but i swear you&#x27;ll be blessed

"Well your mother was right to be confused. I don’t understand why any one would want to have holes in their jeans. And before you say anything yes I know saying that makes me sound old." He chuckled as William plucked at his sweater. "I at least try to fix them and don’t buy them like that." He teased.

"They were boring, but it was nice to see people so happy." He shrugged. He knew William wasn’t religious and he hadn’t been either. He just liked seeing people happy and people were usually happy at weddings. "I am happy, I never said I wasn’t." Declan responded looking down at their hands. "I am happy and worried..You can be both." He knew William was happy, or he hoped he was some of the time. He tried to be a reason William could be happy… It was probably not the time for this conversation though, so like always they dropped it. "Alright." Declan said giving up. He knew that William was just trying to let him be his own person, make his own decisions..but Declan wanted to do what William wanted. If William wanted him to be awake when he got home so he could comfort him, then he’d be there..But he may just go to bed. William probably wouldn’t want to talk about it anyways. "You should probably go soon. Don’t want to be late. Your mother sounds like the kind of woman who wouldn’t let you forget it." He gave a small chuckle, trying to lighten the mood.

#gif:declan #sorry it took so long #i've had a busy work week

"She often is." Whether or not that was true was up for debate but it was comforting to think so. "Haven't you ever heard of grunge? I hear it's all the rage in the states. Everyone's got holes in their jeans." William had been to New York several times, and he quite liked it, but he hadn't been to the US in years. Anything he had heard about gunge was from passerby's and he was out of the age range, at least he believed so, but it was still fun to toy with Declan. It wasn't as though the older man had the fashion know how to prove him wrong. "But, you know, it's so much more attractive for you to have tears in your pants. It reminds me that you're a hard worker."

William nodded, "Well, I'd say that happiness is all that matters. Happy marriage, happy lives... it's a good feeling to have." He stopped as Declan announced his own happiness. "I know, but it makes me sad when you're worried... I'm not going anywhere, not if I can help it..."

He hung his head down for a moment, letting himself absorb what Declan had said. "You're not wrong, she probably wouldn't." William sighed as he brought his chin up and looked into Declan's eyes, "I'll tell you what, if you're tired then go to sleep. If I come home and I need someone to talk to then I'll wake you up." William could tell that Declan wanted to do whatever he asked of him but there was no way he could predict how his parents would react so he didn't know what state he'd be in when he left their house. "I know that you're just looking out for me but I don't know what I need right now."

Fall To Pieces - William & Declan

"Oh good, I hope it is just a plain one. Not big on patterns." Declan grinned at William’s announcement of his mother’s most likely Christmas gift. Declan loved sweaters, he loved getting them as presents too. "you know I love wearing sweaters."

"Hm weddings? Just a handful. I had my own, then some friends of Mary’s, and then some of her siblings." He muttered thinking of the weddings he’s been to. Nothing super nice or special. "Most of them were long catholic masses then we’d have dinner and maybe some dancing. More often not. A lot of pageantry, a lot of standing and kneeling.

Declan didn’t make any sort of recognition at William’s harsh words besides looking away. He knew how William felt about his worries, but wouldn’t stop though. He couldn’t stop. William was his heart, he couldn’t lose him. “It’s part of the job description for being in love with someone. You are happy when they’re happy, Sad when they’re sad, and you worry when they’re ill. If I was ill you’d worry about be.” He squeezed his hand back, but didn’t say anything after that. He knew why William didn’t like him worrying, that burden idea. They had fought over it before.. every time it broke Declan’s heart. He just wanted to shake him, tell him. He’ll always be worried. Just accept it already!

"Alright we won’t discuss it." He sat up a little straighter. He wasn’t mad at William. Just a little annoyed. A lot of things were, "not tonight," "we’ll talk about it later." He couldn’t stay mad at him though. He knew it was the stress of the night. He reached a hand over stroking his hair gently around his face. "Can I stay up for you? Or would you rather me go to bed?"

#para:declan #i have no excuses #i am so sorry it's taken me so long to reply

William gave Declan's comment little thought before responding, "I'm sure it'll be nice." While people were perfectly capable of buying their own clothes, even going as far as trying to preserve the ones that should have been thrown away, his mother had always had a good eye for them. William gave a reassuring smile before continuing, "I wouldn't worry about it too much." Despite their minimal age gap of only a decade, he knew that his mom would have just wanted to take care of Declan, as she would have wanted to take care of anyone that her sons loved. The idea of Declan wearing raggedy clothes would not appeal to his mom. William's smile grew into a grin, "One year, it took me a full holiday to convince my mum that my jeans were meant to have holes in them. I ended up never wearing them again. So, don't expect to get off easy." He playfully plucked at Declan's sweater as he spoke.

He crinkled his nose as Declan went on to describe the weddings he had attended. "Sounds a bit dreadful." Admitted William as he looked away. "I mean, beautiful... of course, but terribly boring." The last thing he wanted was for someone to think he was being disrespectful but he hadn't followed religion as closely as others in his family had. It was possibly a bigger rift between them than his sexuality. "I'm sure they were all special in their own way."

Arguing was not on his list of things he wanted to do that night so he tried his best to nip the topic in the bud, "Well, I'm happy." William squeezed his hand back, "Shouldn't you be happy then?." As hard as it may have been for Declan, or anyone, to believe him, he wasn't lying.. There were things about his life that depressed him but he had someone to love and they loved him back. A lot of people, especially in his condition, couldn't say the same.

William could tell that his words had rubbed Declan the wrong way. He knew there was a risk when he spoke them. It was difficult to balance not wanting to be considered helpless while also trying to get people to understand that he could only handle so much at once. As much as he hated to admit it, he wasn't invincible. "I'd rather you do whatever you like." It wasn't much of an answer but he was tired of telling Declan what to do. "If you want to stay up then I'm not going to stop you. Just know that it might be a pretty late night."

Fall To Pieces - William & Declan

"No I said if I couldn’t fix the hole in the sleeve I’d throw it out. But I fixed it." Declan responded rolling his eyes playfully. He knew William was just teasing this time. They had talked about it in the past, his hoarding tendencies. He just didn’t see why if something could be fixed, be perfect finely, he should throw it away. It went for everything, clothes, trinkets. He had actually thrown a decent about out when they moved in together, even more when they moved up here. William didn’t get it.. He didn’t expect him too. He was about fashion, looking nice. Declan didn’t get any of that himself.

He grinned patting his own stomach playfully. “Don’t worry I won’t.” He winked before their talk changed to the paper. He liked hearing about Kenmare from William’s perspective. He knew these people, the real stories behind the stories. He chuckled as William talked about the cat. “Maybe it is the same cat. Just very very old.” He mused, just being contrary. “Weddings are nice. It’s nice to see everyone so happy.” He muttered. His and Mary’s had been nice, small, more for her than for him. Just the family and some of Mary’s friends. They had been so young, they had no idea what they were doing. It was funny, now Declan was old, and he did had no idea what he was doing.

"I know you will. I just worry more than necessary. You know that." He nudged him slightly, still smiling. Declan was a worrier. How could he not be? William was wasting away in front of him.. "She’s a mother, it’s part of her job to worry about her boys. Like it’s mine to worry about you." He joked, taking his hand from around his shoulders, taking William’s hand in him own. "Speaking of your parents. We still need to have that house warming party we mentioned to Ava. Do you want to see how tonight goes and see if it’s still something we may want to do?" He was still nervous about the party idea. Strangers in their home, well strangers to him, critiquing their life, judging them. It just made him uncomfortable.

