Why We're Single @whysingle-blog - Tumblr Blog

IT's OFFICIAL!

Big WWS news for those of you who haven't given up on me! The official launch date for "CATCH 25: why we're single" will be MAY 1st, 2011. The new blog will be hosted by Blogger but check back to this page and I will provide a link to make the transition easy-peasy. From May 1st onward new posts will appear Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and it isn't too soon for you guys to start sending me your submissions (anonymous or not - your call!). I am super excited and thank you all for your support*.

xxx e.k.

* "support" from my closer friends has come in the form of rage-full scary threats pertaining to my irregular posts, but that still counts. Fear is an excellent motivator.

i should shower more.

dry shampoo overdose. i look like marie antoinette. this is why i'm single.

- e.k.

#e.k.

our immune systems are why we're single. and maybe also our over-use of descriptive imagery.

friend: i am sick.

e.k.: shit! sore throat and evil sniffles? feels like you swallowed a hedgehog and have been snorting drugs for 8 consecutive days? (which i have not FYI)

friend: oh no. oh yes. that's the one exactly. also like the hedgehog crawled behind my eyes kinda. you too???

e.k.: yes! and then it had babies!!!

d.d.: (joins conversation): you two are in for quite the unwell ride... not only did i feel those things when i was sick but i also felt like my body had been tazed and a tijuana prostitute stole my voice box.

friend: well. that sounds like my worst nightmare and i am scared.

#e.k.#friend #d.d.

no boys allowed

from d.d. to e.k, 11-03-12 10:45 AM, via iPhone

"uggghhh i got home at 5 am may or may not have brought a guy home and then told him to leave bc i wanted to spoon with my girlfriend lol and he was cute fml THAT is why im single."

- d.d.

this message almost made up for the fact that she wouldn't come for three dollar breakfast mimosas with me. who says no to three dollar mimosas?! one might argue that this lack of reason is actually why she's single. just saying.

- e.k.

#e.k.#d.d #shesaid

i love you. (seriously, YOU. like, the 'you' reading this)

Due to the limiting nature of tumblr I assumed that only a teeny-tiny handful of my nearest and dearest ever read Why We're Single. The recent abundance of disgruntled messages that I've received since I began posting infrequently is suggesting otherwise. Not only do I owe you an apology, I realize that you glorious people deserve to be kept in the loop. Yes, I have been a slacker. Yes, I am deeply sorry.

But exciting(ish) new things are in the works. During this pseudo hiatus I have actually been in the process of brainstorming how to improve WWS. I originally chose tumblr because I am tragically technologically challenged and it was the least daunting platform. Sadly I have since realized that while it's great for 'microblogging' (a real word! I was shocked too), it doesn't allow for the level of accessibility and reader interaction that WWS needs. To break it down: I want to know who's reading my blog, I want to enable more reader feedback, and I don't want it to be so fucking impossible to find us in a Google search. As of right now anyone who attempts to find it based on word of mouth without the actual link winds up at a lesser blog that i don't want people thinking is mine isn't mine. So I busted out the big guns, swallowed my pride and decided that being technologically inept is no excuse for sulking in a dark internet corner. What's that supposed to mean, you ask? Well, if you frequent the Yonge-University subway line at rush hour on weekdays you may spot me; I'm the frazzled looking girl attempting to deeply immerse herself in a copy of 'Blogging for Dummies' (no joke) while simultaniously trying to sheild the cover in a pathetic attempt to salvage what is left of her dignity.

So be patient with me. Keep checking in, because I will be making an effort to continue posting regularly during whatever changes I decide to make. Feel free to send any ideas or constructive criticism you have my way at [email protected] because I can and will use all the help that I can get. Sincerely and adoringly yours,

- e.k.

#ek #shesaid

why i adore her/why she's single

"Why am I always hungry for nachos no matter the time or day?"

- Friend.

Spoken while making nachos a mere 24 hours after giving herself a third degree oven burn (nacho related).

#friend #shesaid

will cook for shoes

NOTE TO SELF: canned tofu chili is not a substitute for pasta sauce. even with fresh parm.

(totally why i'm single.)

-e.k.

