Marked as unread. Till now.

Whenever I think about *now*, now, and the great unknown, I feel happy to live and /die/ inside your imagination. Through here, if only for a glimpse.

[whichwaswhatwewanted]

I'm so sorry I couldn't be better

[whichwaswhatwewanted]

A note to a lad in Kingsford Smith

If you had told me two years ago as I was waiting for my trip in Kingsford Smith to Tullamarine of my present predicament, I would have laughed!

How come I was able to give up my oh-so-lovely work? Not in a million years, I would've said instinctively. But it happened anyways.

How come I was able to meet the people I have been so blessed to be with? Not a fair chance - I would've reckoned - I'm not their type and I'm usually not the cuppa they asked for (in other words, I'm still a nerd). But it happened anyways.

My old self back would've told you that he'd rather fight tooth and nail for a spot at the Sydney Mara (which made for your first 2025 heartbreak by the way, you git), and he'd rather fight hard too for some inamorata introduced to you. Or so he thought, until yours-truly kept asking pesky questions which changed your course the other way 'round.

If you had told me all the lovely stories and breakthroughs I've experienced hence, my old self would have been lost. How come?! Did I just lose my marbles and let myself gone for a bit? What about lovely Aussieland, the stuff of dreams?

You see, old self, this is redirection. God's plan. Everything.

Even that? Yes.

You see, God redirected you back to Him. And yes, your friend told you back then (when you chatted him unexpectedly otw to Tullamarine) that love does not need to be technical, love allows me to take risks, etc. But in this new you, the love you've received from Him made you become more intentional and genuine. Because of this, you've befriended a lot of people you tend to over-greet for some reason. In this new you, you'll get to know why you'll spend more time reading non-fiction advice book about facing marriages (in the context of God's wisdom through Scripture) rather than speed-run LOMA modules. Because of this, you'll get to know more people who will not be surprised of your annoyingly complex English command, yet will be surprised of your funny knacks. And most importantly, they will aid you in your growth. (And what a lovely word, growth.) There will be some heartbreaks along the way, but it's His love and grace that will help you overcome these.

Old self, thank you for holding out there. Not sure though if those warm hugs you've made over the next few days and weeks of your life counted - but as your new self, I'll make sure the next ones count. And it'll be the stuff of dreams.

God bless you, old self.

[whichwaswhatwewanted]

Poinsettia Climb, 31 seconds: That's all it took for me to complete the ascent. New record, but what else could I do after today?

The event before that. That event, before that.

I sense two buzzes from my phone, but my mind's on the climb. I've already anticipated the answer in my head. Safe, not much retort - but safe is safe. That's what matters, at least for now.

I breathe heavily after reaching. Strong effort, that. But that's not what I wanted to do.

I pant, since I could not cry, nor shout to the heavens. I pant because this is how I cry and shout to the unknown, to where you are.*

I reach home. I read the alerts, consciously. Then I dose myself with a loop of Lucky You. Lucky you, indeed. Lucky you.

*referencing Unknown by Lifehouse

[whichwaswhatwewanted]

New feeling, same theme: How /worse/ could my days get? But this is the thing: I'm meant to believe that things will eventually turn for the better. (See intermediate-value theorem, mean-value theorem, economic life cycles, karma, et cetera.)

But lucky (read: unlucky) enough for me, I keep on getting the short end of the stick. The shit stick. Heck, I'll even put a Salò-inspired metaphor if I wanted to, to describe this spot of bother/heck I'm in. But I won't, since it's as gross as one might imagine. Or not, I don't know.

I'd always imagine /next year/ (this year) would be my breakout year. But sadly, this year ain't one of them years. I'll have to take consolation of being barely alive for now. Barely alive, methinks and mehopes, will get me to /that/ breakout year.

Cheers.

[whichwaswhatwewanted]

"Bliss it was in that dawn to be alive!

But to be young was very heaven." (Wordsworth)

[whichwaswhatwewanted]

Most perseveringly yours.

As the local time (where I am now) approaches 2022 and festive cheers will ring out, I am once again (for the nth fucking time) reminded that I can’t have everything. I didn’t have everything this 2021 and it sucks bad. It sucks that COVID has impacted (and will impact) our country through our incompetent government, causing needless infections, comorbidities and deaths. It sucks that another year has passed without me realising my great dreams, but ‘tis okay for now, since we’ve known it was always odds against me. It sucks that another set of terrible work-thingies has happened to me, and thus emphasises the reasons why I want out at this moment, and want out real quick. It sucks that some of my so-called love interests have shut the door on me, and those add pain to my pain-riddled life. Then came cycling. First by the foldie bike, then the adventures. Then the gravel bike, and came more adventures. I rekindled a passion while getting some goodness-to-earth coffee and friendly meets and what-not. 

I set out myself goals in the middle and towards the end of the year I’m about to say goodbye, and some have been completed while some are in the way. I take these and cherish them, for there is no other alternative. 

