I turned my caps lock back on after getting myself a birthday gift. I’m 31 now and I bought myself a new iPhone. Honestly, materials haven’t excited me in a very long time. Very. Long. Time.
A few things have affected my perspective of materials and having. My brother gifting me Jordans and fresh gear as a kid, just for me to run them to the ground. My cousin collecting shoes and gifting me exclusive pumas, reflective glow in the dark jordans (plenty pairs), hightop nikes, PF Flyers, Chuck Taylor’s, and all exclusive shoes that were hard to get hands on that made me stand all the way out…all the way through high school just for me to grow out of them and have to either sell or give them away (guess which one I cheerfully did!!!). What was more pivotal than I’ve ever given credit though was sleeping in a healthy 2 parent home in a house on the outskirts of the city while basically living in Englewood with the babysitter which had generations of children all living under her roof. Seeing both sides of the coin always has subconsciously wired me to be how I am more than I ever speak on…but also, just being around my father and showing me that money isn’t everything because what we had (family, friends, church community) felt like EVERYTHING.
My father and the men in my life raised me the right way. Although my father struggled financially until his death, he is easily the richest man I’ve ever known. Full of gems, knowledgeable but also down to earth, with experiences and wisdom that shaped him into having something you can’t put a dollar amount on. His love for people spread way beyond just people he knew personally.
The wealthiest man I’ve ever known on this side of heaven is now living luxuriously on the other side of the stars. You did it dad, and thank you for leaving all of the rich love and knowledge you had left with me and others before you left here. Before you passed away, within one of our final conversations, you told me that you wish you could give me something for the wedding once i proposed. I heard it in your tone that you were disappointed in yourself, AS IF THAT MATTERED!! I wish I would’ve stopped you right there (and the other time you mentioned it) and just hugged and gave you all of the love I have!!!! Dad, you’ve given me so much, and I’m sorry you even felt like less of a man for not having money to give. You’ve taught me money isn’t everything, and God always provides. You’ve given me things and dreams money can’t buy, and your investment in me shows in every interaction I have with strangers and loved ones the same. They all have synoptic messages about me, and I credit you and mom for making me the way I am.
I just appreciate having comfortability and being able to have when wanted. Although that hasn’t been the case as frequently since moving to live on my own, increasing spending for…well everything that comes with living alone, while paying on loans (and loans taken to pay off loans), while having a fluctuating credit score (this time 3 years ago I was @ 800), while managing a music career, while balancing a relationship with an amazing woman that lives in luxury (who always reminds me she wasn’t born in it…but she’s far removed…I mean she’s only had luxury cars, and my dad was putting tape on his until he kicked the can…shoot, my car right now got a little gorilla glue on it)…I’m extremely grateful.
Recently I’ve been finding myself waking up after having vivid dreams of being with my dad (whether it’s car rides, or other things that reminds me of our intimate moments while growing up) either screaming myself awake or bawling when I realize you’re really not here physically. No one prepares you for how harsh the reality hits you and how painful it is, so I find myself literally trying not to think about it. My body is literally protecting me from the pain. But that pain is price of love. AND YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT EXPENSIVE. The wealthier the love is the heftier the bill is. This was easily the steepest bill yet, but if I could come back for seconds I would in a heartbeat.
I love you dad. So much. So much. So much. So much. So much. So much. So much. So much. So much. So much. So much so much. So much. So much. So much. So much. So much. So much. So much. So much.
Oh and by the way, I have a really strong gut feeling that I’m on my last days of not being able to afford living comfortably and having whatever I want whenever I want it. So thank you dad, men in my life, and all experiences that has lead to right now and my mentality towards materials. God is the absolute greatest and I’m so thankful.
