Leaving
It’s time
It’s time for me to move on. My depression has grown to be a bit stronger than expected...I feel like this site is dying and since i have no one to talk to this is the perfect place to go. I will not be going back to tumblr . Maybe ill check in a year on this post to see my progress but I doubt it. Twitter and snapchat. I’ll stay on those. Social Media is toxic.
Anyway yes I have been depressed for the last 2-3 years and honestly I don’t think anyone but John, Ade, and Irene know. It sucks because i will never kill myself but I honestly don’t want to live anymore. I just feel like I have no purpose and that’s bad to say. I know.
My depression is just something that just won’t go away. It definitely got worse in like 2016-2017. I saw somewhere this quote and it stuck with me for a long long long time.
“You will always remember the people that were there for you during the lowest shittiest times of your life. Whether friends or family, whether they’re in your life today or not. You will always remember. “
This ^^^^^^^^^^^ times 8000000. Family I keep saying it. I envy anyone who has family members that they are really close with. It’s so obvious in my family any way who the favorites are. My sisters are clicky and so are my cousins. They always have inside jokes all of which i can never relate to them. My parents love my sisters and not gonna lie they love me to but they for sure favor my sisters. I guess it’s cause they know I can handle shit thrown at me? Who knows.. all i know is in my family I can’t openly express myself which is sad. They def don’t know I’m depressed. They probably think all I do is play videogames, watch sports, or work.
Friends wise I can’t deny. I have friends in all stages of my life. GSA, QP, and MSU. But do I see them ? no? Do i connect with them on THAT level? Sure. Depending on the people. In grammar school, I had John and Grace. In Qp, I had Ade. In college, I had Cassie. THAT level. I’m talking life, finances, careers, family, friends, relationship, religion, people, etc.
I know for a long period in my college career, I drifted from Ade and Grace. Trust me when I say this changed my outlook on life, it really did. That’s when I knew the word depression was REAL. John, who’s pretty much my best guy friend, was always there but the fact that he isn’t in NJ is hard. We can’t just meet up and talk. Any way during this drift, I got super close to Cassie at MSU. Not going to lie, if it wasn’t for her, my college experience and my life wouldn’t be the same. She indirectly in her own way helped me cope with losing Ade and Grace.
Any way in about 2016-2017, Cassie stopped talking to me. This devastated me more than even I knew. I had to talk to Ade about this. If you know me, you know I value friendship more than relationships. Maybe it’s cuz I truly feel like I have no family and that Cassie (at the time) was the closest thing i had to a real true friend that made me feel like I had reason to live to the fullest). Like I said before I had THAT type of relationship with her. The type where when we talk, I feel enlightened lmao. Really. The crazy part now. I am at ease with Ade. We both matured. She in her own right is humble and now worked hard to get where she is. I truly believe that she is genuine and honestly it makes me so happy to know she is doing ok. It’s what I always wanted. Any way back on point.
Cassie was one of my real true friends and she just stopped talking to me. The talks on family, life, careers, everything. gone. The part that Ade told me which is true is that she owes me NO explanation. I’m not entitled to know why she left. I just have to accept it. It’s true. I’m stubborn and i kept triple double texting her and all that annoying shit. I have to see it from her point of view. She prob thought I was crazy lmfao. but in reality I guess i just was scared that the one person who made me feel happy and genuine was gone. Any way it took awhile to accept that she really wasn’t my friend anymore. Obviously the only way I know how she’s doing now is social media. I mean she looks super happy with her bf and it makes me happy because i know she was struggling at a time too. Any way I told Ade I was grateful for everything she has done for me and honestly I wish I can tell Cassie that too but I aint going to quadruple text and message her like 6000 times lmao. The crazy part again is that this girl wasn’t my girlfriend. She wasnt even my best friend tbh. She was a really good and important friend that I needed and appreciated in a hard time in my life. Thank you Cassie. I truly wish you were still in my life but I need to respect myself enough to say this girl doesnt owe you an explanation on shit and she doesnt. Also that she was a great friend to you.
A huge part of my depression journey, was trying to “Forget” Cassie and i get it. Move on Chris. The girl doesn’t even give a ratt’s ass about you anymore. One of her close friends Krenzy even noticed that i was “depressed” which is crazy. I don’t even talk to that girl. I guess in a sense I did get closer to Irene and reconnected with Ade so there’s the only positive that came out of it. Irene i will forever be grateful for. This girl showed me everything and I am so glad I worked so that I can go to Cali to see her. It really helped me mentally with that trip. Ade is ade. She’s a good person. She even told me she didn’t mean to be the way she was in college and I respect her for that.
I guess it’s crazy how it works. Ade helped me get through Grace. Cassie helped me get through Ade. Ade and Irene helped me get through Cassie. lmao . In a sense, Ade really is a true friend and we aren’t even that close anymore. Irene is well Irene. I fucking love that girl.
The next hard part was losing Jackie and Rich. They moved away and it hurt me alot. Another group of friends I met at MSU that I truly connected with. It sucks...No one can talk to me about deep stuff. Again looking back, I just felt alone. Sad. and just depressed. I actually resorted to working more to forget and just cope with my pain. It did not work. I actually quit my job like 2 weeks ago haha but that’s another story.
I always try to tell myself. What do people see you as? What do they see you doing? Honestly people probably think when they look at my social media, Dolphins/Mets rants, Snapchat of stupid shit, he travels alot (Even tho i really don’t), and i dont know if that’s a good or bad thing.
2018 was a good year. I can’t deny it. I did alot of things I never thought I can do. 22/30 Baseball parks, maxing out my 401 K, starting grad school, get a steady gym schedule going, learn to be on own. Like financially, mentally, and like just a routine wise. In 2019, I want to find purpose again. I really do. I keep thinking at least there are people who want to see me. Like Irene and Ade. Like my GSA friend. Like Kim and Jan and nick. like I do have friends. I just wish i didnt feel so sad and alone.
For anyone who has felt so lost alone and depressed like me, it’s okay. You will survive. That void hurts. I get it. As someone who still is surrounded by so many people I feel so alone and sad. Trust me, if I ever texted you, Hey lets hang out or catch up. I genuinely mean it and i prob needed it. but if you don’t respond or answer. I get it. It took me 2-3 years to fully accept that I can’t be friends with everyone. My heart has been broken to the point where honestly the people left are the ones helping me pick up those pieces. Any way.
Farewell to anyone reading this. If any one reads this.
