What To Expect, When You’ve Expected

Emily, 25, Mum of 1, Just a blog to show the realistic expectations of parenting! Follow my Instagram for more @emilywild1995

[whattoexpectwhenyouveexpected]

Guilt?

Good morning!!

As you may know I’m currently almost 22 weeks pregnant with my second baby. Recently I’ve realised just how different my 2 pregnancies have been. Not just physically and symptom wise because they’re so different in many aspects. But also how I feel about the pregnancy and the unborn child.

If you don’t know Elizabeth was a complete SURPRISE pregnancy. I had just reached what I would say was the peak of my life and boom I got pregnant. I really didn’t want to be pregnant at the time and honestly abortion did cross my mind. However that’s just not for me. So my entire pregnancy I resented the unborn person growing inside of me. I’d even go as far as to say hated that unborn child. Which sounds horrible but it’s true. Even family after she was born said that they were worried about me. But as soon as she came out and I saw her face I fell in love instantly and I wouldn’t change her for the world. She’s my everything.

This time we were trying for a baby. Still a surprise baby because of how fast it happened but we were trying. By fast I mean we tried for 6 months just tracking my cycle and then the first month of using ovulation tests we got pregnant.

I spent most the first trimester ill and having a rough time. But now I’m half way through the second trimester and we know he’s a boy and his movements are getting much more frequent and bigger I’m falling in love with him more and more and I haven’t even seen his face.

This pregnancy is so much more exciting to me. I honestly want to share his movements with everyone and especially Shaun. I want him to feel baby move every time he moves and it makes me smile so much.

Then I feel guilty…

I look at Elizabeth and I think about how much I despised her when she was inside of me and the guilt floods in. Things were so different when I was pregnant 2 years ago, I didn’t want kids and here I was pregnant. It honestly breaks my heart knowing now how I felt about her and the difference I feel for my unborn son. The mum guilt for just how I felt about them both when they were inside me is real.

[whattoexpectwhenyouveexpected]

I’m Hurting

So, I know, I know it’s been a long time!! But a lot has happened in the last 5 months. Basically I’m pregnant AGAIN!! 20 weeks with baby number 2, a little boy and I couldn’t be happier.

However this pregnancy has kicked my butt. Sickness was bad in the first trimester and now recently I was told I yet again have PGP/SPD whatever you want to call it.

My body is tired. It’s literally exhausted! My back, hips and pelvis just kill me. Walking upstairs is hard work, pushing a pushchair hurts my hips and chasing a toddler around is definitely 100X harder pregnant. Then I think I have 20 weeks left to go and this is all going to get worse and that fills me with anxiety.

I’m not sure I’m ready to get even bigger and have to mum all at the same time. My house is a mess because I don’t have the energy to tidy it, my washing is washed but not put away, my bathroom is in need of a clean, honestly I’m over it.

I’m really trying to get myself together and sort out my eating habits and try and keep active. But it’s just getting hard! But I will try. I don’t want to gain 4.5 stone this pregnancy!!

🤞🏻 I can get my shit together and actually have a decent 2nd half to this pregnancy!!

[whattoexpectwhenyouveexpected]

I Have A 1 Year Old

You guys...... I’m a mama to a 1 year old!!

Elizabeth turned one on Monday (8th) and it was the MOST magical day!!!

It turned out so much better than I thought it would and I am honestly so happy. Her birthday and her party was perfect. She had a wonderful day, she saw (some) family. Mostly through Skype. We had our support bubble come round for a buffet and we just had a lovely day together.

I can not believe she is 1 already, it’s crazy how fast this last year has gone!! It blows my mind.

But we’re now trying for baby 2!! Like actually trying and I’m SO EXCITED!! I can’t wait to give Elizabeth a sibling!!!

Here’s some photos from her birthday...

[whattoexpectwhenyouveexpected]

Bad Mum

Now then, I don’t know about anyone else or any other parents but I’m struggling. Now that Elizabeth is almost 1 I don’t know what to do with her anymore. There’s not a lot that keeps her entertained.

How do you play with a 1 year old when all she wants to do is strip the washing from your radiator, chew your remote or open and shut the living room door??

