undiagnosed: five years of chronic pain
you're 21, junior in college
you feel a pain spring up
it'll go away in a few days.
and slowly weeks creep by and the pain
is not going anywhere and
it spreads to your back and hips and legs
and you lay on your couch curled up
they start with the obvious:
you have failed in some way.
in relation to your peers
and realize: i am no worse at these things
the question occurs to you:
why, then, would i have this pain
it is a logical deduction,
and yet your mind slips off it.
it is so easy to blame yourself.
so, for awhile, the excuses are enough.
until, suddenly, they are not
and you demand something more.
the usual suspects are considered.
by this time you have realized
that doctors can be fallible,
so you have done your own research.
you follow along as, one by one,
conditions are ruled out.
the deficiencies: your b12 and d
are within acceptable ranges
and you take your vitamin d once a week
and hours spent moaning on the couch
remain relatively stagnant.
now for mechanical causes:
minor flaws in your bodily anatomy are noted
and suggested - mild scoliosis,
none of them fit quite right.
the blood tests, of course
rheumatoid arthritis and psoriasis and
eagerly you await the phone call
that gives you the answer,
here is what is wrong and now
we can finally try to fix it
or at least, slow its progress.
or, at least, name the thing.
that there is nothing they can find.
despair wells up inside you.
in between visits, you research.
collect possible suspects
this will ultimately do nothing
all bubble to the surface and
for something to finally prove
that you really actually are feeling this pain
that you aren't making it up
when the genetic test is normal,
you're feeling anything at all.
you try to reason with your brain,
convince yourself it isn't hurting
what you're feeling isn't pain,
this is how every human feels
and you're just too weak to handle it.
and the time between appointments
shuffled from specialist to specialist
six months, a year of waiting
the pain ebbing and flowing
and getting better and getting worse
as you wait and wait and wait
to tell you the next test
that will come up negative once again
and send you into despair all over.
and with every negative test, you hear
one more thing to rule out."
but your list of candidates grows smaller
when they're all crossed out?
the word "idiopathic" looms in the background,
tossed into the bargain bin of diagnoses,
the implicit failure of the science
you used to trust with your health
admitting that your symptoms
are a ghost in their machines.
at some point during this process
you find it impossible not to cry
during each new appointment.
you ask for copies of your scans
that the radiologist missed,
skimming medical journals and trying
while also trying not to convince yourself
of something that is not there.
and you are so, so tired.
it's easier to just stop trying.
it's not really so bad, most days.
that there isn't another way.
you can't let your doctors
you have to make them listen
that your body isn't lying to you,
i know what pain feels like!
what i'm feeling is fucking real!
and, once again, i write down