#e.k.#shesaid

the time we ate all the food (alternate title: we're fucking brilliant)

the theme of this past weekend was food.

friend, another friend and i decided to have a girls night in. we gave this ample thought and gathered all necessities: grimy clothes, comfy couch, marie antoinette on dvd and food. we got a bit carried away with the food; roughly a dozen macadamia nut cookies, 6 decadent cupcakes, chips and homemade dip (turns out not so homemade, according to other friend the packet of dip 'came with the bowl' but that didn't make it any less delicious), three take out orders of vietnamese, limoncello cocktails and half a ham sandwich. we examined the spread seriously then decided that since we obviously had to eat all the food (obviously) we would have to come up with a brilliant plan to expand our stomachs to handle such decadence. what would enable us to munch out blindly until all food in sight was consumed? the answer was herbally clear. we had to get high. genius.

and we did eat all the food. literally, ALL the food. when the dip ran out i even smeared left over gobs of cupcake icing on my chips. we saved the ham sandwich for last and passed it around reverently wishing that there was more than just a half. i am still dreaming about that glorious sandwich.

at some point it occurred to us in a fit of giggles that there are a lot of girls out there who avoid getting stoned because they are concerned about the caloric consequences, whereas we are so intent on avoiding leftovers that we do it as a purposeful solution to turn ourselves into bottomless pits. friend says that there is "still red velvet cupcake evidence all the fuck over my coffee table". a sign of success, if you will. bravo us. bravo.

this is why we're single amazing. line up boys.

- e.k.

#friend #shesaid #e.k.

a sauvignon emergency.

I'm sitting on the subway, predrinking nervously for my date. Warm white wine in the Nalgene - I'm all class.

I'm predrinking not because I'm nervous for the date part, but because I'm nervous for the who it's with part. Apparently some switch got dislodged in my brain recently, and I decided that it would be a good idea to start dating a very good old friend. My only defence is that the same switch also seems to have dislodged in his brain, as he was the one who casually asked me out after not so casually making out with me at a party. But seriously - aren't you supposed to get to know people on a first date? I know everything about him already. And that is NOT an advantage. Oh - a point I forgot to mention. Whilst nervously commuting to said date (from school), I am also haphazardly trying to complete an assignment with an imminent due date. Whilst predrinking, yes, and concurrently while writing this. And yes, that means I brought wine to school to predrink with. Hence why it's warm. So currently my life consists of dual anxiety regarding the date and assignment, combined with confusion about friend-dating protocol. Toss in a mild concern that I might not get drunk enough to combat awkward silences, and a much bigger concern that I might in fact get too drunk and accidentally sleep with my (very good looking) good old friend. Basically this situation is what I like to call a "sauvignon emergency." What - so I've been known to solo predrink for dates, okay? Why am I single? PS: I'm also double fisting a coffee because I've been up since 6AM doing this assignment and it's STILL NOT DONE. PPS: worried about the protocol again - do you go in for a hello hug or a makeout? Double-kiss? Wave? Handshake? Huh? - Jane Doe

#jane doe #shesaid

sensory overload (i thought this might be funny but it's mostly just sad)

disregard my last post. fuck writing about valentines day, i'm over it. i'd much rather write about my most recent misadventure. not because it's good reading, but because right now blogging is the only form of therapy i can afford, and right now, i need some damn therapy.

so i mentioned my new job not too long ago. turns out it's great. unfortunately we became short one other assistant on my third day, and now i have her workload which means that i am learning two new jobs rather than just the one and i am frazzled as shit.

a bit of background info about me: i have a pattern of taking on much more than i can shoulder, paired with a fear of ever making a mistake and a crippling need to have everyone like me. under too much pressure, i shut down, meltdown, become braindead and sink into a pit of insecurity, self loathing and self sabotage. in an attempt to avoid this downward spiral i have learned to pick up on the warning signs telling me that i need to take a step back and regroup.

all signs were present leading up to yesterday but i didn't take time to step back because i didn't have time to step back and i kept pushing forward and then a technological hiccup in our system at work impaired my ability to do my job effectively or at all really and i panicked but managed to hide that fact (i hope), then i ended up having to work through my lunch and i am a little on the hypoglycemic side and by the time i stumbled out of the office i had unconsciously hit a brick wall.

scenario: busy toronto intersection at rush hour. people bustling, pushing, talking, streetcars, cabs sirens etc... and i was in sensory overload. lights were brighter, noises more piercing, people all seemed menacing. the world was closing in on me. and then the pigeon happened. he appeared from nowhere, and all reason (what was left of it) went out the window. in weak defense to my sanity, that pigeon was clearly not right in the head (who am i to judge) and i remain convinced that he meant to do me harm. it was the last straw. i fled - quite literally - and hid in an alley for a good half hour. dry sobs, shaking, snot and tears. real cute. when i finally emerged tentatively, glassy eyed and stunned, i had to call someone to come collect me. i was fetal and unresponsive for a good hour.

all because of this pattern. taking on too much. not knowing my limits. afraid of criticism and failure. all because i am so damn sensitive. is this just a girl thing? is this part of a quarter-life crisis? is this why i'm single?!? i don't want to be weak or vulnerable. i want to be competent and strong, but i don't back off when i should and i choose to believe people when they remind me that i am very strong and capable and say 'you can do this! you know you can' over my own good sense. know what? sometimes i can't.

i ran from a fucking pigeon.

