Where She Speaks @where-she-speaks - Tumblr Blog

“I don’t think you really get the full “travel” experience unless you’ve done it alone. You don’t have to fly for ten hours, or to go to a country halfway around the world - you could just get in your car or train to go to a city a couple hours away that you’ve never been to. You just have to broaden your horizon a little bit, get to know what life is like outside of the routine world you’ve been living in. And the key is, to do it alone. We’re so used to having other people to depend on, if we get lost, at least we’re lost together. There’s still a sense of security, some familiarity you have with you. Remove all of that - all of the things you’ve gotten used to - and dive into a world of unfamiliarity. You’ll find that all that’s left is yourself. I think traveling makes you more aware of who you are, which encourages self-love and independence, which detaches you from the constant need to have someone’s approval. You are you, you define yourself - and gathering all these new experiences alone helps build character. You remove yourself from cultural ties and are able to make your own judgments about certain things. You experience the good, the bad, the beautiful, the scary - all by yourself. It’s honestly the best thing you could do for yourself. In the process of finding your way around a place you don’t know, sometimes you end up finding just what it is you’re looking for.”

— Me, on why I encourage people to travel solo. (via where-she-speaks)

March, you were wonderful to me.

I’d initially wanted to document all of my experiences the past month through blogging, but that just didn’t work out - so little time, so much to do eh? It was such a momentous past few weeks though, that I cannot pass up jotting down my thoughts on it even in retrospect.

(Just for some background information: I’m currently in my fourth semester in university, and I’m studying to become a teacher for English and Spanish.)

The entire month of March was by far the most stress I’ve had to endure in the longest time, if not EVER. Yet it was one of the most fulfilling experiences I’ve gone through. Prospective teachers at my university are required to do a 5-week internship at the school of their choice in order to have a better understanding of what being a teacher truly entails. Now, many people would probably think of an internship as an easy breeze, but that wasn’t the case here. While I loved every minute there and genuinely looked forward to seeing the classes I was accompanying, it was so draining. Students, whether they be in fifth grade or graduating high school, can be extremely loud and just.. the general environment is so exhausting, especially when you’re not used to it. The act of simply being in front of a class is challenging in itself, but all the preparation before and after class is out of this world. Teachers, especially ones who do their job with a passion and not in monotonous routine, have earned newfound respect in my book.

I taught classes. Aside from the fact that my students were beyond lovely and respectful towards me for the most part (a couple did try to take advantage of the fact that I was new), what I loved the most was hearing feedback from other teachers saying that I was on the right track. Apparently, my personality is perfect for the job and one even said that I was able to create an atmosphere in the class where every single student feels comfortable participating. Such delightful words to hear. Mind you, I never for a moment questioned whether or not I wanted to pursue becoming a teacher, but it’s still comforting and encouraging to hear positive affirmation from people of that profession.

The month wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies though. My big storm was me failing an exam for the first time, a Spanish one. At first, I felt quite embarrassed about this, until I realized, failing is part of the journey. Falling and getting back up again. For the weeks prior to the make-up exam, I studied like I never studied before - really! Long story short, I studied hard, didn’t let myself get discouraged, took the exam, felt so confident with my work, and eventually passed it. Yay! There was another exam I had to take two days after that. All around I kept hearing semi-discouraging words about it, saying that majority of the people fail on their first try and other words following that kind of negative thought. Tip? Don’t listen to that. Don’t base your expectations on what other people have experienced themselves. So I kept my mind focused, took the exam, confidently finished in half the time that was allotted for it, and guess what? I passed. We’ll receive the grades in a few weeks, but I’m fairly certain I got a good one.

Another milestone for me was writing a 10-page thesis paper in German, and writing another 10-page thesis paper in Spanish. CRAZY. Writing thesis papers in two languages that aren’t my mother tongue is insane. It was insanely hard work, but I did it! I actually did it!

This semester, I’m also teaching this tutorial at my university for a different course, but for the same professor, and I’m really nervous about it. At the same time though, I’m really proud. I’ve made some pretty good connections with some deans and professors at the university and I honestly just feel so, so, so happy that my anxiety-filled self, who didn’t attend any party or social event during her first year at university, has finally broken out of her shell and continues to fight every day to become better.

I’ve fought so hard the past seven years to get where I am today - started from the non-German-speaking, Hauptschule-enrolled, zero-friendship bottom - and now, I’m almost at the very top. All these experiences have made me such a brave, strong-willed, determined young woman and I couldn’t be more thankful for all the hardships I’ve gone through to get to this point.

#germany #lehramt #teacher #teaching

Goals for 2017.

The past couple of years, I haven’t been one for New Year’s resolutions anymore. When I stopped living for the weekend and started realizing how much I actually love every day of the week almost equally (except I like Mondays a little more), it influenced my way of thinking. There’s no more waiting for a fresh start, or waiting until the stars align. After fully realizing and accepting time as nothing but a social construct, my mentality changed. No crazy-ass aspirations from me this year! I have only set goals, which took time to ponder over, but now, I want to set them into stone as a checklist.