I don’t know what to do?? And I’ll tell you now the hours are long!! I pray for nap time so that I don’t have to try and think of something entertaining for her. I find myself on my phone A LOT and that is not the mum I want to be. I want to be the fun mum but playing is boring! There it is, I’ve said it!! It’s chuffing boring!!

Also meals?? Seriously, what do you make a 1 year old for lunch? I’m sorted for tea because she eats the same thing as us. But lunch???? God knows!! Honestly I feel like a terrible mum just giving her a sandwich every day but I have no idea what else to give her??

The struggle is real!

[whattoexpectwhenyouveexpected]

[whattoexpectwhenyouveexpected]

Judgement

Good afternoon!!

So as Elizabeth’s first birthday creeps up on me that also means that my maternity leave is coming to an end. In fact, I think it’s already over. But I have 6 weeks holiday on the end of it. I’m due to go back on the 1st April.

However we’ve decided that I’m not going back to work. Me working part time would just cover Elizabeth going to nursery and honestly I don’t see the point. I’d much rather stay home and take care of her than send her to nursery. It’s way too expensive and a lot more hassle, with me not driving.

But I’m extremely nervous about it. Handing my notice in scares the life out of me. Mostly because I don’t want the judgement from family and friends about us deciding I’m better off being a stay at home mum. I feel like people will just think that this is the easy way out of me not working. Honestly, it’s not true. I love working and I loved my job.

I love being a mum more. I don’t want to miss a single second of Elizabeth’s life. I don’t want to miss a single milestone, nothing!!!

I don’t want to be judged and I feel like I will be!!

Urgh!! 🙄

[whattoexpectwhenyouveexpected]

Good Morning

Good morning everyone! How are we all doing?? I’m doing good despite my partner being away for yet another week. But it is only Tuesday!!

However that is exactly what I wanted to come on here and talk about because I am lucky to have the option to send Elizabeth to my mum’s if things get too stressful for me. But for some unexplained reason that to me just feels wrong, I shouldn’t have to send my child to somebody else for them to take care of because it got too much for me. That makes me feel like a bad parent.

But on the other hand I also need a break sometimes. I really don’t know how single parents do it. What strong people they are. Although my boyfriend is out for 9 hours a day normally anyway, the hours he’s home between tea time and bedtime is enough of a “break” for me, which I’m obviously not getting this week.

So I thought send her to my mums for a few hours tomorrow just so that I can take a shower and have some me time. It would literally be a few hours but the guilt I feel is overwhelming.

I don’t know what to do???

[whattoexpectwhenyouveexpected]

It Never Ends...

Day 2 of this never ending hell!!

Honestly it’s 10:30am and I’ve had about 4 mental breakdowns!!

Elizabeth has been up and screaming, shouting and crying for her Dada since 6:30am. I managed to use the bathroom, brush my teeth and get half dressed before Calvin decided to throw up on the landing carpet.

So I ran downstairs, let him outside, fed him his breakfast (sometimes he throws up because he’s hungry) and collected the carpet cleaner and cleaned that up.

Finished getting dressed, got Elizabeth, fed her, she spat half the milk back out. Calvin was crying downstairs because he wanted to go outside yet again. Elizabeth finished her milk, wouldn’t stay still long enough for me to take her nappy off and wipe her butt before she sat on the bed!

Getting her changed and dressed took way longer than it needed too! I spilt my drink on the floor, my slippers and the bed.

Come downstairs, let Calvin out again and then he wouldn’t come back inside, took me an hour to get him back inside!! AN HOUR!!!

Elizabeth shit again, so I had to change that, but she wouldn’t stay still yet again!! Made her porridge she was crying because she wanted it, but it was too hot!

And now just spent 25 minutes putting her down for a nap!

Oh and MY UTERUS IS FALLING OUT!! 👍🏻

[whattoexpectwhenyouveexpected]

Struggling

So today has been rough already and it’s only 12:30am. Elizabeth is teething, she has 3 teeth cutting her gums right now all at the same time and she’s having a hard time. I’m making sure she’s topped up with calpol and teething crystals but that’s as much as I can do!!