- e.k.

valentinesday/bloggerfail

it would make sense for a blog called "why we're single" to have run some sort of feature on valentines day, maybe even a countdown leading up to it. but this particular bloggess is a scattered disastrous mental mess (er...why i'm single?!?) right now and despite my brilliant plans and best efforts i failed. i really did have a few things lined up though i swear, and to prove it i am going to post some of them anyways. better late than never. i am not, however, going to talk about how i spent valentines day this year. you're better off not knowing, trust me.

- e.k.

#e.k.#shesaid

high stress solution(?)/rating scale

I'm currently working in a job I really can't stand. Some days it feels like sandpaper rubbed against my skin would be more enjoyable. I started taking up yoga practice this year to help with my stress levels, except I kept forgetting to be calm at work. So when I felt like I was going to lose it, I would politely excuse myself to the restroom and do a handstand. Its a lot harder to cry when you're upside down, something about gravity? It feels like a reset button.

Thing is, once I realized how well this worked, I started to do it more often. I now measure my stress level in # of handstands. Me: "it was a 3 handstand day and I still feel like I need to have wine for dinner"... thats when you know its been a long week.

Good outcome: my handstands are doing really great. Bad outcome: people probably think I have some type of bladder issue.

- anonymous

(this is quite possibly why she's single, but i think she's maybe on to something? with my luck gravity would fail me as a) i would probably cry anyways causing an upside down mascara mess, b) my nose always runs when i cry so i would get snot in my eyes which would most assuredly lead to pink eye, c) i would fall, and d) someone would walk in on me and witness all of the above.) - e.k.

#e.k.#anonymous #shesaid

fuck you polycom (alternate title: snarling beast face win)

i just got a promotion(ish) at work and my brain is fried and overflowing from new learnings and that is my excellent excuse for not posting in a while. on the upside i have been embarassing myself left right and center and i fully intend to share my sad stories so you can't be mad at me. here comes one right now.

so one of my new tasks at work is setting up video conference meetings for our executives on our high tech fancy 'polycom' (i am assured that it's a simple process but anything that involves more than two remotes can't possibly be easy, so i remain skeptical).

anyways.

one of the executive assistants was walking me through the steps, so far so good, when lo and behold our images appeared on the big screen, as did those of the assistants setting up the conference from the u.k. office. they looked lovely. i did NOT. my loose boho braid that had seemed like such a good idea that morning looked lank. my face was strangely shaped and my skin was sallow. my pretty wedges made me tower over my petite coworker and ISN'T BLACK SUPPOSED TO BE SLIMMING?! (before those of you who know me leap through your computer screen to smack sense into me let me state that i am well aware that i am anything but overweight. if anything i tend to be on the scrawny side, but at that moment, on that screen, thanks to that evil camera, i looked like a lumpy beast). i wish that was the worst of it. unfortunately the moment my image appeared in high def my posture went to complete shit as i instinctively cowered in horror. i broke out in a sweat and couldn't for the life of me figure out what to do with my arms, hands, legs, feet. the evidence of my discomfort stared at me in real time as i watched myself struggle in vain to establish a stance that made me look self assured and nonchalant.

arms crossed - no, arms behind back - no, shuffle feet - oh god stop doing that, tilt head - what am i a dog?! bend slighty to match jen's height - fuck i look like a hunchback, did i try arms crossed? oh god stop moving! what are you doing with your face?! stop panicking you moron oh god why can't you just stop being so fucking awkward!!!!!

i watched as i failed.

i am camera shy at the best of times but this is to be part of my job, i can't escape it, and i am a professional goddamnit. that said i am already dreading having to dress for the brief moment each day when i will be faced with this horrible situation, this nightmare, this corporate conferencing video polycom from hell. luckily from trauma came an epiphany: unflattering cameras and high definition are self esteem rapists - and without self esteem we can't project confidence and everyone knows that guys are attracted to confidence (i think??) and this is why we're single.

p.s. i have been brainstorming solutions to this polycom issue. my best idea so far? i'll just wear a mask. everyone looks awesome in masks. also, and i don't know this from experience (yet) but i bet it's hard to feel insecure and vulnerable wearing a snarling beast face. bonus points for a furry one, because fur is making a serious comeback. stylish, professional, fierce. best idea ever.f

p.s. #2: relax PETA, i buy vintage.