"Oh." His eyes lit up as he resisted the urge to mock Declan. "I see, well, it's a good thing you fixed that hole." He refused to let his mind wander at the moment, but in the past he had been thankful for Declan's excessive need to repair everything. William knew that he was a person, and that it was wrong to compare himself to a lamp or a VCR, but there was comfort in knowing that Declan would rather fix something than throw it out. Declan couldn't heal William but at least he didn't leave him just because he was broken. William couldn't imagine any of his previous relationships sticking around. He wasn't sure if he would have blamed them for running, but he was glad that Declan had stayed. "I wouldn't get too attached." He chuckled, "My mum might gift you a new sweater for Christmas. And she will expect to see you in it."

William held back a humored laugh, "If it's the same cat then it must be reaching its ninth life by now." Mrs. Killian must have only been in her fifties when he was a child and yet he always thought of her as so much older. He didn't say anything about it to Declan though. Even though he was only a kid at the time, it didn't seem right to bring up how ancient he used to think Mrs. Killian was. "Yes, they are." William remembered getting a little too drunk at his brother's wedding but overall he had a pleasant time. Especially with one of the groomsmen, but he never spoke about it. He was curious about Declan's own wedding but he didn't want to pry. "Have you been to many?"

"I wish you wouldn't." His words came off a bit too short for his own taste but he hadn't meant for it to happen. "You're going to make yourself sick worrying so much." William squeezed Declan's hand, "Maybe you should leave some worrying for other people." He smiled but underneath he felt like a burden again. "I think it would be a good idea to discuss it more after tonight. I'd rather not think about it too much now, though." William thought the party was a nice idea but he needed to focus on one event at a time. "Just, please, not tonight."

Fall To Pieces - William & Declan

Declan chuckled and rolled his eyes as William complemented his appearance. “I’m comfortable.” He was wearing an old sweater that he’d sewn moth holes closed in multiple times and jeans frayed at the end. It was far from something William would be caught dead in. But Declan didn’t like throwing clothes away if he could patch them up. Stingey, William had teased him once. Declan just saw it as cautious about finances.

It was Declan’s turn to laugh as William mention his mother stuffing him full of food. He liked the Brennans. They weren’t particularly over the moon with him, but they were realistically cordial towards him. A little warmer than Daniel had been. He guessed why he really liked them though was because they loved William. They cared for him, were happy to see him when he visited. Mrs. Brennan loved on her youngest. And it made Declan grateful to them. They cared for the person he loved, so he was thankful for them. ”I may make a sandwich later then. I think we’ve still got some bread and meat left. I’ll wait a bit, see how late you come home.” He nodded, resting his arm over William’s shoulders as his love sat next to him, his fingers rubbing his shoulder gently.

"Hm? oh the paper." Declan shrugged picking it up again, adjusting his reading glasses. "no, but there’s less stories about murderers and robberies so I’ll take it." He chuckled smiling towards William. "Nothing too exciting. Mrs. Killian thought someone catnapped her cat, apparently it was just stuck in a tree." He flipped the paper over to the social pages, engagements and obituaries, "Madeline Bryne has announced her engagement to Peter Osborn." It bothered him for a moment that they’d never get to be in the paper like that…the only time they’d be in it would be in separate obituaries..not even a note about one of them surviving the other like you saw with the spouses in the obituaries.. Like when Mary died and he had "survived her", which was exactly what he would have called it, "surviving" at that point, not living. He guessed though it was fitting, he wouldn’t survive losing William..

It was a fleeting thought though. Declan tried not to dwell on things like that. He wasn’t in this relationship for anyone but himself and William. And they had who knows how long before William left him. He was here next to him, warm and somewhat happy. “Give your mother my love and thank her very much for feeding you. Keeps you from starving.” He winked, his hand moving to touch William’s hair, stroking it gently. William needed comfort and Declan could try to give it to him. “And if it gets too late, don’t try to drive home. As much as I’ll miss you hogging the sheets I don’t want you to fall asleep at the wheel.” He teased, winking at him. It was a short drive, but when William even got the slightest bit tired he could nod off.

"Exactly." William half mumbled the words as e smiled at Declan, "It's a good look." He figured that it didn't matter if he was wearing his pajamas or even the coziest sweater, there was no chance of William being comfortable that evening. "Even though I thought you were going to toss that rag you call a sweater." He shook his head as if he was disappointed. It hadn't taken William long to realize that Declan held onto things far longer than he really should have. There were times when it bothered him but he was only teasing at the moment.

William nodded, "I'm sure there is. I haven't made any sandwiches lately." Between visiting friends and relatives, he felt like he hadn't prepared a meal of his own in weeks. Normally he wouldn't have minded but he was growing suspicious. Had these people always fed him like this? Or were they only doing so because he was at his skinniest since he was a teenager? Maybe his lack of appetite had only enhanced his concerns. The food quantity hadn't changed but his ability to eat it all had. These were concerns he often kept to himself other than the occasional comment about being overfed. "Just don't wait too long."

William listened on as Declan revealed the latest news. There was nothing out of the ordinary. He smirked as Mrs. Killian's cat was brought up, "That 'old thing' is always going missing. I think she's had about give cats since I was a kid. They all look the same. I don't know if she realizes they're not the same cat." He acknowledged the wedding announcement with a slight curve of his lips, though it could hardly be called a smile. "I'm sure their wedding will be lovely." The last wedding he had attended was his brother's. He never really considered marrying Declan but the thought may have crossed his mind more often if it was an option. Since it wasn't, though, he preferred not to dwell on it.

"I will." He ignored Declan's comment about starvation and went onto wondering how his mother truly felt about the older man. She was courteous towards him, but it was clear that the situation was still difficult for her to get used to. He had to give her credit for trying but it was a bit painful to endure. "I'll be fine." William knew that he would want to return to Declan as soon as he could but he understood his concerns for safety. "I'm sure my mum will tell me the same thing." That is, of course, if she still wanted him around. William still didn't know how she, or his father, would react to his confession about his health.

Fall To Pieces - William & Declan

Declan was still getting use to Kenmare’s slow lifestyle. He guessed he liked it. It was rather boring. He had spent most of his time sitting around the house, watching tv or reading. It was peaceful, but boring. He was very thankful to be here with William.

It was obvious though to both men, that coming home had been a heavy burden on William. Ever since they arrived he had been running around to different family, friends, seeing everyone. Declan went sometimes if they knew about him.. But most of the time he stayed home. He would say he was tired or really wanted to unpack, but he really just didn’t want to bring unwanted, potentially harmful, attention on William.. Kenmare was small so he was sure the whole town new about the new couple in town.. Most people didn’t say anything to their faces, but he’d seen the looks, usually some level of uncomfortableness on their faces. He didn’t want to make William’s family feel awkward, so he didn’t try to go out often. He doubted they wanted to see him anyways, they probably thought all of this was his fault.

He was reading the local paper when William came into the living room. He looked exhausted… Declan smiled though reassuringly. William was about to go do something very difficult, come clean to his parents.. So he didn’t want to bring him down any. He remembered the time William told him. They had both cried, Declan upset about William not telling him sooner, about losing William. William crying over bringing this pain on Declan. He couldn’t imagine how he felt about telling his parents.. Or how they would react. He wasn’t going tonight, even though he wanted to be there.. He didn’t want to be a distraction. Which he would be. He knew he’d probably start crying as soon as William talked about his prognosis.

"You look nice." He grinned towards him, offering William the seat next to him. He knew William would be leaving soon, but he wanted to give him some comfort before then. "I love that jacket on you. It’s your favorite isn’t it?" He asked folding the paper, resting it on their side table. He knew it was, but it was just something nice to talk about. "What should I attempt to cook tonight? What would you like to have burned for lunch tomorrow?" He joked lightly smiling at him brightly. Their life was so cloudy, depressing the way it was most of the time. The least he could do was be William’s light, like William was his.

