“Wait!” She said. He turned back to face her. They were on the verge of something. He wasn’t sure of what was about to happen but he knew either way it was going to ruin him. She stood in the darkness of the parking lot, still by her car, but he could read every inch of her body. He knew her enough that he could sense her aura, and right now she was giving off waves of intensity. ‘This is the moment’ he thought to himself. 'This is the moment when it changes.’ He could feel the crescendo in her breathing as he waited for her to finally speak. But she didn’t. They stood in a stalemate in the parking lot, facing each other over the hood of a car. The moonlight hit her face and washed her out completely. Her hair was almost white and her skin was a shocking ivory and her blue eyes stood out like beacons in the night. Straight from one of his dreams. She opened her mouth to say something and the magnitude of the last year hit him like a train; the feeling of immediate bonding of when they first met, the deepness of the looks she gave him when no one else was looking, the words they threw back and forth with double meanings that were never addressed. The entire year of knowing her was filled with confusion and anger and pure bliss. In the moment before she spoke he was acutely aware of how badly losing her would hurt-like ripping a piece of himself and throwing it away. The moment before she she spoke was the most anxious of his life. “I can’t do this anymore.” His heart exploded. He immediately grew hot all over and his palms sweaty. After a few long moments he whispered, “Do what?” Because as crazy as it was they never once addressed the connection that was so obviously present between them. They couldn’t because that would mean a lot of things he knew neither of them were ready to admit. Like how he had a girlfriend and she didn’t trust anyone but herself. She rolled her eyes and half turned away from him, as if she’d find an answer in the blackness of the trees lining the lot. After a moment she turned back. “You know what. Whatever this is,” she gestured between them. “I can do this. I’m sorry but I can’t. It kills me to say it but it’s been too long and I’ve fought too hard for you. I’ve been saying it for awhile now that somethings gotta give. I was holding on to the hope that it was going to be you but time and again I looked like an idiot and I’m done doing that.” He wanted to go to her and hold her and run his hands through her hair and finally give in and just be in a moment with her for the first time with no guilt, but he couldn’t move from his spot because he knew everything was changing and yet his life was the same. She wiped tears from her face. “I can’t fight this hard anymore. Not for someone who doesn’t care.” Someone who doesn’t care! He wanted to hold her beside him and shout from the rooftops that he was in love with this girl who changed his life and she thought he didn’t care. His heart broke for the both of them. If only she knew. He looked up at her to find her eyes piercing his own and he couldn’t look away. She stood bold and confident even as tears flowed freely down her face and God, he loved her. After a drawn-out minute she spoke. “You can’t even admit it.” She looked away and unlocked her car, head shaking. “You can’t fucking admit it. It’s probably better that way. It’s better for me to think you’re just an asshole who’s been stringing me along this whole time then to think you love me. Because then this just means I’m not enough.” The word love made his head vibrate as if someone had just smacked a gong inside his brain. Love. Love. Love? He was in love with her. He loved her. “I’ll see you later,” she said. She was in her car now with the window rolled down, and as she said it the girl he loved peeled out of the lot and left him in ringing silence.
Excerpt from a book I'll never write
