Vernal Riot Autumn Brum

they / she / fae / it wormspeaker, wishmaker, wizard of fear, artist, monster, faeral anima

[wormspeaker]

i feel like im doing too much,

i am glad to give her a safe space

but i feel so burnt out

i feel so brainwashed

i feel like she is treating me a little bit like how her ex treated her,

it feels like a lot of my energy goes into her

more than what goes into vernal

[wormspeaker]

i know i am capable of connection

but i dont know if anyone is out there for me

but me

and me provides myself such beautiful love,

but others make me feel so crazy

so disregarded

i want a love that grows and holds and blossoms

i want a love healthy like a massive old growth fruit tree

I want a love consistent like the tides

I want a love i feel at ease in.

[wormspeaker]

things i desire

a bond like friendship for whom i am such a slut

to be able to laugh, play, and make them feel so good

freedom to use me as they see fit when we wish to share the time

freedom to be vulnerable, soft, and small

to be a pest, a romantic, a lover

to create art with them

to create pleasure in them

im so easy, please, just try

take a step towards me

make me your dog,

let me submit to you

to your body

let me drink your cum

your blood

bathe me in it

make them think im yours,

act knowing youre mine

the leash keeps you close

[wormspeaker]

i wonder if you still think of me

i wonder if you do, how it tastes

am i still sweet

or have i gone bitter and stale

do you savor the flavor in your mouth,

or spit it out

i still savor you

both of you

it tasted so good,

every nuance of the flavor

until we reached the rotten part of the course

i like to imagine we all get a second chance

i like to dream that my love was kind enough to consider sharing again

but i dont think thats the case

and im sorry

im sorry to you, for the stress i caused,

im sorry to me for ruining what i loved so much.

i feel as though i have used up every chance for love

that i dont deserve it anymore

that you two were the ones

the ones i had been looking for

and it hurts so much

it was so sweet to be held by you and loved by you

it wasnt sweet to be swept away so much

but i dont care? and i hate it

your love was so beautiful and kind and i just wish i could share it with you again

i miss when people wanted so badly to share love with me

it felt so good to be wanted by you both

im so sorry i wasnt communicative enough

im so sorry i assumed the worst

i just want a chance to do better,

to be a good thing for you both

it would make me so safe

[wormspeaker]

i still miss what could have been

i still miss you both so much

but what could have been is a fantasy

it is not what is, now

now

things are different

one of you caused the trouble yet was most validating of my feelings

one of you regurgitated my feelings like a cough then force fed me your own words

i am glad there is distance

so those people are away from these thoughts,

these what ifs

im happy i have this space to release them

im happy i have this space to release them

how wonderfully i can dream for myself, how it might have gone

i can picture their warmth and love returning with such welcome

but this fantasy

it is not how things are

its not how you feel

neither of you

i cant be sure.

trust has been broken on all fronts

and again

they are away from these thoughts, and i can let them out to go

i can leave the past behind

i dont have to hold onto it

its okay to leave it be

i dont want to trap anyone there,

that traps part of me there too

i want to move on to newer things

happier things, that i can move to having learned,

[wormspeaker]

i confided in you

when i was scared about G i confided in you

i told you my every insecurity i had until i was brave enough to speak to her

you told me you didnt want to hurt things between me and G

then you lied about your connection with me to G

you hid me away and jerked me around whenever you wanted.

my connection with G changed

I dont think G understands that you knew openly how scared I was of doing anything wrong

Of how much of my insecurity you knew about

why did you break my trust like that?

[wormspeaker]

i want to break it

for it to be broken and behind me : curse

the curse

the one where when i feel comfortable it goes away

when i let my guard down it dissappears

why is it always,

i am changing

its never always

i am goriwing growing

i a. changging i am changing for the better

i hate wallowing, i want things to fuckin improve.

i want to be safe

i want to be comforable

please

[wormspeaker]

i like my little private space

where i can be alone

and collect my thoughts

heres the raw of it

thank you for apologizing, a change in behavior and character would serve you well

what was your goal?

was i just a plaything to you?

why do you use me when you want?

Why did you hide all of it from your wife?

what was your plan?

why me?

