balefire & bones

system; collectively they/them. body is 24 sad and horny in here. sometimes both at once. MDNI

[wolfskullz]

before you proceed...

this blog is NSFW and contains both sexual and non-sexual adult themes. if you are a minor you should not be here; if you dont have your age in your bio/pinned/etc it will be assumed that you are a minor and you will be blocked.

system host (E or Ant, he/they/it) is transmasc and identifies as gay, while the other user of this blog (Lex, they/them) is androgynous and aroace. the body is white and physically disabled.

this blog will contain content related to:

• NON-SEXUAL age regression

• NON-SEXUAL eating disorder recovery

• mental illness, physical disability, pain, and other assorted health issues

• discussion of both current and previous drug use

• explicit posts regarding our traumas (of which there are many!)

• BDSM

• blood/gore/guro

• CNC (consensual non-consent); this includes hypno, somno, and mind control

• intoxication (specif. in a kink context)

• dacryphilia (fancy word that just means i think its hot when people cry sometimes)

• breeding

• petplay & pet regression (both sexual and non-sexual)

• cg/l

this blog WILL NOT contain content related to detrans, misgendering, raceplay, ageplay/sexual age regression, scat, vomit, urine, fetishization of disability, incest, or anything sexual involving those unable to give consent (minors, animals). these are all HARD boundaries and blogs containing that manner of content will be blocked.

[wolfskullz]

sometimes i wonder if any of my long-term friends are even still my friends anymore. it feels like none of them want to spend time with me unless they get to control the circumstances -- but when i have the bravery to ask if we can hang out in My comfort zone it always seems like i'm asking too much.

"well i need to be in control of (environment/activity/etc)" yeah i feel that way often too, and i am asking you to meet me in my comfort zone.

"well i'm just so busy that i--" yeah i am too and i am giving you many many different options for time and setting, but for some reason it's seemingly only okay if we do it on YOUR terms?

"well my (insert a condition we share that effects us in many of the same ways) won't LET me--" yes it will because i do it for you all the fucking time. i step out of my comfort zone for you constantly. i am asking you to do it this one time for me.

[wolfskullz]

and like it's never the people who are actually struggling That hard to find room in their schedule. it's always the people who have been sitting on call on discord all day and won't respond to my messages, who ask to hang out and then when i offer a hangout plan for once they ghost me for a week before they tell me they had something come up. and the worst part is that i can't even tell if i'm reading too deep into it

[wolfskullz]

sometimes i wonder if any of my long-term friends are even still my friends anymore. it feels like none of them want to spend time with me unless they get to control the circumstances -- but when i have the bravery to ask if we can hang out in My comfort zone it always seems like i'm asking too much.

"well i need to be in control of (environment/activity/etc)" yeah i feel that way often too, and i am asking you to meet me in my comfort zone.

"well i'm just so busy that i--" yeah i am too and i am giving you many many different options for time and setting, but for some reason it's seemingly only okay if we do it on YOUR terms?

"well my (insert a condition we share that effects us in many of the same ways) won't LET me--" yes it will because i do it for you all the fucking time. i step out of my comfort zone for you constantly. i am asking you to do it this one time for me.

[wolfskullz]

woke up with bruises on both knees and no idea where they came from. there were no bruises when i went to sleep and i don't remember a single event from yesterday that could have led to this.

i'm scared i started sleepwalking again, or that it's a sign that one of the others has been switching in while i'm asleep and going for little adventures at night. i'm like 🤏 this close to setting up a camera in our room so we can find out what's going on.

i wish this didn't happen. i wish i could have normal problems instead of whatever this shit is.

[wolfskullz]

this pain pill better kick in soon or i'm taking another one before i go to work >:(

[wolfskullz]

man, this is gonna suck bc i'm not used to breaking up with people. i can already tell i'm not gonna be nice abt it, this dude crossed SEVERAL lines, but ughhhhh i hate being mean. i hate when people give me a reason to throw up my guard and get mean.