1. Become a member at the animal shelter.

This goal has been on my mind for several months now, however it hasn’t come to pass just yet, because, quite frankly, I am your typical poor student. In fact, I may be even poorer than the “average” student in my university, most of them who still live off of their parents. Quite frankly, I don’t even know what area of my life I could cut back on, because the money I take in is the money I need for bills and groceries. I only purchase the cheapest of the cheap, only buy fruit in season, etc. Even the cash I got for Christmas isn’t something I can use for my fancy, because I need it to pay for my semester fees in February. It’s a tough adjustment, but I feel so passionately about this issue, about animal shelters having enough finances to care for our little orphan friends as well as they can. The membership fee is only 20 Euros annually, and I believe I can make it work somehow.

2. Not necessarily to travel further, just to travel more.

As per usual, I’m still a soul that can’t be contained in one place. I am a firm believer in traveling as a form of education and development, and also as a tool necessary to grow. Being open-minded, understanding different cultures, even maybe learning a new language or eating delicacies you’ve never even heard of - these are all things that have contributed to my character, and for 2017, even on a budget, I am determined to see more of the world. It doesn’t have to be exotic, it may just even be driving a couple of hours to be in a place I’ve never been before. (P.S. In July/August, I may be going to Latin America for a semester, so here’s to hoping that it all works out!)

3. Start a blog.

A few weeks ago, I found myself thinking about different hobbies I enjoy, and how I just half-ass them in a way. For instance, I run and train on occasion, but I don’t run competitively or even join any run (except for the TM last year!). Or I love animals, but I’m not fully vegan - or even a member of the local animal shelter. Or that I love to read but don’t write reviews. Or that I love yoga, but have never taken a class or even challenge myself enough when I practice. One thing I want to pursue though, is a blog. A proper one, with my own domain and all. In doing that, I could learn more about HTML and CSS, expanding on the basic information I currently know, and have something I can practice being creative on and simply enjoy.

4. Explore minimalism.

Okay, I’m quite minimalist to begin with. For over two years, ever since I started living alone, minimalism gently became a part of my life. Clothes are regularly donated to charity, my pantry closet is only filled with food I actually eat, books of little or no importance have been sold or given away, etc. However, I have now gained more knowledge and insight on the topic, based on all the research I’ve done on it, and I find myself being so inspired by simplicity. The goal is to explore minimalism while being aware of it, and maybe simplify my life a little more - while still creating a cozy environment in my small apartment.

5. Be vegan.

Just fucking do it. I’ve been about 80% vegan for the longest time now, that I don’t know why I can’t just dive in completely and change the 20% too. I have read up so much on European drugstore products that are vegan and don’t test on animals, and I have already been purchasing some of those for quite a while now. The knowledge is there, and the passion - so this time, I am just going to do it. I struggle sometimes when I’m in uni sometimes, and have forgotten to bring a snack with me. The only quick - and possible option on most busy days - is a non-vegan cereal bar or pastry from the vending machine. In order to be fully-geared and head into this like a warrior, I need to incorporate baking on a weekly basis. If I have cookies or muesli bars lying around, they’re easy to pack and take with me to uni. My budget does not allow me to purchase vegan bars at the grocery store, so my go-to option is preparing my own food.

6. Speak Spanish as often as possible.

It’s my course in college, sure, but I am still not good at speaking it by any means! What a shame, eh? Sometimes, I feel insecure because a lot of the people in my course took a gap year after getting their Abitur and spent a year or whatever in either Spain or Latin America. Obviously, they’re great at it! I, however unfortunate it may be, am not. This shouldn’t cause me to shy away from learning it though! If I want to teach it in the future, I have to learn it. Now, I’m working on getting the courage to speak it with confidence.

7. Forget feeling embarrassed.

When I was younger, I remember my mom telling me, “You should only feel embarrassed about something if you caused another person harm.” It may sound silly, but this is such a good reminder for me, because I am the type of person who gets embarrassed about everything. Is it because of my anxiety? I’m not sure. All I do know is, I get so embarrassed and flushed so easily, even over the smallest things! I could give endless examples, but that would just be overkill. The point is, feeling embarrassed often holds me back, or even the fear of it. I don’t know how to ride a bike, because I never learned it as a child, and here in Germany, the idea of being caught trying to learn how to ride a bike as a 23-year old is embarrassing to me. In university, whenever I’m in a seminar with German as the course language, I rarely say anything, in fear that I might (as has already happened several times) might say something grammatically wrong. Why do I feel embarrassed about this? I was not born, nor raised here, and I started learning German when I was 16. I am good at it, but I’m not perfect at it. That’s no reason to be embarrassed though! “You cannot grow where you’re comfortable” is a quote that speaks to me greatly and will probably be guiding me through this year.

8. Spend more time with my family.

Last year, I barely got to see my family. “Barely” is a subjective term, sure, since I know a lot of people who only visit their families on special holidays, whereas I saw mine probably once every six weeks or so. However, I saw my parents more than I did my sister and I would like to change that. My sister is my best friend, and we used to have such a great relationship, and while we’re still on good terms, I’d like to have that kind of sisterhood with her again, where we could just talk about everything and hang out like sisters are meant to. Uni life is stressful, and the fact that she lives far away is a challenging factor, but I’m sure we can make it work.

Well, I guess that’s it!