William forced a smile as Declan complimented his appearance, "Thank you." He could have argued that he didn't look his best but he didn't want to. Even if it wasn't the truth, he knew that Declan had been sincere when he said it. "You don't look half bad yourself." Declan looked comfortable and he wished that he could stay with him but he couldn't cancel plans with his parents. He nodded as Declan mentioned the jacket that he was wearing. "Yes." It was a little worn around theedges and in the past he would have been told it was no longer in season but it didn't matter to him now. In Kenmare no one cared about stuff like that. William suspected that he didn't actually care either and that he had just gotten swept up in the politics of having a wealthy career. The jacket was comfortable and it kept William warm. It was enough for him.

A laugh escaped his throat as Declan teased about burning dinner. "I wouldn't bother." William placed a hand against his stomach, "My mom will probably try to stuff me like a Cornish hen and then send me home with leftovers to last us a week." He couldn't even stomach the thought of food at the moment but he was hoping to force some down when he got to his parent's. It was nerves mostly, but he didn't want to make them more concerned by his lack of appetite. "If you're hunger though, then go ahead and fix yourself something to eat. I don't want you to go hungry. I don't know how long I'm going to be there." William had a feeling that it would be a late night but he wasn't really sure.

"Anything good in the news?" Asked William, noticing that Decan had been reading the newspaper, "I know it's not as exciting as Dublin's paper." He spoke as if he was apologizing on its behalf. The town paper rarely had important articles, but occasionally it had amusing tales of its local residents.

Fall To Pieces - William & Declan

William tried to convince himself that it was just dinner with his parents. They would discuss the latest gossip about the town and share mundane details about their lives. His mother would refill their tea cups throughout the night. He could imagine the night over and over again but deep down he knew the truth. William would have to interrupt the casual conversations of the evening to tell his parents his secret. He dreaded seeing tears fill their eyes. Would they even understand? They barely had a grasp of his sexuality, although they had tried their best to be supportive, but they may have not been aware of stigma that surrounded sexually active men like himself. William didn't have to fear being judged by his mom or dad but it wasn't exactly comforting. He was still going to break their hearts and that just as painful to him.

As William threw clothes down onto his bed, he thought about the day he had come out to his parents. At the time he thought it would be the most difficult thing he had to do but knowing that he would come home to Declan had made it easier. As much as he loved Declan, he wasn't sure if he was enough to get him through the night this time. He would leave his parent's home, the house he had grown up in, and return to Declan. But he had hurt Declan too. William picked out an outfit for the night and put away the rest of his clothes. He used to think he had an outfit for everything. Traveling, night outs, church, dates... but how do you pick out clothes for this sort of night? The clothes would be tainted. William ended up going with jeans, a grey shirt, converse, and his favorite black leather jacket. There was no reason to dress up tonight.

William slipped into his clothes and stood in front of the long mirror hanging from the closet door. Despite recently taking a shower, he still looked rundown. He had hoped that it would help freshen him up. All it did was make him a cleaner version of his tired self. It wasn't even being sick that was causing his lack of energy, it was the stress of being sick. He was losing sleep over telling his parents. The nightmares of being pushed away werent helping either. Neither had Daniel's reaction. It wasn't about his brother, though. He knew his parents would react much differently than him. William grew tired of staring at his reflection, as it wasn't what he wanted to see, and closed the closet door. It was nearly six in the evening and he wanted to spend some time with Declan before he went to his parent's house. William stepped out of the beroom and headed to the living room, hoping that Declan would be in there.

Packing Up a Life II William

"I hid a lot from my parents. But we never talked about things much anyways so it wasn’t hard." Declan said with a shrug. His father had fought in both World Wars and was the kind who believed that boys shouldn’t cry or have emotions. So Declan just didn’t talk to him at all. Neither of his parents knew he was gay, they passed before he told them. He didn’t honestly plan on telling them anyways. "No. William, my William, get away with things." He chuckled shaking his head. "I don’t believe it." He meant it kindheartedly. William was a charmer, he knew exactly what to say to get what he wanted. Declan, ever the pushover, didn’t help by nearly always giving in.

"Right, spinning details." He grinned over to him. He loved that William was a writer. He told the best stories about his adventures all over the world. And they could just be stories, made up, Declan would never know.. part of him didn’t care. He liked hearing them, liked seeing William’s face light up.. "Don’t need that in the fix it business. People just want the straight talk. Can you fix it? How much will it cost?" He shook his head. "Horribly boring to talk about." He would miss his job, but not as much as he knew William would miss his.. It had been his partner’s life for so long.

"Yes, no wrinkles for you. I’m the wrinkly one." He smiled making the winkles around his eyes stand out. William was already beautiful to Declan. The most beautiful person he’d ever seen. But he still let him sleep as much as he wanted. He got tired so easily…it worried Declan but he let him sleep. He was in a good mood after a nap, able to do things. "I will never get sick of you William." He noted William’s lack of interest in his soup, adding it to his list of what his love ate for the day. He’d offer to make him something later. "Yes," He gestured for the waiter, thanking him as he brought their check. "I’ve got dinner." He smiled pulling out a few notes, placing them in the fold. "Ready to go home? Or do you want to walk around a bit?" He didn’t want to make William go home, he’d been sitting around all day cooped up. He didn’t want to make him go home though if he didn’t want to. But he didn’t want to keep him out if he was tired. They could go home and lay in bed together, William could tell him a story…

Hearing that Declan kept a lot from his parents made William's heart sting. He understood why, though. Declan had grown up in a time that had been even less accepting than the one they currently lived in. His own parents had struggled to come to terms with William's sexuality but they had done the best they could. If anything, William could only fault them on their ignorance but he hadn't done much to educate them either. He didn't value their opinion any less than Daniel's, but he knew that they would love him no matter what. He didn't know if the same could be said about his brother. So even though he couldn't relate to Declan's struggle with his parents, he still had an idea of what he had gone through. "I'm sure they loved you, though." William blushed as Declan teased him for getting away with stuff, "I know, I know, it's surprising."

William smirked as Declan repeated his line about spinning details, "Just enough to sell the story, but not enough to make it untrue." He tilted his head as Declan went on to talk about his own job, "No, I suppose they wouldn't want a lot of details. Unless they just wanted to know how to fix something themselves. But then that would be requesting your services for free." William adored Declan with all of his heart but he had to agree that fixing stuff was a "boring" topic for him. He didn't mind hearing about Declan's day or even what sort of things he had fixed but when it came to the actual fixing process, it always brought him back to thinking that it would have just been easier to buy a replacement. William didn't express this with Declan, ever, because he didn't want to hurt his feelings. Besides, he liked hearing Declan talk about stuff he enjoyed.

"I can hardly tell." William leaned in closer as if he couldn't see any wrinkles on Declan's face. Given his age, it wasn't unusual to find wrinkles on Declan but he never zoned in on them. "Just don't forget it." He turned his attention to the waiter that Declan was flagging down. William gave him a warm smile as he offered to return with their check. His hand was already inching its way to his pocket before Declan told him that he had the bill. "Okay." William wanted to insist that he pay it but he didn't want to be rude. "I want to go home." He smiled softly, "I just want to send some alone time." William felt fine, but he didn't know how much time he would have alone with Declan once he moved back home. He wanted to cherish the moments they could spend together. The following weeks would likely be hectic as he made an effort to visit his family.

