it’s kinda a long post and I started it like everything else: with me walking around my room and talking at loud like some kind of maniac. that season was very toxic to me, to be honest, so I did only twelve posts with art works. it’s nonsense to me. but there was a lot of talking posts as I can remember. and anger. and pain. and I understood that I need to make another to feel completely free from that. post about Twissy.
Missy is very different character now and she made a long way through these three seasons. there is still pain but she understood a lot of important things.
at the very first place, we met a maniac, crazy woman with her paradise, strange devices and desire to kill people. she was joking, laughing at the Doctor, kissing him, shouting and causing people’s deaths.
and then it broke. when the Doctor shouted at her: ‘why are you doing this?’
they both were in pain there and I think it was a very touchable moment.
she was almost crying there and talking sincerely with him: ‘I need you to know we’re not so different. I need my friend back.’
all she needed was him. her best friend. and them together. why? why was she like that? there is a big difference between even EOT Simm and her so what’s happened?
‘you know, I’ve been up and down your timeline, meeting all those silly people who died to keep you alive.’
she was wandering and trying to understand him. really. she understood one thing - they were alike. so there she was trying to push him over the edge, to make from him a dark!Doctor. she was saying to him: there is a power and you can take it. be my Master. rule the Universe. save everyone you want.
she wanted Valeyard. she wanted to be with him like that. and of course, he refused. 'cause no one can have that power. 'cause he always understood that he was not strong enough to fight it. but that moment made him understand - that there were a lot of people that tried to tell him who he was. he spent a whole season with that - 'am I a good man?’ 'you are good dalek.’ 'officer.’ 'President.’ and he was like: fuck y'all! I am the Doctor.
that great speech about himself was good and it was the moment when she understood that, too. she understood - they were also different. that exact moment. and then… he rejected her. she opened herself for him but he laughed at her face, ruined everything she created and won again. very embarrassing. he said before that without feeling pain people couldn’t feel the pain that they were causing. and you know what? he couldn’t. he just hurt her there and didn’t even understand that.
after the party ended she tried to stay with him: 'we can, we can go together, just you and me. just like the old days.’
she even would let him to prison her. I think that moment where it all started - she gave herself to him and he took it. he wanted to keep her like some untrusted person and to control her actions. and she agreed at that 'cause she needed him that much.
and then spell broke again. Clara Oswald took a weapon and said to him: 'if you have ever let this creature live, everything that happened today, is on you. all of it, on you. and you’re not going to let her live again.’ she manipulated him to kill the Master using the Doctor’s guilt and their closeness. the man who stood there and was the Doctor at once became someone else. someone whom Clara was expecting him to be.
'seriously. oh, Doctor. to save her soul? but who, my dear, will save yours?’
who will save the Doctor’s soul after that? who will make him understand what he was slowly becoming? she always knew him better.
and the Doctor was very grateful for Brigadier’s shout that causing her escape. he knew that she was alive. 'thank you.’
ages passed and the Doctor was going to die. he sent Missy his confession dial and abandoned her with that news. like, can you imagine how scared she was? she, with her only increased obsession? she could do anything to save him. even meet Clara again and ask a human for a help. 'because the Doctor is in danger.’
she followed him once, twice… she endured his obsession with Clara, his grown darkness, his rejection again and again. she saved him 'cause there could be no cosmos without the Doctor. she protected him from the first moment there was a danger to him. everything - just to save him.
at the same time, the Doctor spent time by slipping down further and further. when Vavros ‘killed’ his friends and ‘destroyed’ TARDIS the Doctor went crazy and said: ‘Why have I ever let you live?’
it mirrored Clara’s words about Missy in Death in Heaven and it was one of an infinite number of mirrored moments between them. Clara and the Doctor really made some kind of hybrid for themselves which parts couldn’t be without each other.
the Doctor threw Davros away from his chair, replaced him by himself and drove to threaten the Daleks. Missy that heard that could say only one thing: ‘Listen to that. The Doctor without hope. Nobody is safe now. He’ll burn everything. Us too.’ the Doctor wasn’t kind, he wasn’t patient. but he understood that he was not the Doctor: ‘There’s no such thing as the Doctor. I’m just a bloke in a box, telling stories. And I didn’t come here because I’m ashamed. A bit of shame never hurt anyone. I came because you’re sick and you asked. And because sometimes, on a good day, if I try very hard, I’m not some old Time Lord who ran away. I’m the Doctor.’