It is quite difficult trying to plan out this year, because I may be abroad from August to December, or I may still be here in Germany. Who knows?! But as far as goals are concerned, those eight ones are mine. The year ahead is full of surprises, I just know it. xx

2016 Round-up.

January

The year began in the Philippines, my hometown, with my mom and my boyfriend. We attended a rooftop party in my family’s favorite hotel, and had a fabulous time! It was my first New Year celebration in a relationship, and it’s really exciting. It was also lovely spending it back in Manila after six years of not having visited. The days leading up to my flight back to Germany were spent with friends and loved ones, creating new memories and rekindling old friendships. It filled up my heart so much, and I was terrified of leaving again. Coming back to Germany was strange – it was strange, because it surprsingly didn’t feel strange. Sure, I spent the first couple of days in a trance, missing home, my Asian home, but being in Germany didn’t feel wrong anymore. This is when I truly felt my heart having two homes. Being back in Germany meant facing reality: exams, papers and all the like. It wasn’t too bad though, as it was my first semester in university.

Also, my grandma passed away just one day after my grandfather’s birthday. They would have been married for 70 years next year, unfortunately she didn’t make it. Her entire system was failing, and she left us peacefully.

February

The stress in university continued up until this month. Truthfully, I don’t remember much about it, aside from the fact that I spent so much time studying, and that I spent Valentine’s Day (even if it’s just a Hallmark holiday) with Tim! He took me to our favorite restaurant, and it was the bomb.com. I probably just lost 10 cool points for saying bomb.com but whatever. This month, I also started going back to the gym regularly. But what even is regular, right? I just mean that I’ve developed a casual relationship to fitness, in a sense that I could workout and just enjoy it or no workout and not feel guilty about it. What a milestone. Not just saying that I don’t care, but actually – literally – not giving a fuck about it. Hats off to me for reaching this point!

March

My one-year anniversary with Tim! I feel like I have changed so much as a person when I started university, and during the course of our relationship. I now go through my day with so much awareness, yet still maintining my heart. It’s a great thing having a constant supporter by your side. This is a guy who is a meat LOVER, yet supports my attempts (!) at a animal-cruelty-free life. This is a guy who doesn’t believe in religion, yet respects my views on it. We are completely opposite poles sometimes (me being too stuck-up, him being very carefree), but we bring out the best in each other. He is honestly the biggest blessing. It hasn’t always been smooth-sailing, but smooth means boring. Waves mean challenges, overcoming them and coming out stronger.

Aside from that, March was also when I served as a chauffer for a week when my mom’s friends from the Philippines visited. So much fun! I got to drive from Osnabrück to Frankfurt at 3:00 am AND BACK. It was so much fun just hanging out with mom in the car, singing to the radio and just catching up in general. My dad also had a knee surgery during this time, so I spent loads of time visiting him at the hospital as well.

This month, my Macbook died. This month, I bought an Acer laptop instead (I haven’t used Windows for 7 years). This month, my receipt for that laptop won at this annual Easter bunny race (you get a bunny number on your receipt and if the bunny arrives first, you win), which meant that I got HALF of what I spent on my laptop as store credit. IS THAT NOT CRAZY?!

April

University started back up again for the second semester. Tim and his dog, Sky, would visit me on weekends and we’d go on little hikes around where I live. This semester was pretty rad as well, because I was taking courses I thoroughly enjoyed! This month was also when I joined this year-long mentoring program for children that are either immigrants, come from difficult families, etc. I can now say with confidence that although I was incredibly nervous in the beginning, it was definitely one of the best decisions I have made. My mentee, called Mogli in the program (inspired by The Jungle Book), has taught me so much and opened my eyes to different situations. As I am aspiring to become a teacher, it’s interesting to see and be aware of what my potential future students go through on a day-to-day basis.

Also, one of my friends won two tickets to a football game in my city, and since she doesn’t like them, she gave them to me instead! I asked Tim to go with me, and it was so much fun. The game was my city’s team vs his city’s team. So, so funny AND fun to watch! It was my first time in a football stadium.

May

Now, May is always a lovely month, but this year it was extra special! First of all, it was surprisingly very summery here in Germany, despite it officially being spring. Sky’s birthday was also this month, so I baked her some peanut butter-coconut pupcakes! My heart MELTED when I saw her face coming into the kitchen, trying to figure out what the smell was. Since we never bake for her, and she knows that food prepared in the kitchen is for humans, she just kept sniffing and sniffing but probably didn’t get her hopes up. So when the pupcakes (with frosting!!!) were done and cooled, I gave her one. She was so bashful, it was adorable. I honestly can’t put it to words, it was an amazing feeling.

It was also this month that one of my closest friends from the Philippines was back touring Europe and had a stop in Berlin. We decided to bring our boyfriends with us, so they could meet each other, and it was LOVELY. Tim and I drove there and stopped at Kassel and Leipzig, two cities that were incredibly beautiful, and we slept in the car for a night. Real adventures right here! In Berlin, we booked an Airbnb with a nice French family, and everything went smoothly. Our first day there, we walked probably around 18 kilometers, because there was so much to see (and re-see)! Catching up with my old friend and her boyfriend felt so, so nice.

June

June was pretty uneventful, as far as I can remember. My dad celebrated his 69th birthday, but he was still in rehab because of his knee surgery, so we all visited him instead. Aside from that, there’s not much to report, given that the month was filled with studying for exams.