- e.k.

a simple 'thank you' would have sufficed. maybe.

I'm having a bad day.

Do you ever have those days when you’re continuously complimented on how you look? One may take this as a huge compliment…. But not me. Not at all. Doesn’t the fact that even my prof made a point of hopping on the bandwagon to tell me I look nice today say something about my appearance every other day?!

I think I need to step up my game.

To add insult to injury, I was riding home tonight on the TTC with about 10 other classmates, one girl - I shit you not - stops everyone mid conversation and says "Guys, can I just point out how nice her (read: my) hair looks today."

Thanks everyone, thanks a lot. way to put that nail in the coffin. And the worst part of it all; I looked way too good today not to be seen by a cute boy.

- Anonymous

my two cents (for the boys):

i can't count the number of times i have been told to 'learn to take a compliment'. but compliments aren't always positive. sometimes they are disguised criticisms or challenges. to be reasonable maybe girls just see it that way because we are prone to being insecure, over-analytical and hyper-sensitive (but who can blame us when there is so much pressure to be fucking perfect all the time). it sucks, but it's also hard on the guy or 'complimenter' because he probably did just mean to say something nice without any subtext, maybe he was being perfectly sincere! then he gets all baffled and hurt and confused when we get all bristly and defensive and he gets so exhausted trying to keep up that he just concludes that we are crazy and makes a point of never complimenting us again which makes us even more insecure. and really, who can expect a nice boy to tolerate such a roller-coaster of emotions (that really isn't even our fault because it loops back to their being so much pressure on us)? it becomes a horrible cycle of evil and this is why we're single.

- e.k.

#anonymous #e.k.#shesaid

none the wiser

i closed my head in a closet door the other day.

that doesn't even make sense right? hear me out.

you have to give the door in my hall closet a good slam to make it latch. i had just finished rooting around for god knows what and was preparing to turn away when i noticed that a good blouse had fallen off the hanger. i impulsively ducked back in to retrieve it in the same split second that another part of my brain gave the command for my arm to swing the door shut. hard. my head got in the way.

the real kicker is that this isn't the first time i've done this. nope, it's actually the third.

clearly i have difficulty learning from past mistakes - even when the conseqences include pain, facial bruising, and bags of frozen peas. this is why i'm single.

- e.k.

#shesaid #e.k.

sucker for punishment

i suspect that i am not the only girl who gets a strange thrill out of learning all about a new guy's ex(s). i'm not a jealous person - if anything it makes me a little smug, because he's not with her/them anymore is he? nope, he's with me. plus you'd think it would be advantageous to learn just what he didn't like about her/them, and why it didn't work out. but in most cases (in my experience), no matter who the guy is, no matter how long they dated etc, his explanation usually boils down to her being irrational, needy, demanding, controlling, "crazy" or all of the above.

that makes it easy though, right? that means all i have to do to remain this fellow's number one is to never appear irrational, needy, demanding, controlling, "crazy" or all of the above.

er...right.

SO ANSWER ME THIS GUYS!!:

is it better to be upfront with you and tell you what we want/need/think we deserve and risk appearing demanding or needy etc?

would you rather we do that "girl thing" where we get all stand-offish and drop hints as to why we're displeased, then get annoyed when you're too thick to pick up on the cues?

because this kind of question turns into a chicken-egg thing where trying not to seem crazy makes us behave strangely which makes us over-analyze which eventually drives us legit crazy. you are setting us up to fail here! or maybe we are setting ourselves up to fail? or... wait, fuck. maybe i just need to stop asking new boys about ex-girls. orrrrr maybe i should just give in to my inevitable fate and stay single forever. because my brain hurts.

- e.k.

#e.k.#shesaid

morning carnage

actual txt message i sent to my boss this morning:

2011-01-28 8:10 AM

stepped in freshly mangled dead bird. running ten behind. had to stop at coffee shop to clean carnage boot. sorry.

i'm not suggesting that i am single strictly because this work week decided to throw me one last fuck you chance dealt me a bad hand. i mean, that could happen to anyone. unfortunately before i gave in to the inevitable fact that i would need soap, water and a cast iron stomach to clean the mess i reacted rashly in an attempt to dislodge the entrails and began doing this bizarre electric slide/stomp dance thing in a snowbank directly outside davisville station. with my luck it's already on youtube. that 'dance' most definately has something to do with why i'm single.

r.i.p. dead bird. but also kind of fuck you.

- e.k.

#e.k.#shesaid

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