Packing Up a Life II William

Declan felt a little guilty as William scooted closer his face bright and interested as he told his stories. He felt selfish that he didn’t talk about something William wanted to hear about.. He was obviously curious and cared to know, but Declan really didn’t like talking about it. It hurt his heart as he talked and thought about Mary..Even the happy moments made his heart hurt..something he was starting to experience more and more with William..It amazed him some times how his life was repeating itself. He was losing someone he loved again. Even if he loved William in a different way, in the end it would just hurt again, like his heart was being torn apart again.. He was sure though there wouldn’t be a way to put it back together this time. He focused back on the conversation at hand though, it was supposed to be a happy one. No time for tears or depressing thoughts.

He smiled smally as William nudged him. “Well I didn’t know Spot was going to get out. Dad always kept his shoes in the same spot by his chair. If I’d moved them they would have known something was up.” Declan’s smile grew as William mentioned his pet cat. He bet he knew who it was named after, he knew that William like Paul Newman… ”Well you’d better remind me. You know my memory isn’t as good as yours.” He chuckled winking, making an old man joke. It was an easy topic to laugh at, he didn’t mind. Age was an issue they had dealt with already in their time together, now it was just a issue to joke on.

He nodded as William pet his hand, reassuring him that he was fine. Declan blushed softly realizing how ridiculous he had acted. He just.. William couldn’t get hurt. Declan may have failed him in not helping him beat the virus destroying him, but he wouldn’t let anything else happen to him. “Look who’s talking. You nap all the time!” He chuckled, picking up his last bite of sushi. He knew it wasn’t because of William’s age, but he’s health that made him so tired..but it was true. He was sure William slept more than he did. He smiled back as William reassured him that he knew.. his smile grew as he said he loved him. Every time he heard it he couldn’t help but smile. He nodded as William continued. They wouldn’t have. Declan loved William so much, he’d do anything for him. “We have come a long way, and we’ve got a long way to go, so don’t get sick of me yet.” He chuckled taking a drink of his water.

William couldn't help but wonder if Declan would ever consider getting another pet again. They had never discussed it before but the thought had never really crossed his mind either. With all of his travels, it would have been difficult to keep a pet. He didn't think it was fair to leave an animal for long periods of time. What was the point of having a pet when you couldn't treat it as a companion? It was different now, though, as William no longer planned to travel. He would be home more often and he wouldn't feel guilty for making Declan do all of the work. William wasn't eager to bring the topic up at dinner. It was something that he felt he needed to give more thought to, especially with his declining health, and he didn't want to rush into anything. They were already moving across the country because he had asked. It was more than enough for now.

"Oh, I see." Had Declan's father been a strict man? William didn't know if it was appropriate to ask. "I can't say that I ever hid much from either of my parents." He hadn't come clean about his sexuality for many years but he never claimed to be anything that he wasn't either. It was kept an open secret until he had met Declan. "But I probably got away with more than I should have." William never thought of himself as spoiled but he had learned early in life that his brother was going to be the one everyone expected more from. As long as Daniel was on track, and he often was then it didn't matter what William was getting into.

He shook his head as if Declan was speaking nonsense, "I will, butI wouldn't say that my memory is better than yours. I'm just better at spinning details enough to make my life seem more interesting." William grinned playfully, "Just part of my job." It was a job that he was going to miss but he knew that it was time for him to settle down. Getting paid to travel had been an amazing career, but it had also likely lead to him getting sick. William often felt quite ashamed of it.

William's mouth dropped at Declan's accusation, "I do not." He was probably right, but William refused to believe it. A smirk gathered at the corner of his lips, "Watching you pack all day is exhausting..." He found it best to lighten up about earlier, even though he still felt bad for making Declan do most of the work. "Besides, I can't help it. I need my beauty rest..." William tugged at the sides of his eyes, "I don't want any more wrinkles." He let go of his face and reached for his soup soon again. As he listened to Declan speak, he took a couple more sips of soup before deciding that he was done with it. He thought it was delicious but too rich. "I promise, but only if you don't get sick of me first." William pushed his bowl away and faced Declan, "Are ye' done here, love?"

Packing Up a Life II William

Declan hummed and nodded, “Yeah, I watched them with my mother.” He laughed softly though as William mentioned being a three stooges man himself. “That doesn’t surprise me at all.” He wrinkled his nose as William tapped it playfully, still smiling. “Right, ZaSu Pitts. You would like that slapstick style.” He nodded at William mentioned her death was sad. Yes it was, but death was always sad no matter how it happened. “Right, we’ll figure it out.” He smiled, but it was weak. He was nervous about it all.. He was moving away from everything he knew.. He hoped he fit in, was accepted by the family. he didn’t have anyone else if he didn’t.

He ate a few bites of his sushi as William looked away. He wondered what he was thinking. He had an idea it was about his illness, William always became distant when he thought about it… He came back to him though, telling him a story about little William. “See very adventurous.” He hummed softly, thinking about something he could tell William about that wouldn’t put him to sleep.. “I’d hide away in my basement when I was younger. I liked being alone.” He swallowed for a moment, preparing himself for what he said next. “Mary was the only one I allowed down there. She’d go out and find things for me to fix then just sit there and watch me.” He never talked about Mary, it was still raw on his heart. He’d never forgive himself for what he did to her. At the same time though, there weren’t many moments in his childhood without her. “One time she brought me a puppy saying she’d found it in a trash can. We kept it in the basement. We had it for about a week until it escaped and ate a pair of my father’s shoes.” He shook his head. “We took it to the shelter the same day.” He looked down keeping a blush down at William said he wanted to see the pictures. “When we move if we find them, you can see them.” In the end he always gave in to William’s requests.

Declan felt bad when William nearly joked on his rabbit food. “Sorry, sorry. Don’t choke on me.” He said quickly on the edge of his seat in case he need to help him. He relaxed again, nearly sighing as he said it was good. “Good.” He smiled softly before chuckling. “Well that’s one exciting way to spend the night. Don’t mind me if I lay down here and take a nap if you do.” He teased.

They ate quietly for a few moments, Declan sneaking peaks at William. He loved him, really. Maybe they weren’t as close as they had been before he had gotten ill.. William was more closed off now, but Declan didn’t press him either..He was still trying to come to terms with it himself..that he was going to lose someone he loved so much yet again… “You know I love you right? I can’t remember the last time I told you that.” The older man whispered his eyes looking back up at William. He may have said something along those lines, called him love or said he and his ow family loved him, but he didn’t remember the last time he just told him that he loved him. They weren’t like the couples that said it every day.

William smiled softly at the thought of Declan watching things with his mom. "I'm just so predictable, aren't I?" He rolled his eyes as if he was annoyed but in truth he found it amusing. William's expression faded into one of sadness as he thought about Declan's nod. It hadn't been his intention to turn the topic into something somber. There were moments when William forgot that he was sick or that Declan had gone through this before. They were happy moments but it didn't take long for him to be reminded again. William wasn't afraid of dying, he was just scared of leaving things unfinished. He knew that Declan had it harder than him. After all, dying is easy. It's getting left behind that's difficult. "Yeah..." He mumbled softly, "We'll figure out." Repeated William.

He scooted himself closer as Declan began to talk about his childhood. It was such a rarely discussed topic. William couldn't help it that his face lit up when he heard Mary's name. She had been a huge part of Declan's life and he had always been curious about her. William let Declan decide what stories he told, though, as he knew that it hurt Declan to share them. "You should have just hid his shoes." William gave him a little nudge on the arm with his elbow, "But really, that's pretty cute." He had to resist the urge to ask him any questions. They would have been too personal. William wanted to know if they ever got another dog. "I had a cat when I was growing up. I named him Newman." He became rather fond of Paul Newman after watching Butch Cassidy and the Sunshine Kid with his dad and brother. "Alright, just don't forget."