July

I conquered the Tough Mudder! Knowing that I’d always wanted to do the Tough Mudder, even before it came to Germany, my boyfriend secretly signed me up. He simply sent me the registration email and I went CRAZY. It was so exciting! Of course I was nervous, but we were doing it together, so I was pretty calm about it in the end. The entire experience was great, despite me not being a runner at all. We even made friends there! They ran the same pace we did, so we started talking and found out that we come from the same city! We ended up running the entire 19 km together, helping each other at the obstacles and drinking beer after. A fantastic day, which was the highlight of the whole month.

August

Like I mentioned, I’m part of this mentoring program for disadvantaged children and this summer, I was able to do a lot of fun activites with her, along with other mentor-mentee pairs! We went swimming, bouldering, rode a paddle-boat, to the zoo. So much fun.

Also this month, I visited an animal shelter here in Germany for the first time. Unfortunately, I hadn’t had enough time this year (and money) to become a member and take the dogs out on walks often (more in 2017 Goals post). Nonetheless, this really opened my eyes and I am glad that I took that first step and actually visited the place.

I ALMOST FORGOT. My boyfriend and I took a roadtrip to Denmark! How could I have almost missed this? We didn’t plan the entire thing through, because spontaneous trips are usually the best ones. We packed up the car with blankets, food, spare clothes and that was it. We slept in the car again, and on our second night, we found a parking space directly in front of the beach. In-credible. It was a beautiful sight waking up in the morning to the sound of waves hitting the shore, and the view of an endless horizon. We ate a lot of fast food those few days, but honestly, I don’t even care. It was perfect.

September

My birthday month, wooohoo! I love my birthday – not because I want people to celebrate me, but because it’s always a good excuse to put myself first for a day and do things I genuinely want to do. This year, my boyfriend, his dog and I took a weekend trip to the Harz mountains to go hiking. We bought a tent and all the gear that comes with hiking! Side note: I have never slept in a tent before, let alone own one, and this was so exciting! On my actual birthday, we did a 16-km hike up to Brocken, the highest point of the mountain range, and it was honestly the best thing ever. Tim planned the entire hiking trip from start to finish. Didn’t I tell you he was amazing?

October

Well, obviously uni started back up, so routine was (thankfully) forced back into my system. It was difficult not being around Tim and his dog everyday, but I was constantly on the go anyway. Due to apparently being a good student and having a good grade on a certain course last semester, I was offered a job at the university as a tutor for an Introduction to Literary and Cultural Studies course – only like one of my FAVORITE things to talk about! Gladly, I accepted the offer 1. because I love teaching 2. because I love the subject 3. because I wanted to spice up my resume and 4. because I wanted some extra income. It goes without saying that this was another great decision I made! Sure, the students are always motivated, but I try to keep it interesting and they seem to find me quite okay so that’s good.

November

This month was when I officially started getting into running! I say this with caution because I do not run regularly. Yoga and lifting weights are still my loves, but since I have found friends at uni who are also into trail runs like I am, I decided to quit only running during the summertime and pursue it as a year-round hobby. In November, I ran for the first time with temperatures below 5 degrees. For me personally, this was such a milestone since I usually only ever ran leisurely when it was super warm outside (i.e. in a tank top and shorts). I am so proud of myself for this!

University went pretty well, too. Before the semester started, anxiety filled up every inch of my being. I constantly doubted whether or not to pursue the courses I’m taking, whether I’m fit to be a teacher, whether that’s even what I want to be, etc. Now, however, I feel comfortable. And more confident. It’s not easy, it’s anything but that. Yet I still feel capable of accomplishing it.

December

A couple of family squabbles here and there welcomed in the month, but it was nothing newsbreaking. We’re all on good terms now! One really exciting thing that happened was my boyfriend’s birthday! I surprised him by taking him bouldering (I packed up his gym gear and told his friend to meet us there), then we went to this really fancy restauarant recommended to me by his mom, and we ended the night by watching Rogue One with his bestest friend. He had no idea that I had planned anything, only that we would spend the day together, and he was so pleased with the outcome! I’m glad I could make him happy. Apparently, he’s never experienced such a surprise before, especially a birthday one, and was beyond ecstatic. We split the price on his birthday gift as you sometimes do, hehe, because he really wanted a Fitbit and I couldn’t afford to pay for it whole (and he would’ve never let me!).

University stress has started to rise, but I’m not trying to get it to me too much. I am trying not to procrastinate, but it is difficult, especially around Christmas time. Oops.

Yep, CHRISTMAS. Christmas was wonderful. We spent Christmas Eve at my boyfriend’s parents‘ place and Christmas day at my sister’s place with my entire family. SHE GOT ENGAGED, BTW. I am so, so happy for her and her fiancé – and am so excited about the wedding as well! I can’t believe she’s actually old enough to get married, but ah! Love is in the air, and I am LOVING it.

#2016

December is a lovely, lovely, lovely month.