She’s been so tired today and I’m extremely tired myself. My boyfriend is away with work this week and next which means I’m alone, parenting by myself 24/7. Granted that’s no different to the normal week, however I get a slight break when he gets home from work and he gets to entertain Elizabeth for a couple hours before her bedtime. I don’t have that right now. I’m doing it all by myself.

It’s hard, he’s been gone 3 days now and it’s rough. I didn’t realise how rough it would be. I’m not sleeping great because I haven’t slept alone in a bed since my daughter was born and i spent 5 nights in hospital. That was almost a year ago now.

I’m running on 1 cup of coffee and a whole bunch of deep breaths today!!

[whattoexpectwhenyouveexpected]

Sorry I’ve Been MIA

I just wanted to apologise for being MIA the past few weeks quite frankly, now that Elizabeth is crawling and on the move it’s hectic trying to take care of her, the house and everything else and write a blog post! But I’ll make the effort now!

I’ve also been struggling with my relationship. Honestly I think I’ve checked out. That’s really tough to say! But I’m emotionally drained by it. There’s no love anymore... but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. 8 years we’ve been together, we have a mortgage a dog and now a child. How do I walk away from it??

I don’t want to walk away from it. I love my boyfriend with all my heart, he’s been mine from 16 years old and the thought of him not being there makes me want to cry my eyes out. But he doesn’t make me feel worthy, he doesn’t make me feel good enough! I feel like I’m just his live in maid and nanny, not his girlfriend or his forever. That’s what’s hard!!

Then if I mention it to him, he says “well you don’t do it for me” and I just think, that’s because I’ve checked out. I’m done.

What’s even harder is the fact that I could leave this relationship and literally walk into another one if I wanted too. Without sounding big headed there is definitely at least 2 guys I know that would date me right now and at least 4 that would sleep with me! However he doesn’t understand that, I’ve told him multiple times but it doesn’t seem to bother him.

Like there’s no fight to keep me, to stop me from leaving him? There’s just nothing....

I don’t know what to do!

[whattoexpectwhenyouveexpected]

I Miss Him

I don’t know about you guys but is there ever a point in time where you sit back and think I miss him. I miss just me and him, just us 2! The fun we had together as us!

Sometimes I think I’d like it back then I realise that life is so much better now! It’s easier but it doesn’t stop me thinking about it.

Just a thought!

[whattoexpectwhenyouveexpected]

Happy New Year!!

Good morning/almost afternoon my lovelies!!

Happy 1st January!! Happy 2021!!

I mean lord only knows what this year is going to throw at us all but fingers crossed, touch fucking wood it’s better than 2020.

Although I had the greatest thing happen to me in 2020 with the birth of Elizabeth so I can’t complain too much!! But I’m also slowly realising she’s going to be 1 in March and I’m not sure I’m ready to deal with that yet.

I’m also coming to terms with the fact I’m not pregnant. I wanted to be pregnant by Christmas but obviously that didn’t happen. We’re now onto month 5 of trying and although having another baby is my ultimate goal of 2021 I’m not keeping my hopes up. I’ve stopped tracking my ovulation and I’m just going with the flow. Whatever happens, happens!!

I hope that we get to have another baby this year but if we don’t I’m forever grateful for Elizabeth!!

I hope you all have a wonderful year!!!

[whattoexpectwhenyouveexpected]

Back To Mum Stuff

Ok so back to posting about important stuff.

Elizabeth had her 8-12 month review today (over the phone) she’s 9 1/2 months old. I was sent a questionnaire a few weeks ago about Elizabeths developments, I filled it in and the lady on the phone asked me how I filled in the questions today and scored each development section out of 60.

She scored pretty well in each section apart from gross motor skills which they’re not worried about because she’s on the verge of crawling.

However as a mum it’s hard I find to not compare your child to other people’s. Like for instance I have a mummy’s friend who’s son is 3 days older than Elizabeth and he’s already crawling, trying to climb the stairs and everything and as I’ve said Elizabeth isn’t quite crawling yet.