Declan's response may have been more startling than the thought of choking. "I'm fine." He let out a chuckle and pet Declan's hand to calm him down. "Sometimes I don't know if you're over fifty or a toddler." William teeased as he took a drink of his water to wash down the salad, "You're always in need of a nap." He set his glass down and reached for his soup. As he brought it close to him he stuck the spoon in only to pause when Declan began to speak again. His spoon rested at the top of the murky liquid as he listened. "I know." William faced Declan and gave him a reassuring smile. The spoon slipped further into his bowl as he continued to speak, "And I love you. I don't think we would have come this far if we didn't love each other, Declan. I really don't."

ludomire-deactivated20180221

Welcome Home || Daniel, William, Declan, & Ava

Well this was a lovely awkward tea. Declan could feel, see the eyes flicking up, quick glances to size everyone up. He wondered what everyone was really thinking. What Daniel and Ava really thought of this old man who was calling himself William’s boyfriend..what William was thinking about how this was going. He just smiled at the proper times, nodding at others. He watched as William drank his beer, slightly disappointed that he was drinking because of his health, but he looked like he was enjoying it. Declan wasn’t going to call him out about it here..

#para:ava #para:daniel #para:declan

The older man kept his attention on his tea as the conversation turned towards the Brennan parents. It was obviously a point of worry for the brothers which didn’t help his nerves towards that situation at all. God he hoped it wouldn’t be as awkward as this..though he had a feeling it would be, or maybe even worse. He looked down noticing Ava’s fingers tight around Daniel’s..wishing he could do the same for William. Maybe though it was more for himself.. It wouldn’t happen though, he didn’t want to embarrass William or make anyone uncomfortable..

Declan wasn’t one for house warming parties.. He’d much rather just relax into living in their new place.. But it would give everyone a chance to get together hopefully in a welcoming place. Maybe have the kids and William’s parents over. It sounded a bit overwhelming actually, all those people in their place, but if it gave them a better opinion of himself and William..maybe it would be ok. He could have answered the question, but Ava was directing the question at William, so he stayed quiet, smiling at Ava, her bright happiness infectious, before looking back towards William waiting for his answer.

William scanned the room a he tried to fnd a place to rest his eyes. Although Daniel had asked him a question, he felt like making eye contact with him would have been uncomfortable. He was close to letting his eyes fall on Declan, as he hadn't checked on him in awhile, but when Ava spoke he was quick to turn his head in her direction. William couldn't believe how thankful he was to hear her voice. He felt his limbs relax as he looked at her. At least she was trying. "A dinner?" William flashed a smile, "That sounds fun." It actually sounded like it was going to be incredibly awkward. He knew that Declan wasn't going to be into the idea but he couldn't turn down Ava's warm offer. "We'd really appreciate it." William felt guilty for dragging Declan into a decision without asking him first but he hoped that he would understand. He refused to take his eyes off Ava because he didn't want to know what Declan's reaction was.

It took him another swig of his beer before he realized that he hadn't answered his brother's question. He rested his beverage between his legs and carefully placed his gaze in Daniel's direction. William tried to answer as caually as possible. He didn't want anyone to think that he had been avoiding responding to his brother, "Well, I'd say just a few more weeks. We still have a lot of packing to do. The house we bought isn't quite empty yet either." William brought the bottle back to his lips but didn't take a drink yet, "Do you remember the Callahans? It's their old place. I don't know who was living there after them. I didn't even know they moved." He shrugged as he took a drink. It had been a long time since he saw the family. William was friends with the son, a fellow band member, but they had lost contact once William graduated from school.

ludomire-deactivated20180221

It Can't Come Quickly Enough || Daniel & William

It’d been weeks since Billy came back and Daniel had still found it hard to be alone with his brother. He wasn’t sure why exactly, they weren’t fighting or anything close to it, hell they were hardly doing much of anything besides sharing breathing space. But whenever the two did have a chance to be alone, Daniel avoided it at all costs, as if he could ignore the two’s problems and Billy’s clearly declining health just as long as there were other people around. Almost like he could pretend things were normal, even though clearly they were not.

Much different could be said about Ava and his brother though. Ever since Billy’s return the two had seemed to hit it off quite well, extremely well at that. It was a little bizarre, seeing two of the most important people in his life together, one from his past and the other his present and future. He was glad though, even though he was having difficulty making his brother feel at home, Ava made up for it in tenfold.

Ava was out grocery shopping with the kids as Daniel was thinking this all over, his arms elbow deep in dirty dish water and soap. Billy was out in the living room, or at least he was when Daniel last checked. Whether Billy realized his brother did this or not was a mystery to him, lately it seemed like his mind was everywhere but the present.

It was while Daniel was viciously scrubbing off a bit of burnt cheese from last night’s lasagna off the casserole dish when he heard someone walking- or more shuffling into the kitchen behind him. Turning his head towards the door, Daniel gave his brother a tight smile before nodding his head, all while his stomach turned into knots as he realized his mistake: he’d let himself be alone in the house with Billy. “Yeah, I just wanted to get these done before Ava and the kids got back.” He raised a wet dish in the air before starting to dry it, his nerves only getting worse when he noticed his brother take a seat. It’s just Billy you arse, calm down, he reminded himself.

"Talk?" Daniel raised an eyebrow as he looked back over his shoulder. Something was wrong, he knew that, had known since his brother walked through his door just weeks ago. He just wasn’t sure if he was quite ready to hear it yet. "Um, yeah. Yeah, of course." He shot his brother another tight smile before going to dry off his soapy hands and arms. "Um what’s up?" He asked, slinging the dish towel over his shoulder before taking a seat across his brother. His feet bobbed rapidly under the table as he waited for his brother to talk again, the only clear sign of his anxiety.

William's eyes danced around as he tried to focus on the plate in Daniel's hand. He couldn't see anything other than a blur so he gave up. "That's really nice of you." A smile had accompanied his words but it was lost on Daniel because his back was turned. He thought about asking his brother where his family had gone but he knew that it would only lead to small talk. William had always been a social person. He could pick up a conversation with anyone but his brother was an exception. Their discussions were usually short and it was obvious that they weren't getting to the bottom of what was really going on in either of their heads William wanted to skip it and go into why he was there.

He took in a deep breath and exhaled slowly, making sure that he didn't make a sound. William only nodded as his brother accepted his invitation to talk. The way Daniel's lips curled made him uncomfortable. It didn't seem natural to William. In all honesty, William couldn't even remember a time when Daniel looked at him sincerely. It wasn't entirely his fault, though, William could be blamed for the same thing. They were nearly strangers. Every time they got into a room toegether it was as if they had just been told they were brothers. Their childhoods meant very little now that they were adults. As a joke, William had considered introducing himself but he didn't know how Daniel would react.

As soon as his brother took a seat he could feel the table rocking and he could only assume that Daniel was bobbing his feet beneath it. It was distracting, William had to admit, but if kept him relatively calm then he wasn't going to ask him to stop. William pulled his attention away from the table and looked over to his brother. It had been a long time since they were face to face like this. He could make eye contact with his brother but he didn't allow himself to. Instead, he studied his features. William matched each detail of his face to the memory of Daniel as a kid and his heart sank. He was a letdown to his brother, he didn't even have to hear it from him, William could look into his eyes and feel it.

Daniel spoke casually and it made William wish that he had something light to respond with. Some gossip about a neighbor from their childhood or what was going on in the local supermarket. He couldn't even muster up anything about their parents. William glanced at his watch, he was running out of time. There was a hitch in his throat as he began to talk, "Look, um, I know I haven't made choices in my life that you agree with." William thought that owning up to that would leave Daniel with less room to judge, "Honestly, for awhile, I thought I was doing pretty well for myself..." He swiped at his jaw as he tried to push more words out, he was trying not to get choked up or lose focus, "But, I was wrong."

