ive made a lot of self-inserty ocs in my time, and if you'd look at them all you'll see most of the time theyre the child/little sister of one of the characters. one of the characters who is kind. who cares. who loves. who wont leave her or hurt her or lie to her or hate her. who is stong and will protect her. im realizing all those inserts are just because the connections and relationships i give to her is what i desperately wish for.
i just want someone to see my pain and take me into their arms and let me crawl onto their lap and hide in the crook of their neck. i want someone to gently pet my hair and let me cry on their shoulders. i want someone to see me, all of me, all my flaws and cuts and marks and failures and faults and all my ugliness and mistakes and all the mean things ive done, and i want them to say that its ok. that they love me anyway and that im only human and that its ok to hurt sometimes. i want someone to see my cuts and my bruises and hold me gently anyway, i want someone who'll get a warm towel and clean my wounds and tell me im still beautiful. that im not ruined. that i still have worth.
i want to be able to put down the masks and the pretend in front of another person and still feel safe. i dont want to feel like i have to run away whenever the tears come because im scared they'll see me as weak and useless and pathetic and dumb and annoying and a waste.
i want someone i can trust to tell the truth tell me im pretty, and that despite how much ive been hurt i can still be kind, and that im still loved and that its not to late for me to be a better person, that im not already a horrible person. that im just a kid who made a lot of mistakes. i want someone to hold me and let me cry and tell me that it wasnt my fault, that i was just a child and that it shouldn't have been my responsibility in the first place.
i just want to able to be the small one, the young one, the one who is comforted instead of always having to comfort others. i just want a family where i can act like the youngest, because thats what i am, instead of being forced to be the adult.
i just want a father who cares about me, that i dont have to constantly fear is going to come back into my life and hurt me again, that didnt tell me how awful and ugly and pathetic i am over and over and over and over until i had no choice but to believe him, that didnt hate me. that didnt leave me. that didnt make it very clear that he would always put the needs and wants of himself and his girlfriend before the needs of his child. i wish i didnt know what being unwanted felt like at 7 years old.
i want a mother who that i can cry on without having to be aware of how she's feeling, that i can talk to without feeling like i have to constantly censor myself to not give away just how much she messed me up, that i can hug and be comforted by instead of feeling like my skin is burning every time she touches me. i dont want to be forced to be a therapist to my own mother, hearing all the things i have in common with my father and how all those qualities make a person terrible. i wish i didnt know how to stop crying on command, how to be numb and empty at 12 years old.
i want a big brother who will protect me instead of hurt me, i want to be able to look at my brother and know he'll chase all the monsters away instead of being the monster. i wish i wasnt forced to have this specific room because its the only room where the door opens in, so that he cant open it if he wants to hurt me. i dont want to have to think about what i'd do if he stops pulling his punches one day and kills my mother. or if he kills my dog. or if he kills me. I dont want to be forced to hide all the fragile things because he might break them. i dont want to live in a house where we have to hide the knives because you never know what he'll do. i wish i didnt know how to quickly hide the fragile and valuable things and how to take the hits and hide the pain and hide the fear at seeing my mother on the floor after being beaten by my big brother at 10 years old.
i wish i lived a life where im not scared that everyone i love will hurt me. i wish i had a family who are the reason i wake up in the morning instead of being the reason i want to go back to sleep.
i wish i had a family i could look at and honestly and truthfully say, "i know they would mourn me if i killed myself."
but i cant say that. because i genuinely dont know if they would.
and i think the most terrible thing of all, is that i dont know if i would mourn them either
and that thought is terrifying to me
andulkaphoto
jbbartram-illu
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annaxmalina
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