text i wrote for therapy:
when creating a show its usual to create a show bible, where all refernces and ideas a character is supposed to convey are written down. often i feel like i'm simply a shell for all the media i stumbled upon at an early age. when thinking i have to ask myself if i’m really thinking for my own or simply reiterating what tv taught me. thus when i rewatch those movies i feel as empty and avoidant of an identity one can feel.
my parents never really let me into their culture; they always kept their culture hidden. i never had a guidance in confronting what i am, never had the support of being part of something bigger than myself when finding out who i am also meant feeling empty.
i truly envy nationalists. even though their sense of self is massive cope, they atleast have an outlook on life. if they were born white, they act white, they are white. me on the other hand am just a copy of books, films and poetry the internet told me makes me deep and interesting. perhaps my real parents are random users on the internet, which made reading elfriede jelinek at 13 an integral part of understanding me.
