Writing it out

Just a french trans nonbinary who tends to overthink things. So i write it down in here. | | 1998

[write-not-to-think]

I wanna write but I don't know what. Or at least I don't know how. I have so many ideas, but whenever I try to take a moment and write them down I just... all the words seem to desert me and I can't think of anything but a blank space swallowing me whole. I remember a time when I'd write anywhere, at anytime, on anything, napkins, paper tablecloths, the margins of all my school notebooks, the covers of my binders, my own arms... Back then I always had words, I never ran out, no matter the lines I scribbled down until my fingers hurt. Right now I feel so... empty. Words left me, I can't write about the things I want to, the things that matter. I wanna lay down on paper (or a tumblr post) the epic truth of my undying love for Willow, enchant the feelings filling my whole mind, heart and body with poetry drawn from my soul, not state them like blank facts with empty phrases and weak words. I wish I could find my way back in litterature, words, poetry, the weird magic of making simple words an deep and powerful form of art capable of carrying feelings and emotions... I want to be able to make people feel with creations of mine, webs of melodic sentences telling stories and... passing something on...

[write-not-to-think]

Do you miss me sometimes? Even just a little? Because, and I can't tell anyone about this, I do miss you. I know I shoudn't, I know I should bounce right back and stop thinking of you and reminiscing our memories together, I know I should move on. I think you did, at least you're not letting out any signs you didn't. I don't know why I'm stuck in place. I just am. I keep checking if you view my stories, and wondering if you listened to the playlist I made you yet. I wonder if you still think of me from time to time, or did you completely erase me from your mind? Do you look back on the time we shared wondering what could have happened if we'd given it a chance ? I do sometimes. I hope you do too. I know we weren't meant to be, even considering our great start. Some really beautiful paths sometimes are dead ends. And it's okay. It has to be. 'cause you're not coming back now, are you? I'm starting to wrap my head around this, as bitter as this information tastes, I have to let it sink now, don't I? I will let you go now. It was fun for a while, entertaining these feelings, but now that I see you're actually willing to follow this path it's not so fun anymore. I just hope you kinda miss me too, and you're the littlest bit sad we didn't get to explore our path together with the same easiness we've had all along.

It could have been great, but who knows ? Maybe we're not missing out on much after all. We'll never know now. If you change your mind I'll be there, if you don't, well... I'll try to be there too, and quiet the feelings rumbling in my chest.

[write-not-to-think]

I really love you, I do. In such a passionate, beatiful, over the top, platonic way, it's kinda crazy how we match so well and yet there's not even a tinge of romance in the mix. It's kinda like you have some missing pieces of myself in you, we connect so well because something in us is linked by some force we can't explain. I'm not saying you're my other half, people don't come in halves that perfectly fit their partner's. It's more like.. you complete me on some facets of myself, parts of my core resonate with yours in a way that's so intimate and yet so natural, we've felt this from the start.

I remember the very first time I met you, maybe you don't, but that's okay too. It was my second trial day at work, Jocelyn told me to come in cause Bryan was hurt and you needed some back up. I got there around 9h45 that tuesday and you were there folding towels. You offered me a coffee. I accepted with a shy smile. After the work hours you told me you had a little gathering with friends at your place and I was welcomed there if I wanted to. You were so welcoming and you really helped me find my place in this new environment, something about you is so calming and grounding to me. I can't imagine doing this without you. You've been my rock in this shark tank of a job, and I know I brought you a few things too. We clicked, simply, and I hope we never unclick. I don't even think that's a thing. At least not for us.

[write-not-to-think]

I really love you, I do. In such a passionate, beatiful, over the top, platonic way, it's kinda crazy how we match so well and yet there's not even a tinge of romance in the mix. It's kinda like you have some missing pieces of myself in you, we connect so well because something in us is linked by some force we can't explain. I'm not saying you're my other half, people don't come in halves that perfectly fit their partner's. It's more like.. you complete me on some facets of myself, parts of my core resonate with yours in a way that's so intimate and yet so natural, we've felt this from the start.

I remember the very first time I met you, maybe you don't, but that's okay too. It was my second trial day at work, Jocelyn told me to come in cause Bryan was hurt and you needed some back up. I got there around 9h45 that tuesday and you were there folding towels. You offered me a coffee. I accepted with a shy smile. After the work hours you told me you had a little gathering with friends at your place and I was welcomed there if I wanted to. You were so welcoming and you really helped me find my place in this new environment, something about you is so calming and grounding to me. I can't imagine doing this without you. You've been my rock in this shark tank of a job, and I know I brought you a few things too. We clicked, simply, and I hope we never unclick. I don't even think that's a thing. At least not for us.