William was treating the conversation like a confession. Daniel could easily make William feel guilty and he didn't even know if it was on purpose. He didn't want his brother to hate him or feel disgusted by him. William was bringing himself down in an effort to prevent Daniel from doing so. It was taking time, though, and he still hadn't told Daniel why he had asked him to talk. "I came back because i wanted to spend time with you. I miss being a family. I've missed out on everything. I don't even remember what ma's cooking tastes like anymore." William brought his hands to his face and hid before continuing, "One day it's all going to be gone, and I think I'm going to be the first to go."

#para:daniel

Packing Up a Life II William

One of the first things Declan had noticed the first time he had gone home with William was all the new things in it. Nothing in the house was probably over a year old. It didn’t take long before he figured out why. William had no patience for fixing things. It made sense to Declan, why fix something when you could afford the newer shinier model. That had never been an option for him though, so Declan fixed things. Old things were just as good as the new ones… It had made him nervous the first time he’d brought William to his place, he had put it off for a long time, hiding that it was filled with broken, old things. But William had surprised him, he seemed fascinated that Declan could fix things and wanted him to fix things for him. Now William’s place was filled with things Declan had fixed. It would be a lie to saw he wasn’t secretly proud of that. “Keaton was great. I like the Marx brothers, they could always make me laugh and Thelma Todd, she was beautiful.” He didn’t know if William knew who any of those people were. They had watched some movies together, but he didn’t know if he remembered them. He didn’t saw anything about William’s brother or his nieces and nephews. He guessed he shouldn’t have brought that up… Touchy subject. Declan was still learning about William’s family. More and more he was feeling like he shouldn’t talk about them. It made him feel like an outsider.

"Embarrass me?" Declan couldn’t help but laugh. "Oh I doubt it. I’d love to hear about your life. Sure you were just as adventurous as a kid as you are now." He smiled shaking his head. William’s stories always amazed him. The things he’d done, the places he’d been. He was sure his childhood stories were just as grand. The passion had to start somewhere. "I’ll tell you one or two later tonight maybe. Just so you know that you’re not missing anything." He chuckled. He was sure he could think up at least one exciting story..maybe something about him as a kid. "Aw come on. Let me see a couple good ones, maybe I’ll find a couple of myself when we unpack." He knew he had some. After his parents passed he has inherited everything, he threw most of it out, but he did keep pictures shoved in a box somewhere. They didn’t mean much to him. His young self was awkward, few friends like Mary. He wondered if there were any in the box of her…probably. He’d have to take them out before sharing the rest..

Declan nodded as William once again declined his offer. William was very insistent that Declan didn’t do things for him. “Whatever you want.” Declan smiled as the food arrived. “Magic.” He chuckled winking playfully and smiled as William smiled about being right. “You know me so well.” He took his plate back, as William nudged it away. He ate a few bites, sneaking a looking towards William’s plate when he had the chance. He was eating, good. Things were going well as long as William kept eating.. “How’s your rabbit food?” He asked after a few moments of silence. Silence between them was an interesting thing. Sometimes it was a comfortable one. When they were cuddled together on their couch, or laying in bed together, there was nothing they needed to say.. Other times, like now, it was awkward.. unsure of what they wanted to say, what could be said..

#para:declan #there's a picture of baby liam somewhere #i used to have it #well kid!liam

William rested his chin in the palm of his hand and smirked, "Are these the sort of films you watched as a kid?" He had seen a few of the things that Declan had mentioned, with Declan himself, but he didn't remember them all. "Always been more of a three stooges kind of person myself." William spoke teasingly as he lightly tapped Declan's nose with the tip of his finger, "But I remember liking the funny shorts she did with, oh, what's her name?" His hand slipped out from underneath his head as he tried to remember Thelma's costar, "I think Zasu?" He wasn't sure if he was saying her name right but he knew he was close. "Yeah, very beautiful. It's tragic how she died, though." William noticed that Declan didn't respond to his statement about his brother's kids. "But that's why we're moving there, you know? We're going to figure out stuff like that." He gave Declan a little nudge and followed it up with a reassuring smile. William was trying to be positive and looked forward to finding out more about his niece and nephew. He hoped Decan felt the same about the situation.

He turned away when Declan called him adventurous. William often wondered if it was that exact behavior that lead him to getting infected. It wasn't as though he was going around being a sexual deviant but he could have been more careful. He thought that if he met Declan sooner, settled down sooner, that maybe he wouldn't have gotten sick. But until he met Declan, he didn't even know it was an option. He just knew he wouldn't live up to the standards set by his brother so why even bother? William didn't look away for long, he didn't want Declan to suspect that anything was wrong. Instead, he put on another smile and tried to think of himself as a child, "I ran off a lot, sort of built my own little world in a nearby field. I liked to get away. But I'd always have to come back for supper because I'd only ever bring a couple of biscuits and after awhile you get hungry again. I never really thought ahead." He nudged Declan again, "So now you HAVE to tell me a story about your childhood." He shook his head, "Oh, I'm sure there's plenty. I'd love to see those, if you don't mind."

There would be a time when he would have to rely on Declan more but he wanted to avoid it for as long as possible. He wanted to be a companion and not a burden. "Of course." William grinned as Declan mentioned magic. Sometimes he could get lost looking at Declan and everything he said was worth hearing, even if it was a silly little joke. He nodded in agreement but did Declan know William? He sometimes worried that trust had been lost after he kept his illness a secret. William hadn't been entirely honest with him since but only because he wasn't ready to get into what was going on in his head. He was taking baby steps. He crunched down on a particurely bitter piece of lettuce and almost choked out of embarrassment when Declan referred to it as rabbit food. With the lettuce still in his mouth he spoke, "It's good." William stared down at his soup and swallowed what was in his mouth. He was looking forward to his soup because at least it would have some flavor. "I could eat it all night." Its texture made it seem like it might actually take that long to finish.

Packing Up a Life II William

Declan nodded as William asked if he could fix the VCR. “I’m sure I could. I’ve fixed a few at the shop.” He knew there was a good chance William had just unplugged it and forgot to plug it back in. He loved William, air headed moments and all. “Oh yes, a horribly boring silent film. One of those ones with the silly music and the speech cards between scenes.” He rolled his eyes. He was sure it was an old person joke at his expense, but he could take them. He shook his head before speaking again. “No, we don’t have to watch anything. I’ll probably be too tired when we get back. Long day of packing.” His eyes met William’s for a moment. “Thank you by the way, for helping me pack today. I really appreciate it.” It was exhausting work, and even if he just did a little, it helped a lot. “I’m ready to move, but I’m already dreading the unpacking. Can we just give your nieces and nephews some money and get them to unpack for us?”

"I’ll try not to embarrass you too much." He chuckled dryly, "no promises." Declan knew William was making fun of him, being cynical about how people would view them in his hometown. Yes, life was going to be harder for them. They were going to stick out even more and people would probably be ruder to them.. But what could they do about it? This was there life now..William had wanted to move home so they were. They would have to handle these issues.. He didn’t say anything though. He didn’t like fighting with William over pointless things like this. People would either hate him for who he was or wouldn’t care. He wished people would like him, honestly life was easier that way, but he had learned not to expect kindness when you were…different.

"Stories from my past, you make my life sound much more adventurous than it was." He chuckled shaking his head. "No, I won’t bore you with those, you’ll fall asleep faster than when you watch my old black and white movies." They didn’t talk about it. He didn’t see a reason too, and he didn’t like talking about Mary. There was just too much pain there, even after all the years that past. Besides there wasn’t much to say. He went to school, got married, opened a shop, never had a family, Mary died, he drank a lot, now he was here with William. Boring shit. He grinned as William mentioned his old band pictures. He liked talking about William more, and thankfully so did William. "No, I want to see them though, maybe I’ll ask your parents to see them." He loved the idea of William in a band uniform, he was sure he looked adorable. "Bet you were an adorable nerd."