I then find myself wondering if there is something wrong with her and my anxiety flares up as I question what could medically be wrong with her. Or I start to question my parenting. Maybe I’m not giving her enough attention or opportunities to start crawling or walking or whatever. Maybe it’s my fault?

Or maybe she’s just taking her time, which is fine! It’s just hard not knowing everything right from the start!!

[whattoexpectwhenyouveexpected]

Because I Can

So I’m here again to post some pictures that I couldn’t post anywhere else. You know why I’m posting them?

Because quite frankly, I can! I feel and look sexy in them and i want to inspire other mums to wear what they want, be comfortable in your new skin, embrace that body that grew another human or 2 or 3 or however many. Because you’re all bloody beautiful!!!!

[whattoexpectwhenyouveexpected]

An Update!

You guys, I’ve been so absent from here and this is partly because, I have nothing to say and because I don’t have the time to write anything. Life has been insane the past week just living and I haven’t had 5 minutes to sit down and type anything out.

Anyway, here I am at 7:15am before anyone else is awake just letting you know that everything is good over here!! Elizabeth turned 9 months old 10 days ago and I feel like she’s looking like a little girl and not a baby anymore which makes me extremely sad. She’s also EXTREMELY close to crawling and I’m so excited/nervous/scared by that honestly!!!

Month 3 of trying to conceive has come and gone and I’m not pregnant. Even though we upped our sex game last month. I didn’t track my ovulation because it just fills me with stress and the waiting inbetween ovulation and your period coming used to make me create false pregnancy symptoms so I’m going to lay off them for a while. We just increased the amount of sex we had. 13 times in a month isn’t too shabby for us!!

So we’re almost ready for Christmas. I’m done shopping and wrapping, Shaun on the other hand is not done. He still has me to shop for, he’s always last minute with my stuff. I don’t know why!

I hope your Christmas shopping is going well in this crazy world!!!

[whattoexpectwhenyouveexpected]

Mum Tums

So if you’ve ever been pregnant, you’ve got a mum tum!

It’s just a thing that comes with pregnancy! You grow this big belly that carries your precious baby and then when they’re born, unfortunately for most women it doesn’t go back to how it used to be. You end up with a saggy pouch of skin, maybe covered in stretch marks and if you have a c section, you’re also given a wonderful scar along your pubic line.

Now, I’ve NEVER liked my belly. I’ve always been a big girl and my belly has never been cute!! Since having Elizabeth I’m definitely a little more confident of my mum tum because it carried a baby. My biggest insecurity now, my c section scar. My lord I hate it. It’s just ugly. In fact this is the first time I’ve ever taken a picture of it. I don’t have any others. It’s gross, but it’s a reminder that Elizabeth had to come through there to live.

If she hadn’t been removed by c section, she’d have died. Then I would have had to have the surgery anyway. So I’m grateful for the scar.

Anyway, mums you have to learn to love your bellies because they’ve done something that men could never do. You’ve grown a human being for 9 months, be proud of that belly!!! It did you good!!

[whattoexpectwhenyouveexpected]

Mum Tums

So if you’ve ever been pregnant, you’ve got a mum tum!

It’s just a thing that comes with pregnancy! You grow this big belly that carries your precious baby and then when they’re born, unfortunately for most women it doesn’t go back to how it used to be. You end up with a saggy pouch of skin, maybe covered in stretch marks and if you have a c section, you’re also given a wonderful scar along your pubic line.

Now, I’ve NEVER liked my belly. I’ve always been a big girl and my belly has never been cute!! Since having Elizabeth I’m definitely a little more confident of my mum tum because it carried a baby. My biggest insecurity now, my c section scar. My lord I hate it. It’s just ugly. In fact this is the first time I’ve ever taken a picture of it. I don’t have any others. It’s gross, but it’s a reminder that Elizabeth had to come through there to live.

If she hadn’t been removed by c section, she’d have died. Then I would have had to have the surgery anyway. So I’m grateful for the scar.

Anyway, mums you have to learn to love your bellies because they’ve done something that men could never do. You’ve grown a human being for 9 months, be proud of that belly!!! It did you good!!