn't he just calm down? Taking a few deep breaths, he refused to pick his head up to the mirror, though he toyed with the idea of going through her medicine cabinet. No--what kind of friend would he be, making Steph go through that? That wasn't fair at all. He swallowed the boulder in his throat, splashing some cold water on his face and patting it dry with the towel. He flushed the toilet for convincing's sake, waiting a few seconds with the faucet on before leaving the bathroom.

[its-steph-johnson-deactivated20]

[Stephanie could feel Wesley's muscles tight behind him and she started to feel slightly self conscious. Usually she was good at reading people but Wes had always been an exception even when the two were really close. The man was hard for her to read and it always took him longer to open up when she decided to give in and ask him. She let out a small sigh before nodding at his reply.] Want some ice cream after this or something? [she offered hoping it would at least pull him out of his head slightly.]

[wesley-sanders]

[Ice cream. He never treated himself to ice cream. Even on his bad days, he just went to bed, hoping tomorrow would be better. But tonight, he needed comfort food. He loved food. It always made him feel good. And he loved sharing food with people, knowing it would make them feel good, too. He nodded sheepishly, arms still around her and face half-hidden in her hair.]

[its-steph-johnson-deactivated20]

Alright alright.

[She let it go nodding slightly. The red head turned back to face the television and clicked on another episode of Chopped. She welcomed the brain numbing show focusing on that rather than whatever the man behind her was keeping from her. ] Yeah that sounds good. So whose your bet for this episode? I like the blonde girl for this one.

[wesley-sanders]

[He spent the next few minutes completely ignoring the show. Instead, he tried to gauge how Stephanie felt in his arms. If he got an immediate gut feeling, or if he didn't. That was how Wesley determined most things. He wasn't a very smart man, but he was a man who felt things very intensely. So he tried to use that to his advantage. Did she feel right in his arms? Did he want to touch her; touch her else where? Did he want to make her feel like a queen, did he want to protect her, did he want to be a partner with her? She had openly admitted to wanting the same things he did... So at least he wasn't wasting his time. But how did you know if the woman in your arms was The One? Most men said they knew the first time they saw them. Wesley wished he was the same way. Or, maybe he was, and his brain just needed time to catch up. He wasn't sure. He swallowed again, catching the tail end of the question and figuring he should just agree for the sake of sparing her feelings so she wouldn't realize he had been distracted.] Yeah, me too, the blonde one.