My boyfriend’s birthday was last Monday, but as we live far apart, we decided to celebrate it on Friday instead. I told him to not plan anything for the afternoon/evening, because we’ll be spending it together. Little did he know that I had a little surprise planned with a couple of his friends. First, we went bouldering (his first time!) and we all enjoyed it so much. Following that, we went to this really nice restaurant that was a recommendation from his mom that I had made reservations to (incredibly delicious food & really friendly service!) and to end the night, we (the both of us and his best friend, who showed up as a surprise for Tim) watched Rogue One which was an AMAZING movie. Sorry for those who hated it, or who think any further Star Wars film is overkill, but I just adored it. It was a wonderful time, and even after two years of knowing him, I keep falling for my boyfriend - a little bit more every single day.

Christmas is just around the corner (can you believe it’s this weekend?!) and I’m almost done shopping for Christmas presents. The only things left on my list are: a gift card, some higher-quality biscuits and a present for my boyfriend’s grandpa. I’m thinking maybe we could get him a sweater or something. Grandpas like sweaters, don’t they?

This morning, I did some uni work, because anyone who takes their education seriously knows that Christmas break isn’t really a “break” - rather, it is some time allotted to planning out term papers, watching lecture recordings for parallel courses, etc. Also, the Electoral College voting is happening today, so there’s that. I’m doing this elective about the US presidential election and I have been so invested in all the coverage surrounding it and am convincing myself not to rule out any result - because 2016 has been so unpredictable in every possible way.

Also, I ate about 5 slices of cake yesterday, and 4 slices on Saturday. My evolution from human into a huge ball of pastry has already begun.

Taking Time to Reflect.

While I practice yoga, or if I am out on the occasional run (which has gotten even rarer since I’m busy during the day and have yet to purchase a headlamp), I think. I try to shut myself off from the world and just process my own thoughts. Now, after these brief moments of reflection, I forget about them eventually, because I don’t have them written down. This is an attempt of me remedying that.

I’ve been back at uni the past month. Oh lord, has it been a busy four weeks - and it’s going to stay this way until March, but hey, it’s such a blessing to get a degree, so I’m not complaining! It’s exciting to see me develop and mature as a person through university, and basically just making things happen for myself. My first semester, I just did what the university required of me to. I took the classes planned out for the semester and nothing more. One year later:

I give a weekly tutorial at the university, which I am ecstatic about because 1. I love literary and cultural studies and now I am being paid to talk about it and 2. as a future teacher, this gives me good practice.

I’m doing my second semester as a volunteer for this mentoring program for children between the ages of 6-10. My mentee and I have developed such a loving relationship, and I can’t believe how much she’s evolved into this listening, caring little girl who is now almost like my own sister. This program is meant to help them out, but frankly, I’m impressed with how much being a part of this program has helped me.

I found some friends at uni who are also into trail runs, and just fitness in general, and it’s so fun! We’re registering (if I can afford it, lol) for our first trail run/obstacle course in the summer of 2017 this month. This is so exciting! Having a bunch of people sharing your interests is a fun thing.

I’m finally forming friendships that go beyond that acquaintance level of, “Hey, when’s the paper due again?” and more into the realm of, “Let’s grab some coffee!” and I am ecstatic about it. I’m learning to love uni and all that comes with it.

Without it being required, I’m doing this Projektseminar about the US presidential elections, and it’s an exciting thing being part of the course. We stayed up all night and all morning at the university to watch the votes get tallied, and we all mourned together as we witnessed the slow victory of the Republican party. It was a fun thing though, because I am letting myself be involved in things, and through that, I’m getting to know so many people! And make all these new friends!

That being said though, as I am extremely busy with university this time around, I see my boyfriend a fraction of the time that I used to see him a year ago. It’s frustrating too, because I see him for around 24 hours once every week, and whenever we’re together, I can’t seem to keep my good mood to last for long. It’s not his fault, it’s not the relationship’s fault - of this, I’m certain. I’ve realized that there are two culprits for this: first, the stress and second, the lack of routine whenever I’m there. As I’m under stress for the most part during the week and feel as if I need to be constantly working on weekends too, I let it out on him when something’s not going according to plan. Poor boy. Also, whenever I visit him, my entire routine goes down the drain, because weekends are meant for spontaneous fun, and I get that! I do realize though, that I still need some sort of structure, otherwise I feel very unproductive and that bothers me way more than it probably should. These topics were addressed via Whatsapp tonight, and I’m so blessed to have someone so understanding. We’ll both work on figuring out a solution for this.

Now, a warm shower is calling my name. Nighty night. xx

My Skincare Routine

My skin’s never been something I was incredibly proud of, or something that I found nice. All throughout my childhood and puberty, rashes, odd discolored patches and blemishes were not a rarity. Now that I’m 23, acne’s died down a bit, except for occasional breakouts on my back. I honestly don’t know why this is, as I don’t consume dairy or too much junk (which usually cause me to breakout), but for the most part, I think I now finally have control over my skin issues! It’s been over a month now, since I’ve established this new skincare routine of mine, and the skin on my face is looking good. I never wear foundation anymore - unless it’s a special occasion - and usually just leave the house with some undereye concealer and done eyebrows. Prior to this, I was very uncaring towards my skin: only washing it at night once every few days, not using spot-on treatment, popping zits on the daily, etc.

Now that I’ve found simple products that work for me, I figured it would be a good idea to document it, in case I stray from it in a few months’ time and would like to remember what works for my skin. Note: I am a uni student and have a tight budget. No fancy-schmancy products for me! Also, I try to keep it as simple as I can.