Was it worth it to ruin so much over a pretty lady that already wanted to share something with you?

with two lady's?

im so upset, im pissed, steaming with rage, why the fuck did you do this?

stop! it hurts me, it upsets me, you are using me?

go away

i dont want to see you, speak to you, talk to you,

I wish i could hug you and cry

because why

why did you do this

for what greed

for what pleasure

are you caught jn the shame?

are you too scared to ask for help?

why didnt you tell me things fully, clearly.

i hate this.

i am so scared to show myself off now

i feel so unsexy

i dont want to even be touched.

but i want to be touched

and held

by my gf

by your wife

why did you do this to us

why couldnt you be clear with me

why did you say it so vaguely

i am worried sick about you. flashes of catastrophe thunder in my skull. I dont know anything about you. I feel so alien. It feels so dangerous. I want to run away and hide, hide away forever, i never want to show my skin, i want to exist in hyperbole for a second longer and writhe in my upset. but now it is done. i am done. i have let the thoughts out and here they stay for me to return to when i need, its time for me to move to other things.

[wormspeaker]

some things take extra steps and thats okay,

it teaches us patience and faith

[wormspeaker]

it really does feel like a cosmic joke

i dont want to be the punchline please

please

[wormspeaker]

time to me

my love

my warmth

being someone

using my time intently

making things i enjoy

even if its a show i put on

as long as energy is in it

as long as its my choice to do something for me

i love making sure i give myself my time

today i need to tell her we continue forward as friends

i think it will be better for us both

i care so very much about her

but i can not be anything more than vernal

vernal can do many things

but i cant do those things for her

and thats okay

we can go back to what we were doing

we can go back to ourselves

i feel so at ease

ms kong, the dog, sweet sailor

i swear you visited me

two of you sans one

at a time when it was two of you

how

echoes

how

was it you

im too afraid to ask

[wormspeaker]

please dont be mean to me

for taking time for myself

please

i thought youd be sympathetic

please be kind jade

i enjoy you a lot

please

why dont you like me

am i just a service for you

[wormspeaker]

amazing how clarity

comes with calmed waters

im glad i got to share with her again

i hope shes resting well

she gave me such a long hug

it felt so good

she was crashing n she took the time n made the effort to hold me as long as i liked

i hope she dosnt flip turn n cut me off,

there is an intrusive scar stitching that

but i dont think she will

give her her space & time to recover.

what a fun time

i hope she savors the echoes too

she was so nice

im glad we have the clarity

she is my friend i am her friend

and we enjoy the naughty contact together

it feels so comfortable to know

to have parameters to fit within

i get to be me its so nice

but id still like to develop myself more.

its autumn

that means abscission: the leaves turning and falling off

shedding what no longer serves you

like - a lack of confidence

i feel so much more confident

but ugh im still the same and thinking of wine makes me sick lol

but ough shes so nice

and i want to realign myself

with a space to be confident in, i can take the time alone to be more me,

so that way i can get closer to being the one experiencing my life when i step back into those spaces

i have done it before, its interesting

like going into a cocoon or chrysalis

ouhgghg i have a headache now, i need to eat and sit up straight bye bye

[wormspeaker]

i needto stay away from her

i need to stop

use discipline

she tastes so good, but sits in my stomach like gravel

it kills me to digest what ive swallowed

i deserve, connection, that feels, good

[wormspeaker]

i can b anything i want tk be here

so i am here to be in a different world

create an escape set creator on a one night girl that girllll

together, perfectly together now tell me girl would nat be sweet

and be elsewhere

away from

i want to be alone

i dont want to be alone

no more wordways

memories of grandpas house in new jersey

different spot

far away

no one there

last night in my dreams it was very dark in the evening of sometime and i was letting out my dog from very far away and it was all my dogs in a new dog that was mine, and my friend orion was there and we embraced and kisses and i kissed their neck and i felt it change from orion to noelle to kya and back and this form kept shifting identities through people i didn't know but all the time it looked like orion but i cold feel it was others always shifting

then i woke up

[wormspeaker]

please no more rodents in the house ty<3

holy crap i dont want them to harm my art

im tired of them in the kitchen

why wont u come

i wish u would help

i feelso alone here

i am so scared

i dont get whats going on

i just want to be safe

[wormspeaker]

i am not a secret meant to be kept like this

i am not your hostage

your bug in a small cage

i am more than a dog

more than a crow

i deserve the respect of acknowledgment from my "lover"

you arent my lover

youre my hider

you hide me away in your shame

shame you shove in your shadow because you cant bring yourself to look at it,

youre too scared of the dark

except to close your eyes and goon to the feeling instead

fuck you

fuck you for making me feel like this is what i deserve

even when im there in the dark where you put me you cant do anything but dip your toes in

its shameful

i dont belong here

how dare you keep me here like this

i am a worm and i hide in my own soil i do not need yours

i am in flux and my flesh is my chrysalis cocoon to bind me, i do not need the box you built for me

i am eager waiting to be sprung free to flee with wings magnificent and you are waiting to drop me in spirits and pin me for your collection

may you feel the nail drive through you.

shame