Life is not a race, it is a divine unfolding

Eden. A keeper of the little ordinary goodnesses in life, and a poet on some days. This is an archive of my work. 

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You’ll Have To Open Your Hands To See It Go

I push my hand Through the curtains. It’s not the same light. It can’t be.

My heart could move mountains, It could melt frost. It could change fates, But my heart could not change your heart.

I am still reeling, I am still just myself. I still know everything in glances, I’m sure beyond words of all I felt—

That you meant the world to me, This much, I’ll let go of. That I’ll recover, I’m set on making truth of.

Till then, there’s sun above me, Days of making light my home. Past that, there’s future to make memory, Nights of crying till I land on hope.

I’ll trust not myself, But in the rhythm of keeping faith with myself.

I’ll trust not my ceaseless beckoning, My stubborn clinging To what dragged me into hell. I’ll trust not the foolishness in me That loved you at cost of myself.

Like glaciers melting into sea, Like stone wearing to sand, Like ships tossing endlessly, To finally shatter on land,

I’ll trust in where I’ll end up, In where I’m going, That this ache in me Will melt.

It’s the promise I’m keeping, I’m here with me Still.

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The First Day of Forever

When you first died, I thought, Your sickness was finally through, The sadness was at an end.

I was glad, You wouldn’t cry anymore, We wouldn’t play pretend, Of all we’d do When you were better again.

I sat in your room, And cried that evening, Tried to hold your hand, But it felt more like reaching for it.

Everyone sent flowers, Everyone sent friends, I sat by your corpse, And sang you home again.

Now you’re laying there, I sit inside of this.

Where you won’t be, What I won’t have again.

Everyone in the world has their father, I don’t have any left.

Everyone in the world has someone to call, My voice won’t reach you again.

Now is the first day of forever Trying with everything in me To throw my head back and laugh In a world that has no you in it.

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I Think I’m Brave Enough To Read Poems Again

At first, after you went away, I couldn’t bear them. It seemed to me all they would explain Is how everything ends. My dear friends, oldest comforts, Couldn’t save me then. Maybe they were as paint flakes Touched by a blind man, When all I could see was survival I daren’t dream of savoring. When all I had in me was running, I couldn’t speak of slowness. All I could say to myself was Live! Keep on living! Find fields in purple-spring-richness, Find myself day after day, laughing. So today it was Mary told me: Be good-natured and untidy in your exuberance. Which I’ll take to heart, Which I can spin quickly into practice. Grief is not the last thing to hold me, I believe joy, too, can hold my hand. That these voices will always whisper to me That this life is bitter and gracious and heavensent, Now, I’ll take these fragments, bow my head, And listen to them.

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New days

Trails of fresh snow, Untouched, undone. One resolve is in my mind— Make this year a happy one.

Even with its wounds, Its tears, blood on stone, Even for all its pains, This world is a place I love.

For all its trails, its dreams, The stars glimmering above. The long days of peacemaking, Those, too, I call home.

What grander calling indeed Than this, just to love? What else could I run towards? Surely I was given arms so I can hold.

No more of endless questioning, Wondering what else is left to come. Only now can I rise each day, Trusting only in one more.

This year, fresh, unmade, Sparkles with newness under the sun. One resolve there is in my mind— Make this life a happy one.

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The last Christmas

With chaos, and uproar, I walked through the door. Ten people in the kitchen, Outside, twenty more. The baby is crying aloud, The dogs are all underfoot. We are sick, and forgotten, But here, here we are loved, And known, and warmed. You’ll not go hungry, You’ll never go cold, Someone wants to hug you, Or take your picture, or Needs your opinion. Who knows now, how Many of us will still be here Next year. Who can tell you what time We are afforded, in life’s little wars. All we have is today, and the gifts it affords. I carried these little pieces of me Home for you, just for you, Over sea and sand and shore. So don’t be lonely, nor disheartened, If it’s the last Christmas, or just another, I’ll love you here and now, All the more, all the more, all the more.

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Trust in the time that will bear you through.

You did the best you could do. What a ginormous mistake, You loved someone who didn’t love you. Isn’t there worse that you could do? Like treating someone as they treated you, Like forgetting the harm you can do.

This alone is what you can take with you, The simplest ways to break in two. Just don’t forget this, too: That you are so loving Is something wonderful in you.

It wasn’t a mistake Just because they lost you, It wasn’t all wasted Because it didn’t end how you wanted it to. Things will start to make sense When it’s not what you’re living through. You’ll find purpose again In regaining the person that is still you. Trust in the hours faithfully barrelling through, Even this parting will find its place within you.

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Sedimentation

Run home, and light shall Soon follow. Go on, your heart Rings not hollow. You’ll grow, You’re not born to wallow. No, no, Your joy was not something borrowed.

You’re in the world, you’re still alive. You can squint a little, through wearied eyes. Even if you’re rusty, try, and try, To believe a little, you’re made for life.

Your strength returns in bounds, But it’s no failing to rest, just for now. On the drive home, you’ll sing out loud. Learn to trust in the gravity of all things, You will make sense of this somehow.

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A Personal Psalm

My Lord, My God, I cry for You through the night As one cries for the morning.

Do not turn Your face From my distress, Do not leave me, I have terrible need of You.

My sorrow seems wider, deeper, fuller, Than all I have ever known. It sweeps through every street, A tide carrying me beyond myself.

When I walk through this world, I will face only horror, only scorn. They see me, and laugh at me, Their laughter turns me to stone.

But You, my Lord, Who loves me, Who made me from love, Call me by name even only once, And I will awake to life once more.