[wolfskullz]

actually it's fucked up for me to feel bad abt it ngl. bro disrespected my boundaries and my body, lied to my face like he thought i was stupid multiple times, refused to communicate basic things (i.e., not asking to touch me in certain places, not sharing expenses on dates, flirting with other people despite talking up how he "doesn't need anybody else," touching on other ppl in front of me and then turning around and saying it didn't happen).

we had a whole conversation abt how one of the performers we saw was minorly bothered* by some dude touching her without asking. i divulged that i esp don't stand for that shit bc i got raped recently, by a dude i met at the bar we were at in the moment. THIS MAN STILL GROPED ME IN PUBLIC NONCONSENSUALLY MINUTES LATER, and then said he "fOrGoT" that i had already told him not to do that directly. like i SWEAR i am not getting mad abt nothing this mf really just seems to want me to crash out!!!

(* = apparently the performer wasn't upset by it, but still. there are basic rules abt getting clear consent before touching the performers, and this rando creep did not follow them)

[wolfskullz]

man, this is gonna suck bc i'm not used to breaking up with people. i can already tell i'm not gonna be nice abt it, this dude crossed SEVERAL lines, but ughhhhh i hate being mean. i hate when people give me a reason to throw up my guard and get mean.

[wolfskullz]

coughing up blood for seemingly no reason, as if this wretched physical form has decided that i'm not having a dramatic enough day, might as well be something that happens to me i guess!

[wolfskullz]

woke up with mystery surprise injuries and the apartment a mess, spilled food while cleaning up, had a brief but intense breakdown about Father's Day weekend, spat up blood not once but Twice, and now you're telling me i have to MAKE AND EAT LUNCH?? after ALL THAT? be so real with me rn.

[wolfskullz]

coughing up blood for seemingly no reason, as if this wretched physical form has decided that i'm not having a dramatic enough day, might as well be something that happens to me i guess!

[wolfskullz]

how do i explain to this dude (who seems to think he's the dom in our dynamic) that the more self-absorbed he behaves, the more it activates my brat tamer instincts

[wolfskullz]

i remember something and it won't stop haunting me tonight

i don't know how old i was. 3? maybe younger?

i was at my aunt and uncle's house for the weekend. and suddenly something changed. my aunt took me into her and my uncle's room, and she shut the curtains, and she locked the door behind her

she told me my uncle was outside but he would be back. she said we needed to be very quiet for a little while, but then after that i could watch cartoons.

and i was a well-behaved kid. so i listened and we were quiet. i don't know if i remember hearing voices outside or if it's just because i know what was happening now, retroactively. i just remember having a sense that Something Was Off. something was Strange. and that sense was right

while i was playing the quiet game with my aunt, my uncle was outside talking to my biological mother and her then-boyfriend. they were spun out, and they had shown up there to try and take me. because they found out from someone that i was staying the weekend.

my uncle managed to convince them to leave. i think. he came back inside and i watched cartoons and they made me green beans for lunch

sometimes that uncanny sense of offness sneaks up on me. and it's not for any real reason, other than being seared into the wrinkles of my brain. but there is nobody here to tell me everything will be okay if we're just small and quiet for a little while. and making the feeling go away is rarely ever so simple nowadays

[februarytrash]

being sad and horny is a privilege

[gummi-stims]

🕷️🐾Lil spider paws🐾🕷️

[wolfskullz]

i like that i can be nice sometimes now. i like that not everyone is afraid of me anymore. its a good feeling.

[ieafy]

Green bugs! (sticker sheet in shop :)

[wolfskullz]

period late again. very late. the "i can't even remember if i had one LAST month and it still hasn't started" kind of late

[wolfskullz]

my sister is halfway to the point i was at when i had my miscarriage. it hurts.

[wolfskullz]

i love her so much and i'm excited to be an uncle. i was the family babysitter for a long time and i interact so naturally with kids. i can't stop thinking that my Daisy would be having her first birthday this year