MORNING

1. Wash face with cold water. Dab dry.

2. Apply Biocura Tagescreme. (It’s a cheap moisturizer from Aldi, which works surprisingly well on my super dry skin! Especially around the nose area.)

EVENING

1. Remove makeup using Diadermine Reinigungsgelée and a cotton pad.

2. Cleanse face with Lavera Basis Sensitiv Washgel. Use warm water, but finish off with a cool splash.

3. Tone using Weleda Erfrischende 2in1 Reinigung.

4. Exfoliate. (My own homemade exfoliant: sugar, olive oil, juice of half a lemon, a few drops off lavender essential oil)

5. Rinse off.

6. Apply spot-treatment: either tea tree oil or Duac Akne Gel.

7. Moisturize with Nuxe Multi-Purpose Dry Oil.

And that’s it! I’m running low on a couple of the products and am torn between trying something new or repurchasing. Also, I have terrible undereye cirlces (having thin skin has cons like that), so if anyone has recommendations or advice on how to lessen them, please let me know!

#skincare #facial #routine

Exciting Times!

1. Yesterday, I went for a run around a lake with a perimeter of around 3 km. It’s my favorite running spot, because of all the nature and all the serenity I get. Also, it’s quite far from the city, so it really is peaceful and only ever crowded during warm summer days when everyone wants to picnic. Well, during my midday run yesterday, I was able to go the whole way without stopping! Ok - truth be told, I stopped once to tie my shoelace really quick (<10 seconds, I swear!), but nothing more. Ah, it feels so good. I remember not even being able to run 500m without taking a walking break - but now I can go over 3 kilometers!

2. Also, I went bouldering for the first time yesterday. This volunteer mentoring project I’m involved in really opens doors of opportunity, not only for my mentee, but also for me! A friend also participating in the program asked me last week if we’’d like to go bouldering together - with the kids - and of course I said yes! My mentee was thrilled too. :) It was a wonderful day! Next time, I’ll be asking around if there are people interested in doing this regularly. Incredible fun.

3. I signed my contract at my university today! What a blessing it is to be able to work for your university, because - for the most part - you can tailor it to your needs and your schedule. There’s no having to drive somewhere else, because your university is also your workplace, and I’m really fascinated by the idea! It’s only for the semester, but hey ho - I feel so blessed! Also: a little more $$ for a few months. HOLLA.

4. Also, just as a side note, I’ve practiced yoga everyday for about three weeks now? Without even planning to do so, or even paying attention to it. I’ve established a morning routine, which yoga has become a part of, and now my body just feels it when I haven’t practiced in a while. It craves the peace, the movement, the flow. Love it.

5. The gym happened today! I planned on working out at noon, after getting all chores done, but as I’ve caught the common cold, I wasn’t feeling too well. After a nap, three episodes of Friends (who can ever watch just ONE? Nope, not me) and a warm tomato soup, I packed my gym bag and went through the door. No regrets. My body LOVES all the movement! It’s always loved physical challenges, but lately, ooooh boy - it has just been enjoying it so much!

Taking Little Steps to Mental Strength

While drinking my daily 6 am coffee, a certain TedX talk kept me company – probably the best one I’ve watched so far. Frankly, I think I’m quite a strong person, both in the physical and mental sense. For years, I’ve put effort in not being a weakling, in conquering the weaknesses of my body as well as those of my mind. Although I don’t believe acquiring strength is a linear progress, it’s noticeable that my mental strength has been waning a lot recently. The timing of this video popping up on my recommended list on Youtube was impecable, and it really spoke to me.

Amy Morin, the author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do (which I’ve yet to read!), shares her personal experiences with how she came to make the list of the bad mental habits people aspiring to become mentally stronger avoid. She begins by enumerating three destructive beliefs that hold us back:

1. Unhealthy beliefs about ourselves – Sometimes, we tend to feel sorry for ourselves, for our situations, for the cards life has dealt us. Mentally weak people (admittedly, I am one of them) sulk. They sulk, they throw pity-parties, they pity themselves and they struggle to move on. In moments like these, we see ourselves as failures, as the black sheep, and in a wrong manenr. When one drowns himself in self-pity, asking himself „Why me?!“, moving on from the situation, or even turning the situation into a better one, become impossible.

2. Unhealthy beliefs about others – We compare ourselves to those around us. Why do we do this? Either people are above us, or they’re below us, which is not a beneficial way of thinking at all. In doing so, we give away our power to control ourselves, thinking that other people can control us and our emotions.

3. Unhealthy beliefs about the world – We all know the world isn’t a fair place, but sometimes, we still expect it to be. It probably offers some sort of consolation in thinking, „If I do good deeds, I will receive good things.“ Unfortunately, that is not always the case, and if we stay adamant on this belief, then we’ll just keep getting disappointed. We work hard to become successful, but it’s important to remember that the world doesn’t owe us anything, not even success. There’s no direct relationship between the amount of effort you put into something and the amount of success you get.

Unhealthy beliefs about ourselves usually stem from being uncomfortable with our emotions, so we try to conceal it or to avoid it. That’s not helpful though, because the only way to deal with uncomfortable emotions is to feel them. Only in allowing yourself to feel them will you be able to go through them. They come about, because we compare. We constantly compare ourselves to others, and this is an important habit to break.

