Ashes
Sometimes it can be really fucking hard being me. (I know ... Wahhh right?) I know it's hard to be anyone. But recently the difficulty has really bared it's teeth. I've been in a relationship with someone for 5 years. Those 5 years have been riddled with mistakes. Mistakes that have burned us both. I've come a long way in those years. I've grown up a lot. Become more self aware. And been able to admit that I mess up. It hurts because I don't want to mess up. I don't want to be such a horrible partner. And there are so many times that I have wanted to just walk away to protect her from me. I think the thing that keeps me from doing that is my genuine desire to be better. To see myself be able to learn and move on from those mistakes. It seems, though, as if it has got to a point where simply being me is a point of contention. Where the fact that I have these other parts of me creates issues in our relationship. She knows I enjoy the freedom of being allowed to do what I want.. with who I want. And even thoughā I don't NEED it. Even though I don't even think it's necessarily a good idea for me... The fact that any part of me would like it is dangerous to her. I've hurt her so much.. so many times. There's a fucked up part of me afraid that I won't ever stop. That the monster in me will always find a way out. No matter what I do. It's crazy making. Even as I write this I just want to scream out of frustration. I want to go to a club with a bottle of tequila and a duffle bag full of toys and find someone to unleash all of my tension on. I want to indulge in everything that I know I shouldn't because of how angry and exhausted I am with life. Anywho... If anyone actually reads this shit, maybe you can relate? I think many of us have that destructive part inside. And lately I've been literally at war with mine.









