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Heavy is The Head

Not letting this get me down Head is heavy ‘cos of my crown Don’t feel bad or defeated Don’t feel hurt or unneeded I put faith in love, light and hope Let go the hurt, put down the rope Man, life can be so God damn hard But I chose this role, I’ll play the part Keep my head up and wear a smile Even if I feel bad for a while Moping around has never done me good Even when I feel like it could I’ll never let myself fall and stay down I’ll never, ever give up this crown

<3 Elle

#inner peace #inner strength #the struggle #heavy is the head

How to Lose a Good Woman

I’ve been a nurturer for so long in this relationship and I feel like not much of that has been returned. I need time to find myself.

I need space.

You managed to temporarily convince me that love can conquer this slump and I’ve stayed with you. As the days pass, I realize that your unapologetic neediness is what has been bothering me the most. You expect me to take care of you because you believe it’s my job to do so. I have enough on my plate just taking care of myself. Sometimes I feel like you’re a dependent of mine and not my partner. There’s a reason I don’t have kids right now.

And you love my gender-role. If we’re going to play gender-roles, you should at least provide for me financially and that’s not happening either. What IS happening is, I’m picking up your slack financially and taking care of your physical and emotional needs. Even with all that, you don’t genuinely care to spend quality time with me. That’s not right.

Case in point, this weekend. You bailed out on my friend’s birthday get-together last minute and went to a neighborhood party by your mom’s instead. Came home at 4am. Then, you spent all day today out with your friends and left me alone, still.

I’ll be gone all of next week, traveling for work. I’d think you’d want to spend some time with me before I go. Nope. I guess it’s too much to ask.

I’m over it.

I love you very much but where’s your effort?

I’m not happy.

You’re not trying with actions.

I am trying to be optimistic and tell myself we’ll be fine but I am not willing to put in as much effort as I have in the past because I don’t have much left to give.

I don’t want to be mean or unresponsive to your affection but I also don’t want to put in ¾ of the effort that goes into this relationship and that’s where I feel like I’ve been. If you want to make it work, you need to get with it.

#why we broke up #no effort #zero fucks #fail #breakup #too much for you #finding myself #self worth #self love

Four Agreements

I’ve noticed a change in myself lately. I’ve been more optimistic. I am feeling like so long as I believe in myself, things will fall into place as they should. I have faith in myself and what awaits me in the future. I am destined for greatness. I am rebuilding my self-confidence. I lost it at some point in time and it’s taken me a while to get to a good place completely.

I remember saying that I wanted to lose weight to gain self-confidence. I wanted to stop bingeing so that I could feel better about myself. Instead, I accidentally found my self-confidence and inadvertently slowed my bingeing. I don’t need food as much as I thought I did before. As a result, I’ve lost more weight than when I was “trying” to lose weight.

I read The Four Agreements and it inspired me to make my own personal agreements –

1. I am incredibly smart and talented, and uniquely good looking. 2. I do not take things personally. Whatever people think of me is none of my business and is not a reflection of me but of themselves. 3. I am impeccable with my word. I do not talk about other people’s business and only speak highly of the people I do speak about. If I have nothing nice to say, I don’t say anything at all or I change the subject. In some instances, I speak up out of courage to affirm that I do not partake in gossip. 4. I have the power to choose whether I am living in hell or heaven on earth. I choose to be in heaven through my thoughts, actions, and words. Suffering is a choice, unhappiness is a choice. Anxiety is a choice. I choose happiness and tranquility.

These are my 4 personal agreements. They are what reminds me of how to be a good person. These are my rules for being the best be that I can be. I want my energy to be high. I want to vibrate at a high frequency so that good can continue to come my way. I will also continue to document my goals and desires. I’ve found that doing so helps me achieve them. I desire them, then I document them, then I accomplish them.

Desire, manifest, repeat.

#spiritualwarrior #desire #manifest #fouragreements #happiness #self confidence #self love #self worth

Another One

Sometimes you appear in my dreams, though never in a good context. You’re usually trying to convince me; persuade me into doing things I know I shouldn’t do.

I fought you so hard the last time. You had someone you took for granted and I had someone I loved dearly. I told you we couldn’t and shouldn’t but you somehow got the best of me. Or maybe the worst.

I can’t explain why I get excited when I see you, or when I think I see you, rather. All the people I’ve run into from my past, somehow you haven’t been one of them.

Where are you? What’s really become of your life? What have you become? Who do you hang out with?

I once had so much faith in you. You let me down. Another one for the books.

We’re Just Lobsters Anyway

There is a calmness in my being today though i am aware that there are a lot of things i’d like to accomplish. not only today, in the near future in general. there are so many exciting things that are coming for 2017, i can taste it. it’s so close!