A good method to approaching discontentment with oneself is analyzing your situation when you’re not drowning in emotion, i.e. when you can think straight, and determining what things you can undertake to change your current situation and turn it into a situation that is pleasant to you, or one that makes you feel happy. One thing to note: Before you can change your world, you have to believe that you can change it. In taking little steps, in breaking those bad habits one by one, you’re overcoming mental barriers that prevent you from being stronger – mentally stronger.

Planning Long-Term.

It’s come to my attention that I fear long-term plans, or when something is still a while away. For instance, if there’s a party happening in a month, I will not make plans on attending, because I might end up not wanting to go. A lot of this, I reckon, is due to anxiety. Over the course of the past few years, I’ve cancelled so many plans or get-togethers, because the anxiety was too big. So instead of hurting people or offending party hosts in canceling last-minute, I learned to just never even plan on going in the first place.

This is something I actively want to change.

Now, I’m going to look for trail runs and similar things that are within the coming year and work towards them. Also, I will make long-term plans, such as going to a museum within the next month. And where I will spend Christmas. And what courses I plan on taking when. And maybe even joining a yoga course! (If I find one that’s not too expensive.) Not always wanting to do things but end up not doing anything because I never take them seriously.

It’s going to feel quite strange, I’m sure, planning for things that are not happening either today or tomorrow, but I truly think this will prove to be beneficial to me.

What?

This post will probably come off as humble-bragging, and you can choose to see it that way if you want, but my honest intention is far from it. As I was in the park today, taking the dog for a walk, I saw this guy who also usually hangs around at the park with his Whippet. Once, he even sat down next to me and accompanied me whilst the dogs played fetch. Since he’s seen me with my boyfriend a couple of times, I viewed it all as innocent.

Today though, he walked alongside me despite me saying bye twice, which I thought was just coincidence that we were heading the same direction. After about 15 minutes, he started speaking to me and to sum it all up, he wanted to ask me out - which I found BEYOND strange. Of course I instantly bring up the fact that I have a boyfriend, and his response? “Ya, I know.” What? This person, who was actually pretty nice, knew I was in a relationship, knew my boyfriend, has actually chatted with my boyfriend more often than he has with me, and still wanted to see if he could ask me out? Have I been out of the dating scene for so long, that I don’t know if this is normal? People in a relationship still being asked out?

I remember lying to random guys in clubs, claiming that I had a boyfriend when I didn’t, just so that they would leave me alone, and it’s always worked. Not this time though. He nods and says “Yeah” with an expectant look on his face. As if I would.. date someone behind my boyfriend’s back? Or even text or stay in contact being fully aware that it could easily turn into something malicious?

I’m so baffled by this. People seriously need to respect relationships more.

Maintaining a Household 101

Over my semester break, I’ve been spending a lot of time at my boyfriend’s place, since we live over 100 km apart. Frankly said, his apartment feels more like home to me than my own does, and hopefully we can move in together within the coming year, just so that things are less stressful and more financially beneficial.

Spending so much time here has allowed me to realize our differences when it comes to our living space. I love things tidy, I love things clean, I thoroughly enjoy doing the dishes, etc. In contrast, he does not like these things, which I’m sure many people can relate to, regardless of gender. So, for fun and sort of as a holiday project, I decided to tackle the kitchen first. Then the bathroom. And then I proceeded to other areas, but the kitchen was the one that called my attention first. Let me just tell ya, if you like frying foods frequently (ha, fancy this alliteration), then you should really wipe down all surfaces and all objects surrounding your stove regularly; the fat buildup all over is a pain in the butt to clean. Thankfully, I live for these things.

Aside from all the cleaning, I’ve also been very interested in the idea of having a good, clean-smelling home. No, I’m not talking about a no-bad-smell home, but a fresh-smelling one! Rachel Talbott’s Youtube videos have inspired me greatly in this aspect, and I keep rewatching them in hopes of eventually applying all of her tips to my current situation. Clearly, money is an issue when it comes to several kinds of essential oils, but I’m grateful that Tim supports me in every little endeavor. This afternoon, I scrubbed the kitchen shelves, washed the dishes, mixed together a wonderful, fresh combination of lavender and mint essential oils, scrubbed down the kitchen sink with salt and half a lemon, deep-cleaned the fridge aaaand yup! That’s about it.

All this passion I’ve developed for having a nice home is just getting me all hyped up for either a decent-sized apartment (aka not a studio) and making it my home. Simple, pretty, cozy.

Feeling so good about life right now! I’m pretty sure it’s cause of the lavender oil.

Ramble.

Anxiety paralyzes me.

Some days are worse than others, but when it’s bad, it’s terrible. My day (or several) shatters into pieces, attempts to sabotage my own relationship are made, my self-doubt skyrockets.

During times like these, I doubt. I doubt, I doubt, I doubt. Feelings of insecurity and uncertainty take over. I question what it is with my life I’m even doing, or why the cards I’m handed with suck, or if I’m even at the right place, or if I could be doing something better.

I look around me and see people doing great things, things I envy, things I admire, things I wish I could do but have no chance to. Some things, I’m able to make for myself, but some things I’m not able to. These are the things I have to live with, and most times, I’m okay with it, with myself. But on anxiety-struck days, I’m miles from it.