I have been stuck in a rut for a lengthy time, but I am working feverishly to get out of it. 2022 will be great for me, hopefully. Most perseveringly yours.

[whichwaswhatwewanted]

I’m sort of back, but in little doses. Seeing Tumblr is an online capsule for most of my followers and I blinked, might as well check on them as well as mine. Things in motion, as I type this - but will let you know if I arrived at the place I want to be. G’luck self

[heavensghost]

[maturiin]

matt berninger one more second mv 

[whichwaswhatwewanted]

After a loooong while, I'm back!

Maybe I'll start off by writing to start the mood

[mrtykom]

[karpeter]

Keep calm, and play floorball

[vanineando-deactivated20200416]

[whichwaswhatwewanted]

Mark: “Fascinating. It’s like watching a sheep trying to use an iPhone.”

Current study mode. Hahaha!

[whichwaswhatwewanted]

Wahnsinn.

This past week, I have been getting into grips with almost every facet of the world which I am currently in. (Almost every, in a sense that would make this blog of mine dramatic - heh, it ought to work.) I've probably banged my head (almost always, religiously) a couple of times just to see and check if I'm not in trance mode. (Last time I've checked, I wasn't.) The problems, challenges, and tear-jerking periods brought about by reminiscence - were still there. When reminiscing these, I felt quite appalled and disgusted and aghast that I've let myself be rearranged like cricket bails and stumps after a nasty bowl (full and straight, take note). I've let them win over me, exploit me and leave me over for nought and/or an empty breeze of emotion. 

It was in this week that while I was finding for an ounce of strength/inspiration/whatever to rally myself on, the gears and pinions of this great machine cranked up what I badly needed - the machine being the institution, UP. While being succulently battered and fucked up by the world, UP was hurrying me to push myself beyond my bounds and possibly all bounds again and again, with every subject supposedly tearing me apart with their requirements and realizations. You could say these were the perfect distractions - the so-called metaphorical wound-licking, but to me, they were the reasons why I needed to push. A degree, an extra ounce of motivation to carry on with my life, and maybe more than that. UP had done this before with me many years back, now UP wanted to mold me again into this person I've idealized.

So I'll rise up to the challenge, UP. I'll tear apart every unnecessary and wasteful thing that stands between me and that very ideal which has evaded me for so long. I'll count by God's guidance, your tutelage, and kind words and deeds from my family and friends - and will make it through this comatose-like condition I've been in.

Bring it on. Here I come, I guaran-damn-tee you that.

[doctorwho]

Updated details have been released for the South Korean leg of Doctor Who: The World Tour.

More than 1000 fans in Seoul will now have the chance to attend a fan event and watch the first episode of the latest season of Doctor Who, in a new venue for the World Tour’s South Korean leg.

The fan event will now take place on August 9 at the Grand Ballroom at 63 Building in Seoul.

Fans will be able to buy tickets to the event which will include an appearance by the new Doctor, played by Peter Capaldi, and his on-screen companion, played by Jenna Coleman.

Tickets go on sale on Friday 25 July at 9am (KST). Fans will be able to purchase online from yes24.com . Tickets are priced at 15,000 and 12,000 KRW.

"Fans are at the heart of everything we do. We have listened to and taken our fans advice", said Soojin Chung, GM, BBC Worldwide Korea. "The new venue will allow many more fans to participate in the fan event and the contests we have planned will allow as many Doctor Who fans as possible to get their hands on tickets –whether they are in Seoul or not."

For more information, click here.

[doctorwho]

In case you missed it!

[whichwaswhatwewanted]

Magnum Opus

I wanna write. I want to write about the things that have been bothering me for the past few nights or so. Certainly, I have been trying to distract myself from it by guessing the odds of, well, us being together. This, while the other half of me worries about the actual outcome. The outcome that I have been well-versed in, the dichotomy. I suppose you know all too well the scenario: The one choke-y guy, and you. Between you and me are the tens and hundreds and thousands of words, and along with it the stories that we tell to each other. But a little reclusive (almost hesitant, in a way) you are - and a little weird, I may be to you. Yet, you passed the Test - a mere diagnostic to indications of interest in me. I even started to engage in flirting (the safe flirting) as confidence brewed in me. But then, I started to fill in the role as the choker. Little by little, the cracks began to show in me. And maybe in you as well. I could not understand but I could not help it either. I was the outside-odds, even at best. I want to write, because I want to get rid of these feelings of anxiety - the feelings that are crippling my confidence. Yes, I think to be a long shot for you, but I'd love to share my life with you. All the adventures and experiences, highs and lows, high-octane moments and calming ones - yes, I do want to spend them all with you. As I write this, I think about today's lost opportunity to see you. My life wants to hold me by the scruff of the neck and go for it, but I cannot. And I have not. And I'm sorry for that. I want to write to tell you how much I wanted to see you today. Happy birthday.

[whichwaswhatwewanted]

Fuck you, doves!