Field Notes : U a hoe

Writing, Creating, and a place for mind dumps, nothing to niche or specific

[mylittleteenageideas]

i 💘 trinket dishes

[whopnowah]

Finding Happiness...

Finding Myself: Part 2/?

What makes me happy and how can I bring more of it into my life? I know the things that fill the boredom and entertain me enough to pass the time, but not things that make me truly happy. Even the things I 'like' don't make me 'happy', they just pass the time and help me feel more productive. I can list the moments where I felt truly happy and optimistic and full of joy, but those moments are locked away in the past and cannot easily be recreated. For instance, the first time my son called me "mama" cannot be recreated, and even though I feel love and joy each time he says those words, it doesn't seem to compare to the sheer amount of happiness I felt in that moment. That doesn't mean that every other time is of any less value or doesn't make me happy, it's just different.

The day I went to Oceans of Fun with my s/o was one of the happiest days of my life, and even if we went back I know I would enjoy myself and love spending time with him, but I'm not sure it would measure up to how special the first time was. I suppose to me, finding what makes me happy, has always been this chase for extreme happy moments, rather then the smaller every day moments. I always asked myself 'how can I recreate that feeling when I know doing the same thing won't compare to the first?' and as I type this I realize that I can't. That's a little sad to be honest, but understandable, because those special moments wouldn't be so special if I could just recreate them over and over again.

Being with my son, my mom, my family, the love of my life, whether all at once or individually or some mix, those times always make me happy. During tax season (my second job: preparing taxes) I work from 7am to 6pm, sleep from 10pm to 6am, and this leaves about 3 to 4 hours that I can spend with my son. I am very much looking forward to my days off after tax season closes and I can spend a full day with him. There are lots of moments that I'm looking forward to actually: being with my partner after not seeing him for over 6 months, the day I finish my delivery route in under 6 hours (about 8 1/2 hrs right now), the day my younger sister graduates high school, becoming financially stable and buying my own car, and so on. But the main question wasn't about special moments, it's about finding what makes me happy and bringing more of it into my life. And as I ramble on and organize my thoughts, I honestly don't know the answer, and it makes me a bit sad that I can't answer what should be a simple question. Will I ever find a definitive happiness that I can create or find every day, or am I always going to be chasing that feeling and reflecting on moments past? I don't know, but I'm open to the possibility.

Maybe my search didn't even begin until this very moment, maybe I'll find it tonight, tomorrow, in a year or ten. The point is that I won't easily give up, that I'll open myself up to the possibilities, and that if I find it it will open up a whole different adventure.

[complextheories]

My desire to be whimsical and happy and my intense political rage are constantly at war within me

[whopnowah]

Identity: the fact of being who or what a person or thing is.

Finding myself: Part 1 of ?

If you asked me who I am, I wouldn't take it as the loaded question it so obviously is, but immediately, almost automatically, give you my name. If you asked me the same question after my initial answer, I'd tell you where I lived, my job, my family, maybe some things that interest me, but it all feels surface level. I don't want to delve into the whole psychology of "do we ever truly know ourselves", though I'm sure I will at some point.

I can answer the basic questions, such as what's my favorite color/movie/book, what are things I like and don't like, and so on. But if you asked me "who are you?" I don't think I could tell you, not because there would be too much to tell, but because I don't really know myself. I know the answers people want to hear or expect to hear, but if I were truly honest, I know it would make people uncomfortable, weirded out, or worse: I'm boring.

I really envy those who not only seem to know where they're going, but where they have been and what it means to them. The people who have passions, interests that don't go away, or know what to expect out of their life. To be honest I never expected to be the age I am now, with a 18 month old, navigating adulthood, the various relationships, and that I am expected to be someone with answers when I don't even know the questions.

All this to say that I want to be comfortable about myself, be confident in what and who I am, and then maybe that will help me become a more stable adult (finances, responsibilities, etc.), or maybe it won't, but maybe by understanding who I am, then I can tackle things head on with confidence.

I feel like if I can also just dump out all the thoughts and ramblings inside my head, or at least organize them in some fashion, then I won't feel so scrambled, which I very much feel like right now.

To start off, I think I'll start with the basics, likes/dislikes and so on, and then move on to deeper questions, before beginning shadow work. Kind of like a slow progression into the deeper parts of my mind and memories, because to be honest, I'm not even sure I'll like what I find. Hopefully, if I find out anything about myself that I don't like, then I can improve those qualities about myself.

[whopnowah]

Introduction...of sorts

I'm not new to tumblr but I haven't been here in quite some time. I used to use it for the things I hyper fixate on but tbh I haven't hyper or even regular fixated on much of anything, sad I know, and while somethings have changed, I feel pretty confident that I'll get the hang of things quickly.

Anyways,

Right now I plan to use this little corner of the internet to 'find myself' ~gag~ but I'm almost 30 so I figured that I might as well try to mature myself, figure out if I actually have a personality or just mimicking those around me, and a place to dump my writings.

Also, 229 days till I'm 30.

[whopnowah]

Hello? Is this thing on?