I wish there was a cure to anxiety, instead of just sitting indoors and waiting for it to pass. Of course I try other methods, like getting some sun or just reading a book alone in the park, or doing some athletic activity. That’s not always feasible though, and occasionally, the thought of leaving the house asphyxiates me.

So much doubt. So much pain, so many questions, so much anxiety.

Help.

Happy Birthday to Me!

As I’ve never been one for grand birthday celebrations, I wanted to get away from the pressure of having to celebrate my birthday with several people and spend money on the restaurant bill or whatever people who have mini-apartments do on birthdays. In exchange for that, I escaped away with my charming boyfriend and his agile Border Collie to the Harz mountain range for the weekend.

Originally, the plan was to drive over to the Dutch coast, as they are supposedly extremely dog-friendly in the Netherlands; however, I changed my mind last minute. The urge to spend my birthday surrounded by trees, lakes and the opportunity to hike was much greater. Sky, the Border Collie, would prefer to be in the woods than playing with other dogs anyway, I supposed. That being said, we had little time to prepare. Two days before leaving, Tim and I rushed over to our local hiking store and geared up on a tent, a mattress and an air pump. Everything else, we had at home. It’s just a little stressful being in a pretty long-distance relationship and having apartments so far apart, especially when it comes to packing for a joint trip. No stress, we managed.

To sum it all up, it was a beautiful three days. I couldn’t have imagined spending my birthday any other way! Our tent was so easy to set up, the weather was perfect, the location was spot-on - everything just worked out together so harmoniously, I’m left with my jaw open. For someone who’s pretty prone to unfortunate events, things working out well is a huge surprise, and a wonderful blessing. My boyfriend surprised me with my birthday present right upon waking up, and he said he’d planned out the route we’re hiking on my birthday. The Brocken peak was our goal - it was a total of 16+ km. The hike was long, the hike was hot, the hike was hard at parts, but the hike was so worth it.

A perfect day, and a perfect start into being 23.

#birthday #harz #brocken #wandern #hiking #nature

Booty gains?

Not much yet, but they're coming! I'm generally proud of my glutes in general, as I am half-Asian and have a genetic predisposition of having a flatter butt. Also, I'm very flat-chested and am very rectangular overall, which is why I'm even happier that I'm able to slowly build up the curve without storing more fat.

Speaking of gains or lack thereof, I weighed myself out of curiosity after breakfast and half a liter of water. I weigh 56.3 kg. The last time I weighed myself was a month or so ago, and I weighed just under 57 kg. Honestly, I cannot afford to eat "healthily" right now and cover all my caloric (and macro) needs, so there have been more pasta than vegetables, more chips than fruit, and also more beer because beer is good. As a result, I would think that I've gained a little and be lingering at mid-57 kg. Somehow I'm not? I don't like tracking my intake at all anymore, because it's honestly too much work and I don't care about it. Unfortunately, I'm somehow under-eating despite eating more than I normally do (?) and am just confused overall. Perhaps tracking is necessary for the meantime, just to make sure I'm eating enough. It's such a pain though, whyyyy. If I could afford it, I'd just eat a whole avocado a day but they're too damn expensive.

Today was a me day, something that was long overdue. It consisted of the following: - a run - organizing loose papers and bookshelf - sorting the kitchen out - finishing Wild - watching an episode of Sherlock - taking a nap - practicing yoga - doing a face mask - baking vegan muffins Lovely day. My heart is at peace. 🌱

Life’s Turning Up.

Or maybe, it wasn’t shitty in the first place, I was just in the wrong mindset.

Next week, I’m turning 23. My boyfriend, his dog and I are driving over to the Dutch coast, because apparently, the Dutch are really dog-friendly. As I have been converted into a massive dog junkie and as we are having Sky with us, I think it’s the perfect destination! We’re only staying for a couple of days though, because of responsibilities, but I think it’s fun to get away, even for a bit.

People are asking me what I want for my birthday and I honestly don’t know. It’s not even a phony-bashful “I don’t know..”; I genuinely have no clue. Stupidly enough, I even searched a couple of Youtube gift idea videos to maybe ignite a few ideas, but nope - nada. Since when did gift-giving become a forced tradition anyway?

Last week, I phoned one of my professors to find out how I did on my exam; he prefers phone calls, so as to discuss with his students directly what went wrong, if anything did. Nervously, I dialed. After the sixth attempt to reach him, he picked up and happily shared that I had one of the best results on that exam. Ecstasy ensued. Having a fantastic grade in an exam you thought you barely passed is something else, really. (But then again, I always have this unnerving feeling I fail every exam I take - but I never do. Self-confidence, I’m seeking you.)

The following day, I received an email from that same professor, informing me and a few other students that since we have the best grades, we are being offered a job opportunity at the university for the following semester. It involves conducting a tutorial that accompanies the main seminar with roughly around 20 students each. Thankfully, it works with my schedule, so I emailed him immediately that I was interested in taking up the offer. Thrilling, isn’t it? I get to teach a little bit, and in the course Introduction to Literary and Cultural Studies! I’m reaping the fruit of the seeds I’ve sown.

I’m just at a really good place in my life right now. I feel happy, blessed and I feel worth something. Lovely feeling. x

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