the man who remembered that he was the Doctor one day, the man who made a new version of himself from his name. he could be only the Time Lord who ran away or the Doctor. not all at once.
then was a moment. Missy tried to manipulate him to kill Clara. her last attempt in that direction. she saved his ass minutes ago and then this. why? 'cause she wasn’t a villain. and he was not a hero. they were more complex. it wasn’t about to take him on her side, it was about: see, Doctor, you are not that person you think you are. you are killing people. you can kill. you have your monster inside and you shouldn’t fight that. you should accept that. accept that you are not a hero, not a man from the fairy tales, that you have a dark side like everyone has.
'the friend inside the enemy, the enemy inside the friend.’
but he was angry. and obsessed with Clara. and in pain. as she would do anything for him as he would do anything for Clara. not healthy relationships. they both went down into self-destruction because of that. but the first difference was that she saw the edges and understood that they couldn’t be a one person (no hybrid, darling, no more pushing over the edge) and she didn’t try to make him do anything else but just let her be his friend. she even stopped killing people. but he.. he started again.
the final of season 9 is a hymn of self-harm, self-destruction, obsession, god complex and fear. everything - about the Doctor. he was killing himself for an infinite number of times, he killed a man, he insulted the President, he was playing a God, he broke few rules and laws of time. all - to save Clara. well, to be honest, to make a zombie. there was no the Doctor for a very long time. to break up with Clara he had to erase his own memory. he didn’t even have any strength to that on his own.
I keep remembering his speech in one of the deleted scenes of season 10 where he was talking that he could do everything to save people he loves and would want to be stopped. no one stopped him there. no one stopped him with a Gallifrey. no one came and told him that it was beyond his desires. no one came to save his soul. he couldn’t help himself.
time ran out and he met the Master again. she was going to die this time. very humiliating moment. she was begging for his mercy, she agreed to be teaching how to be good. she agreed to be a prisoner. and he took that. they went a full circle and were forced to start again. but this time there were more Valeyard than the Doctor and more Missy than the Master.
the Vault was not good 'cause it was a prison and she couldn’t leave that place on her will. instead of teaching her, talking with her he was just waiting that it will happen by itself somehow. the kindness in his speeches sounded like a just something people have to have. all that wasn’t about the importance of people’s lives or beauty of Universe without destruction and ownership, it was about being right.
'armies are for people who think they’re right. and nobody thinks they’re righter than you. give a good man firepower, and he’ll never run out of people to kill.’
remember? years ago, she was right. she wanted Valeyard and here we went.
their relationship was becoming worse and worse - he was leaving her (even for six months! can you imagine her condition all that time? did she eat something? did she know what happened to him? no. she was just here waiting for him like a dog), rejecting her, using her as a mechanic (after Mars. after that moment when she went after him in there. I think that after that six months and time when he went blind and wasn’t brave enough to meet her she was too scared to even think about the Doctor trapping anywhere so the first question that she asked was ‘are you all right?’ and he - feeling that he needed to change something while she was playing good - let her fix his TARDIS. such a noble!), insulting her and trying to make himself from her - make a mirror from her. time after time.
while the Doctor slipped down Missy started work with her feelings and her actions. she understood that he couldn’t see her and tried to save her individuality without killing and destruction. in the finale of season 10, she came with more light in her soul than the Doctor. meeting with Simm was like a breath of fresh air to her. she could see herself, the difference between then and now and - also - the ways she could go. she created a new person from herself. she started choosing the Doctor, not because of her obsession but because she wanted to. with Simm showed up she started making choice again - not doing what the Doctor wanted from her.
what happened then I honestly can’t understand. she had, maybe, a thousand ways to leave Simm without killing him. but Moffat thinks that if Missy change she became the another Doctor so… he’s as blind as the Twelfth was. and of course, he did this cruel and self-destructing thing with the Master. suicide. to be or not to be with the Doctor. metaphorically, everything is alright, but it’s so wrong with the psychological way. the Master what went such a hard way to be that person, to be Missy, destroyed it all at once. the great character who could be, maybe, the best anti-hero in all Universes did that to himself. it’s like a dark side won again.
I will always remember Missy how she was before that moment. and I hope that she’ll come back again and work through it. it was not 'a perfect end’ for them. it was Moffat that spoiled his own story with poison and pain.
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