Where there is dark, You have made light. Where there is hurt, You have brought life.

So, too, call me out of myself, Lord, transform me Into an instrument of Your light.

Wherever it is I shall go, You bring me out of the night. I will sing, I will rejoice forevermore, And bask in the warmth of Your light.

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The Night Shall Be As Bright As Day

Awake, all ye citizens Of death and dismay! This, yes, this is the morning Of joy that will not fade.

Come, ye feeble-hearted, Rise now from your graves, Come, ye newly parted, Clear your eyes, stand awake.

We have now only every day To bear gladness, to suffer grace, We have only our every hour To sing in every time and place.

Death, too, lies now broken, The doors once locked give way, And you, who bore the world in fullness, It is you who calls me by name.

Into night, and into darkness, We scatter, one of many waves. On we’ll go, still ever knowing, There is light that shall never break.

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A Prayer of Becoming

Let not this misery Seep into my heart. Allow me the grace Of a brand new start. Keep me in the light Of every new star. Carry me through all I was With all that you are.

I walk after you, It’s never too far. My heart will recover, It won’t even scar. I will sing in the morning With every new lark; You saved me from all I was With all that you are.

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Well, I'm being brave and posting it.

My first chapbook from this year, All That The Light Alters, can be read here. Inside you'll find 50 poems all written by yours truly within this year (2025).

If you do take the time to read any, thank you very much! And if you'd take pity on me and let me know if any are particular favorites of yours, I would appreciate it very much.

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ROMANCE IN TRIPTYCH

Even the silence is an answer Of your voice, telling me as ever: You love me. And my voice, faltering, ugly, Asking you to still want me.

I’ll trip down the road, I’ll beg For anything that you’ve said; I’ll suffer any star, I’ll know That you’ll always lead me home. I’d grown old, I’m growing young, You gave me more than the sun, I’ve seventy sorrows to lug, But one ounce of your laughter— and I’m done!

So no small bit of my faith could give More comfort than your care for me did. I’ll tell you my stories, I’ll grin And bear more than I ever thought I’d live. You stay with me, I know. Your hand’s on my shoulder, even now. And even when I forget this again, You’ll find me in the voice of a friend. So bolster up, girl, and be gone, Your calling is to live and live on.

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Newborn Lessons of Hope

Learn to believe in time, in the season's Old, returning gold. Learn to hold onto more Than any emotion clutching your soul. Learn There is such a thing as blind, faltering trust. Let it into your life, don't let your bravery rust. Look for your hope, become well acquainted With what you don't know. Let lightness Become your home and hollow. Leave Behind frailty, abandon any disbelief. Find your hope in turning over a new leaf. Believe there can be good in any new week. When time keeps turning the cogs, then Find salvation in its ceaseless pitter- Pattering beat. Find you've still got some Dancing left in your feet. And when you Come to edge of all you've believed, Start over. Carry some new dreams. There are still graces left to you and me.

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Following The Entrance Back Into Life

How shall you survive? No— How will you delight? What Will be your salvation, what Will bring you light? Where Will you wander, where shall You go? Who will call your Name for helping, who will You know? When will you Give up the ghosts, when will You fly? If your dancing leads You to the cliffs, will you know Why? When life is through, Will you look back and sigh? Or will you count these days You’ve loved, and grant them Your fondest goodbye? Live, Then, live! And don’t shut your Eyes. Go on, be part of all of it— You have nothing else but time.

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The Post-Love Song

We have it for a moment only— The closest we have to something holy, I’d walk my whole life twice over, Just to once more be so loving.

To live as light itself, beaming wholly, With no thought of any choice but fully, Forwardly earnest, even if it’d gut me, All on the chance of one who’d know me.

I wouldn’t trade it, I regret nothing.

Even in losing it, its grace stuns me.

On I’ll go, my courage doubling, I’ll recall this glow when life troubles me. The stars might laugh at my fumbling, Still I find this warmth ever-encompassing.

I loved, I loved, with all of me. A fool I was not, it was the sun in me. I’ll live on, with more than memory, To love was enough for me.

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The Non-Suicidal Thanksgiving

After years of praying for death, Wanting to live is like a miracle. I don’t want to give it up freely.

My heart bursts, And overflows, A burden to some, But not to anyone Who truly loves me.

In time, I was given Everything I need, Somewhere to be honed, Someone to come to be.

The luck was in holding on, But the luck was also In every hand that held me. That wouldn’t let go, That cared dearly for me.

It takes everything in you to live, A costly price indeed. Thank God you don’t have to do it alone, That there are those who’ll wait for me:

In rain, in snow, in silence, Through time, through pain, through trials. They won’t let go of me.

In the end, there’ll be more love, There’ll be more of me. I hope I can love them well, But to live— is all they ask of me.

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You Will Know It By Its Seriousness

Don’t let me lose you.

If I wander, hook me back in. Use any trick, any mission. Use my laughter, speak through My friends. Surprise me in Every tram’s peaceful rocking. Stay within every candle-flame, Every frost-scorched morning.

Just don’t let me lose you.

Don’t let me go too far, Off every cliff I’m nearing. Don’t let me pour myself out Over every useful version of me. Don’t let me fall into the dark, Fearful of never becoming braver than I am.

Call me back into your country Of peace, of happening. Of brightening, better things. Wherever the country of life may be, May it hold me in its ever-loving arms. May I always call it by its name— gift.

By then, I’ll know, You haven’t lost me. You never will.

So by any name, or calling, By any path, the world ever-sprawling, By any flicker, silent as snow falling, Don’t let me lose you.