Declan nodded as William said he’d order something again later. He believed him. He knew he had so many reasons not to, so many times William never told him the truth about his illness…But he didn’t want to believe that William was still lying to him.. He never lied to William, maybe not told him the whole truth, but never outright lied to him. “If you get hungry at home I think I could scrounge enough up to make chocolate biscuits or maybe a small cake.”

The waitress showed back up at the table, passing out their food. Declan smiled thanking her before looking down at this plate. Ah unagi.. Yes this looked familiar. He couldn’t help but sigh slightly, relieved that it wasn’t something completely new. He looked over at William’s soup and salad. “Looks good.” He pushed his plate of sushi over to his partner. “First pick, you don’t have to take one, just offering.”

"Okay, good." William had never been a very handy person. He didn't even try to be most of the time. In the past, he was the kind of guy who bought into replacing everything. If something broke it was just an excuse to by the latest version of it. So his apartments were always nice and filled with the latest must have items but they felt empty. It wasn't until Declan came into his life that he felt like he was at home. William didn't know if it was true or not but Declan seemed to be able to fix anything. It was no longer necessary for William to buy stuff that could just as easily be fixed with some time and effort. "I have to say, though, as cheesy as some of those movies are, people like Buster Keaton were pretty impressive in their time." William nodded softly at the idea of not watching anything at all, "It's up to you, I don't mind." He couldn't help but smirk as he was thanked, "It wasn't a problem at all." There was a hint of guilt laced within William's words but he played it off as pure sarcasm. "I don't know how my brother would feel about that." He honestly didn't and that bothered him.

"I appreciate it." He was still using a joking tone, "Oh, I'm sure you're going to hear all about my life, though. I might embarrass you." William turned his attention away from Declan as he said that his life had been boring. It wasn't true, he refused to believe it. At the same time, though, he could understand why Declan didn't want to talk about his life before he had met William. "Alright, well, I'm sure there's a story or two that wouldn't bore me." He shrugged, "But I'll get them out of you another time." He never asked about Mary, it was too painful of a topic, but William had been curious about Declan as a kid. He was sure he was just as cute as he was then as he was now. "Oh, I see how it is. I'm sure you'll sucker my parents into showing you my pictures. I'll just hide all the good ones." William was chuckling as he spoke. He was quite the eccentric child growing up, especially compared to his brother, but he wasn't ashamed of it anymore. It had been a long time since he tried to be like Daniel.

William crinkled his nose as he shook his head no, "it's fine, really. It'll be too late when we get home. I'll just want to relax. I'd rather you didn't bother. I'll be fine." He didn't want to fuss with Declan. It was clear that he'd do anything for William but he wasn't eager to see it happen. "I haven't even eaten yet." As if he had planned it, although he hadn't, as he finished speaking the waitress came by with their food. "See? Plenty of food." She sat the plates down on the table and he looked to see Declan's expression. he seemed content with his food so William smiled, "I knew you liked that." William thanked the waitress and watched her leave the table. When he turned back he was met with a plate in front of him, "I'm good with this. Thank you, though." The sushi did look appetizing but he gently nudged the plate out of his view and dug into his own food. William felt more like a rabbit than anything else as he crunched on the lettuce but he knew that it was good for him so he continued to take bites.

indianaiones

#fc #young william

It Can't Come Quickly Enough || Daniel & William

William found himself sitting in his brother's living room by himself. He wasn't sure where Ava had gone to, or even his brother, but being alone hadn't bothered him much until he realized it. In front of him was a cup of tea and upon reaching for it, he noticed that it was nearly empty. This had become a problem for William, at times he felt as though he was losing his mind but he knew that he could get swept away in his own thought process and lose track of his surroundings. For all he knew, he could have mumbled something out loud about acknowledging their departures. William had been back for weeks now and yet he had gotten nowhere with them. Visiting his family never brought them closer to each other. There wasn't any sign that bonding had happened.

He was fearful that Daniel had picked up on how often he had been checking out of situations lately. It was something he did as a kid, often daydreaming about stuff, but it wasn't as acceptable now that he was in his thirties. Since moving back, it had become difficult for William to focus on anything his brother was saying because he was too caught up in thinking about how badly he needed to tell him he was sick. William was afraid of how Daniel might react to being told, though. He felt as though he was going around in circles and even though he knew what he had to do, he was always being pulled back by the fear that he let sit in every time he thought about talking to his brother.

William held the cup to his lips and sipped his tea until it was gone. He allowed himself to sit in silence for a few minutes because his curiosity got the better of him. Checking the time on his watch, he thought maybe Ava was out with the kids but had Daniel gone with her? It was a nice day outside, so he wouldn't have blamed them for abandoning someone who had been carrying a cloud over their head. William found comfort in knowing that Declan was at home. Although, at this moment, he wasn't sure why. He stood up and gathered his dishes and made his way into the kitchen. There was a short startled jolt in his body as he walked in, he was surprised to find his brother in the kitchen.

"Oh, I didn't know you were in here." With dishes in his hand, William moved forward and set them down on the counter next to the sink. He didn't hesitate to pull up a chair at the table. "I thought you may have been out with Ava." As William took a seat he realized that he was actually alone with Daniel. It hadn't really occurred to him before, but they hadn't had a second to themselves since he arrived. Was it intentional? William couldn't be certain. It had made it harder for William to talk to his brother. He wasn't ready for Ava to know that he was positive. William also felt as though Daniel might feel ganged up on if he brought Declan along. They needed to talk in private, it was clear to him now.

He couldn't describe the feelings that were mixing inside of him. For the first time in a very long time, he felt brave. There was also a sense of urgency, as if he had to speak now or else he would never be given the chance. Even though he knew it wasn't true, he couldn't help it when the words fell out of his mouth. "Can we talk?" William's chair squeaked as he scooted closer to the table and placed his arms down on it, "I mean, right now? While we're alone?" His eyes scanned the room to try and meet Daniel's. His eyes were dark, unlike William's, and it was a reminder of how different they were. He looked like their dad and sometimes William felt jealous of that. It made him feel like an outcast among the men in his family. Especially when he more resembled their mom.

#para:daniel

Packing Up a Life II William

Declan smiled softly as William scooted closer. “If they do my snoring will scare them off.” He chuckled, winking at William his hand reaching out to touch his hand for a moment, before pulling it back. It was still awkward, trying to figure out what was acceptable in public.. He was used to holding Mary’s hand, an arm around her waist. He did it for Mary’s sake, so she felt like she was loved… But he couldn’t do that with William most of the time. They’d get yelled at, harassed.. He never wanted that. “We can watch one tonight, I don’t think I’ve packed the movies up yet.”

He laughed shaking his head. “Oh no, they’ll ask me about places and I’ll say something like the Eiffel Tower is in London.” He blushed softly. He had never traveled outside of Dublin. He had meant too..Meant to take Mary to London to see the culture, the plays all she loved so much..then he and William had talked about traveling, Declan taking a break and traveling with him.. But that didn’t happen either.. “Well we’ll just be the most cultured individuals in Kenmare.” He teased, sure he was wrong about himself. William was cultured, he knew things, had been places. All Declan knew about was watches, clocks, radios.. simple things. He loved hearing about William’s stories, about his adventures, but it did make Declan feel simple.

"Well, I love that you’re my problem. Best problem I could imagine having." Declan chuckled still smiling at him. He kept smiling as William talked about why he liked watching the games. He should have known. "I started watching it with my old man, but like you it was for the ‘wrong’ reasons. It grew on me though, now I like it for the sport." He admitted, hoping to ease William’s embarrassment. "I think that’s the point with the band uniform, everyone looking the same. Keeps you from being distracted from the music."

