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[whenifeelundeserving]

Just noticed that my writing blog's content is always about my insecurity. It's really difficult to write when you're happy.

[whenifeelundeserving]

Writing

I got 7.5/10 in my think piece. I'm happy but still hungry for a higher grade. I guess I can still write more so I can score a little higher. Writing is considered as the bread and butter of the legal profession, and yet I am embarrassed to let anyone read my works.

Writing has always been my Waterloo. I am usually confident with my work or analysis but when it's time to write, I can't help but expect that my work is subpar compared to others. I have friends that are excellent writers, and I want to be like them. Their works reads like a poem and its structure flows naturally.

[whenifeelundeserving]

Envy

I still envy those who can express themselves poetically. Those who can play the English language like they're natives. When can I be like them? What should I do to be like them? These questions come up whenever I saw their posts.

I used to tell myself that I can be a judge. Will I be able to write like them? When I read ponencia in cases, I'm intimidated and retreat. And think that I'm okay with being a tax lawyer. But what if I'm not even a good tax lawyer? Where should I go? I am lucky I have a safety net if I fail. Maybe, that was the reason I always feel complacent in job I got.

[whenifeelundeserving]

Birthday

Aren't you supposed to be happy? As years go by, I feel like you're a sign that loneliness is slowly creeping in. I should have went home to celebrate you.

[whenifeelundeserving]

Envy

I envy those who can express their thoughts coherently. Those whose pronunciation are effortlessly flawless.

Stuttering and tongue-tied are always present in my speech. I practiced, yet it still not good enough.

[whenifeelundeserving]

Deserved

This feeling I had on my first day of law school comes back haunting me. At a time  when I feel alone and undeserving. The feeling of estrangement and sadness.