Guilt?
Good morning!!
As you may know I’m currently almost 22 weeks pregnant with my second baby. Recently I’ve realised just how different my 2 pregnancies have been. Not just physically and symptom wise because they’re so different in many aspects. But also how I feel about the pregnancy and the unborn child.
If you don’t know Elizabeth was a complete SURPRISE pregnancy. I had just reached what I would say was the peak of my life and boom I got pregnant. I really didn’t want to be pregnant at the time and honestly abortion did cross my mind. However that’s just not for me. So my entire pregnancy I resented the unborn person growing inside of me. I’d even go as far as to say hated that unborn child. Which sounds horrible but it’s true. Even family after she was born said that they were worried about me. But as soon as she came out and I saw her face I fell in love instantly and I wouldn’t change her for the world. She’s my everything.
This time we were trying for a baby. Still a surprise baby because of how fast it happened but we were trying. By fast I mean we tried for 6 months just tracking my cycle and then the first month of using ovulation tests we got pregnant.
I spent most the first trimester ill and having a rough time. But now I’m half way through the second trimester and we know he’s a boy and his movements are getting much more frequent and bigger I’m falling in love with him more and more and I haven’t even seen his face.
This pregnancy is so much more exciting to me. I honestly want to share his movements with everyone and especially Shaun. I want him to feel baby move every time he moves and it makes me smile so much.
Then I feel guilty…
I look at Elizabeth and I think about how much I despised her when she was inside of me and the guilt floods in. Things were so different when I was pregnant 2 years ago, I didn’t want kids and here I was pregnant. It honestly breaks my heart knowing now how I felt about her and the difference I feel for my unborn son. The mum guilt for just how I felt about them both when they were inside me is real.

