Declan blushed softly as the waitress and William raised eyebrows at his pronunciation. Had he really messed it up that badly? He chuckled as William admitted that he should have made him order something beyond his usual dish. “That would be mean.” He grinned softly. “If you want I can share mine with you, I mean you may not want any, just in case.” He didn’t think anything into William’s order, he may not have wanted any sushi, but he could still offer.

William offered a smile in return as Declan finished joking around. He had been speaking his thoughts out loud before, letting his mind wander as he lost focus on what he was saying, and it took Declan's suggestion to bring him back. His focus fell on Declan as he wondered if he had unplugged everything under the TV stand, "Can you get the VCR to work?" He blushed, guilt apparent on his face, "I may have taken it down when I was trying to 'help' pack." William continued, "I didn't pack anything away, though. I may have just unplugged it." He wasn't incapable of setting up the VCR but he trusted that Declan was better. There were too many wires behind the TV and he didn't want to sort through them more than he had already tried to. "You're not going to make me watch one of those black and white pictures with no sound are you?" William didn't mind, he enjoyed a variety of movies, but Declan's taste could often differ from his own and he was curious to know what he had in mind.

"Well, I'd hope you wouldn't make a mistake like that." He shook his head in disbelief, "They might think you're taking a piss." William could only hope that people would like Declan, he loved him, but he honestly didn't know how people would react to him. First impressions could be the only ones they held onto. "I'm not sure if they'd find it funny, though." His expression was blank as he spoke and he followed it up with a shrug, he wasn't able to speak for his family or those around them so he was avoiding being biased with his beliefs. It was just an idea. "Cultured, well, there's a word I haven't heard before." He let out a scoff that lead into a chuckle, he was amused by his own words, "Yeah, we're cultured folk." William doubted that Declan had meant it in the way that he was taking it but he also knew that he hadn't met many gay men in his hometown, and the ones he had were further in the closet than he ever was. Residents may find them cultured, among other things he didn't say out loud.

William felt like more than a problem, he was a burden. Perhaps not now, but someday. It could change, he supposed, if there were drugs out there that he wanted to take. Ones that he trusted, but until then, he could only see himself as a burden. Not just for Declan, but his family. Briefly, he had considered just leaving everything and everyone in order to fight his illness on his own but he couldn't do that. He needed people around him, even if at times he felt selfish for it. William didn't let Declan in, he didn't want to tell him everything that was going through his mind so he just smiled, "I'm glad to be your problem." His face lit up, "I love hearing stories from your past." William may have traveled more than Declan but he hadn't lived as many years. He shook his head, "Have you seen my band pictures? My jacket is actually pretty distracting."

"I know, and that's why I didn't do it." He shook his head no, "I'm alright. I'll order something else if I'm still hungry." It was a lie, and one he told with ease. William was beginning to feel bad that he had gotten so good at lying lately.

Packing Up a Life II William

Declan didn’t believe in ghosts. He didn’t believe in anything. He used to believe in god and the devil, raised a good Catholic. As an adult he lapsed, only going so Mary wouldn’t chastise him on Sunday mornings. Then Mary got sick.. He yelled at god, cursed him. Why did he do that to Mary, sweet Mary who had never hurt anyone.. He still went to church with her, prayed with her at night, never meaning any of it. It was just whispers to nothing. He stopped going to church, stop praying when Mary died. If there was a god and he let Mary suffer and die, Declan wanted nothing to do with him. When Declan found out William was sick, he thought for a split second about praying.. But if he had learned anything for church, it was that god didn’t help those that didn’t repent and that homosexuality was a sin.. Declan couldn’t repent his love for William, he didn’t see anything wrong with it. So he never prayed.. Just hoped that the doctors and medicine could save him… “It’s Ireland there’s ghosts everywhere. We’re probably sitting by them right now.”

He rolled his eyes as William covered his mouth. He knew what was hidden behind his hand, a smirk, a laugh.. But at least William was laughing. He loved making William laugh..he didn’t do it enough. Neither of them did. He hoped, that maybe moving out of the city, to a slower life, a place that William loved, would held him relax. “Unagi..” He repeated, trying to pronounce it like William had, sure he butchered it. “That sounds right.” He didn’t know any better really, but William wouldn’t let him order something gross.

Worry filled he eyes as William let the menu hit the table. Was he alright? Was he having trouble? Or did he just say something wrong? He wanted to ask..but that would embarrass him… He didn’t want to ruin their date night. But then he was joking, attempting to at least, making Declan smile softly. “Hm, you aren’t all roses either Mr. Brennan.” He chuckled, winking back playfully. “Yes, we’re all going to have fun without you, unless you decided you like football, then you’re more than welcome to watch it with us.” He doubted all of it. William’s family would never accept him, if his parents were like his brother who he was sure disapproved of him..

Declan’s hands fiddled with his napkin, the silence was awkward.. There was so much he wanted to talk about. How the doctors had called earlier in the day.. He wanted to know why. What their life was going to be like in Kenmare, would William still work enough to cover them both or did Declan need to pick up some jobs. He didn’t mind, he didn’t know what else he’d be doing.. He hoped they’d spend time together…But William really loved working, so he didn’t count on that.

"Oh good.. I want you there honestly. I think having you there will make it easier.." He never put giving his shop up on William. William gave him the option to stay here, with his life in Dublin or come with him. For Declan there was no question. He’d go with William. Dublin, the shop, that was all his past. William, for however short of a time it may be. was his future. "So you’ll be ready around noon?" He teased softly, smiling at the waitress came up. He nodded, deciding to go with what William said "Um yes, I’ll have the unagi." He nodded his head towards William, letting the waitress take his order next.

William scooted closer to Declan as if the idea of ghosts sitting next to him made him uncomfortable. "I hope they don't follow us back." Ghosts from his past haunted him more than the thought of a spirit being nearby. "People will complain, we'll have to get an exorcist and our moving date would be delayed." Although he had been joking before, he stopped to consider the situation realistically. "Do exorcists even take care of ghosts?" He wasn't sure if they were only responsible for demons. William played with his chopsticks as he gave the question more thought, "I need to start watching more movies."

He didn't have any intentions of misleading Declan but he knew that he could have if he wanted to. William could have ordered anything off the menu but he decided to stick to what he was sure Declan liked. Besides, after laughing at his situation it would have just been cruel. "Almost." William spoke in reference to the way Declan had pronounced the word Unagi. "You've spent so much time with me that people are going to think you're a well traveled man." He paused as he thought about his town. With a smirk he continued, "Then again, most folks back home have never even been to Dublin. You've got them beat there."

"I know." He sighed once the words left his lips but he didn't give away any indication that he was upset. William wished that he hadn't caused problems for everyone. He wanted to go back to being the annoying little brother. Being the brother that was sick and causing everyone to worry was not ideal. "It's a curse, being the younger brother." William played it off as if that's all he meant, as he was sure that Declan hadn't meant to imply anything about his health being a pain for everyone. "Well, you see, the problem is that I end up watching it for all the 'wrong' reasons." A soft blush filled his cheeks, "I can keep up for awhile but then I get distracted by all the players. I always had a preference for band. It was far less distracting. No one looks good in their band uniform."

He wanted to be offended but he honestly couldn't be. "Hopefully." William figured he would be ready by ten, if not earlier, but the extra two hours were nice to consider. William listened as Declan ordered, he raised a brow at his pronunciation but he was impressed that he tried. When it was his turn he ordered a soup and a salad. After their waitress left he turned back to Declan, "I should have made you order something you've never tried before."