I don’t think I will ever tell someone this.
The other day my friend said that she would be okay with her husband cheating if their marriage had been very disrupted and unsure, and that if it did happen she would understand why and still try to better their relationship.
Then I explained that I could never do that, and that if my husband or even boyfriend ever cheated on me I would just drop it right away and I think I got very passionate and angry when I was saying this, because I surprised her and the first thing she said was:
“What the hell has happened to make you so bitter about cheating?”
And obviously I couldn't answer that because I didn't know the answer myself.
But I have now realised what it was. Because almost 4 years ago my father asked for a divorce from my mother and then my mother became sure it was because he was cheating, and they are still together now however this paranoia has completely ruined my mother.
She now completely invades his privacy and looks through his stuff and is constantly trying to catch him out on whatever he says.
My father often works aboard and as you can imagine this doesn’t help.
There are several phone calls exchanged every day, along with accusations and empty conversations.
There is no trust and I know my father doesn’t love her anymore.
I don’t think my mother loves him either but they do not know a life where the other is not involved and I think this scares them the most.
So I am bitter about cheating because even the fear of it has ruined my parents life and subsequently ruined mine too.
Because in the last four years I have lost count of the amount of times this fear of cheating and its affects, has caused me to drag a razor across my skin so that I can no longer hear the screams and the banging of doors.
But of course I can’t tell my friend about this, because this would all make me attention seeking and a coward about my problems.
Because sharing this makes me weak,
And being weak means I am not accepted.
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