i heard something last night about lobsters and how they grow over the span of their lives but their shells don’t. once they start feeling uncomfortable in their shells, they find a place to hide under the rocks and they shed their shell in order to create a new one that will fully cover and protect their growing bodies. They repeat this process over and over during the span of their lives to assure maximum growth. we should all be like lobsters in that sense. for some reason, we torture ourselves with these shells that clearly no longer fit and wonder why things are not working out for us in our lives. we wonder why we are stuck and stalled in growth. i don’t think so many of us realize that we must shed our shells if we want to grow into something larger and more powerful. i think shell shedding means moving onto bigger and better things in this analogy. as humans, we know when it’s time to move on from something. our bodies and every fiber in our being lets us know that it’s time to move past what our comfort zone once was so that we can create a new comfort zone that will allow us to take advantage of the opportunities we didn’t have when we were in our smaller shells. This is what i was trying to accomplish when i broke it off with Chris* a few weeks ago. my reasoning was having grown out of the relationship. i didn’t feel as though he had kept up with my evolution and it was causing a lot of disagreements and altogether discomfort for me. i felt as though we were not on the same page and so i was wasting my time forcing myself to make it work. since then, i’ve stayed with him to do my best to work things out. i am being more patient and finding ways to communicate my messages differently and in a way that he can hopefully appreciate. i’m being more open and honest about how i feel and making sure to do so with a cooperative tone that encourages conversation. i need him to work with me though. he’s been trying over the past couple of weeks but he’s so simple minded that it seems as though he’s only trying so that i don’t get “crazy”. in his mind i’m psychotic. i don’t understand why he’s still here then...maybe he’s the crazy one. i know that i’m not the easiest person to love.

lots of people think that i’m extremely smart and i’ll agree with that. the caveat to having an accelerated brain is the side effects that come along with being an overly active thinker. i suffer greatly from anxiety at times because i naturally overthink things. i realize this and as a result i work hard to minimize the impact that my anxiety has on me and i also try very hard to prevent my anxious tendencies. this isn’t something that simple minded people have to deal with. they don’t have as many thoughts flowing through their heads as someone like me does. it’s a blessing and a curse that my brain is always trying to work through ways to be better and more efficient. a blessing because it’s gotten me this far (which is pretty far compared to a lot of other people my age) and a curse because i am burdened by the side effects of trying so hard to make it...to keep my status while i bump myself up to a new level and then to just keep going. i push myself so hard because i realize that i only have one life to live and i want to make it as great as possible. i want to sit back 5 years from now and be proud of all of the things that I’ve accomplished during my 20’s. it’s what i do now to be honest. lots of times i just sit back and think of how grateful i am to have pushed myself out of my comfort zone so many times over the past few years. i’ve built up so much courage and it’s helped me become who i am. i am eternally in awe over how bright my future can be if i just keep working hard to get the things i ultimately desire. simultaneously, i sit back and think at how far i’ve come over the past 5 years alone.

what blows my mind is how average i was in school. nothing was served to me on a silver platter, ever. i screwed my grades up in high school and almost didn’t graduate because i had too many absences in my English Honors class. All of my stupid mistakes during those earlier years taught me a lot. I read somewhere once that wisdom is nothing more than having learned from stupid mistakes. i made a lot of stupid mistakes growing up but i appreciate each and every single one of them because i recognize the lessons i learned by making them. i would not be half of the person i am today had it not been for the freedom my family gave me to make my stupid mistakes. i also didn’t grow up with any successful role models. there was no one in my family educated enough to push me through the process the right way. my oldest brother did the best he could to help guide me but he left as i was graduating high school. i had very little guidance and way too much independence during the years that most people have the most rearing. between the ages of 15 and 18 i worked as hard as i could to do the right things based on the lessons that my mother taught me before she left. i didn’t do that well but i kept my shit together and survived with the help of my oldest brother. once my uncle passed and my brother moved away, i was fully on my own. post-trauma, i was a bit of a train wreck.

i lost my uncle not long before i lost my grandfather. a man who molested me and said disgusting things to me while i was a young teenager. he once tried to touch my chest while we were alone and i jumped back and didn’t let him. i must have been 15. i was so grossed out that i kept my distance from him until the day he died. i never forgave him for that. he died and i didn’t cry because he passed. i cried because i felt terrible that my grandmother lost her son and husband such a short time apart. i also cried for my father who was going through so much pain and the rest of the family too. i’ve never put this into words but in a way, i was glad he passed because i knew that meant he would never try to touch me again. that may seem somewhat selfish but these are the words of a young teen who wanted nothing more than security in the homes of her relatives; the people who took on the responsibility of keeping her safe while her mother was gone and her father was working. how dare he try to take advantage of my vulnerable state. i never told anyone what he did because i didn’t want to disturb the peace. my family seemed to be so sad that he was getting sicker by the month and that he was addicted to night-quil and couldn’t get up from his bed without an oxygen machine to help him breathe. what would i have done by blowing the whistle on his misbehavior? i would have been a problem. now it’s too late to say anything. the man has been dead almost 10 years...bringing this up now won’t help anyone. though i’m still disgusted by how he acted, more than 10 years later, i have moved past anger and resentment. letting this out on the proverbial pen and paper has also helped me cope with it. The recent facts in sexual assault that have come up in media recently have also helped me cope. coming to terms with the fact that this is something that most, if not all, women face at some point in their lives helped me put things into perspective. it’s helped me not feel as alone and it’s helped me move on from that helpless feeling that always lingered after that day.

#reflection #self-love #life-lessons #growth #women's rights #goals

Life is but a Dream

The title of this post is not an ode to a scripted tell-all HBO series about our generation’s #1 performing artist. No. It’s a realization that my destiny is in no one’s hands but my own.

ghettoredhot

Bernie we know its you

http://www.ghettoredhot.com/i-am-not-bernie/

smoke-stungeyes

Do you ever wonder how much you exist in other people’s lives? I’m always curious if people think of me when a certain song comes on, or when they pass through a certain town. I wonder how many stories I’ve been a part of that I may have forgotten. I wonder if I still I exist in the minds of people that I don’t speak to anymore. I wonder how many times a day I pass through someone’s head.