[write-not-to-think]

You're so great, you deserve the best. And I'm not saying I am and you should choose me for that. I'm no better than the next guy, I'm just... Better than the actual guy? God that sounds so conceited.. I just.. I met him and he's not at all the kind of guy I thought you would like... I guess it means I don't know you that well, and somehow it's true, I only know what you let me see about you, and if you actually like that guy I guess it means you really wanted me to like you cause.. the you I knew would never date a guy like that, and would certainly not be together with him. Maybe I was wrong about you, maybe you weren't such a fit for me. Maybe it's better that way. I mean, we would be amazing together, we'd be so wonderful, so happy, but.. that's probably just what I imagined, not what it would actually turn out to be. I don't wanna believe that, but maybe you really are a lost cis het girl who thought for a second she wanted more than possessive love cis het men have to offer. Maybe you are just what I wanted to avoid with cis girls. Maybe I'm better off that way. I know it's my ego talking right now, because I don't like to be told off, and I don't like being the unwanted lover, but in the end... didn't I dodged a bullet there ? Cause it would have been your first relationship with someone who's not a cis guy and.. maybe I don't wanna be anybody's first anymore, I don't think I still have the patience for that.

Anyways, I'm writing that in anger, wasted and high, hormones like a fiery ball wrecking everything inside, and it's not really how I feel about all this. Mostly I'm just sad I didn't even have a chance to see what you and I would be like in the long run. That sucks. But that's life. The show must go on.

[write-not-to-think]

I can't stop thinking of you yet, but I'm working on it. You're still occupying a lot of my thoughts but I'm trying to reel back the constantly popping images of your smile and the rinkles lining the corners of your eyes, the thoughts of what happened and what could have, the scenarios of you coming back on your decision. I'm trying to accept that it's not gonna happen and I can actually try and be your friend. I can't help wondering if you're still gonna be all flirty and flustered next time I see you or if you're gonna try to reel that back too. I'm only human. Some part of me hopes you are, another doesn't. And I really don't know which part has the advantage.

I guess time will tell us. And if not, it will at least tell us how you're gonna act. I won't have to wonder anymore. Saturday isn't that far..

[write-not-to-think]

I'm obsessed with this song these days. I just relate to it so much.. I mean "let's fall in love for the night and forget in the morning" ? Yeah we do that on every date! We talk and share and lose ourselves in each other every time we're alone, we lose track of time and I drown myself in your eyes, in your smile, in your scent, and it's amazing... And when the morning comes I just.. it's not that I fall out of love with you, I just realize I never actually fell in love with you at all, I just really believed this feeling was love but it wasn't. Fond affection, burning attraction, sure, but not love. And every time it still feels like I'm falling in love all over again only to admit the next day it was nothing but the magic of the moment. But it's not.. it's not painfull, it's not even annoying, it's actually nice, you know, getting to fall in love every time I see you, it's a pleasant feeling, and realizing I was mistaken is kind of a relief every time because I do not want to fall in love this fast, I want this carefree "do you like or like like me" phase to last a while longer. A part of me wants to see you every day and talk to you all the time and fall in love and watch you fall as well but .. I think this is just the old me speaking, and maybe the new me doesn't want that. The new me knows that things can last and I can be patient, savor this, enjoy falling for you slowly before actually falling in love with you. And honestly, I think I want to listen to that part of me rather than the other. I did the rush all of the steps and fall deeply in love in the blink of an eye. It was kind of a disaster. Maybe I can try dating. The actual dating, where you take your time and leave yourself some space to evolve in the relationship, where you're chill because it's not a serious one, you're just both trying something out and maybe it won't fit, maybe it will, but for now it's just learning to know each other and stealing kisses, it's being kinda awkward and it's okay, it's not seeing the hours pass because our world doesn't have a sense of time, there's only us and what we do with that moment. It's amazing, 5-years-ago me never could, but I'm actually this cool, chill person, saying what I think and openly flirting, not overanalysing every word she says, not overthinking every word I say, I just say what I wanna say, do what I wanna do, and it seems to be working pretty well so far, because you do look pretty charmed by me. Don't get me wrong, I'm charmed as well, I'm not trying to set some wicked power imbalance here, I'm just.. I never thought it could be this easy to just see that. To actually believe it without it having to be hammered in your brain by constant repetition from all your closest friends. To be able to look at you and just know that you like me. There's no doubt about it. And I do believe my smile carries that I like you too, a lot, I mean you already cloaked (thanks Vincent) that I stare lovingly at you a lot so you mist know that I like you. And as much as I make it known, I think I'm still pretty chill and you don't seem to think I'm overbearing or clingy, needy or all those things I've been in the past. I evolved so much these past few years. I grew so much, I learned and got better and I'm actually proud of who I am today.

[write-not-to-think]

I'm a little heartbroken, but don't worry, I'll be fine. I had a good time with you and I can easily see you did too, and that will always be good memories to evoque later. I'm looking forward to be your friend and get to know you on a whole other dimension, even though the attraction isn't gonna fade that quickly, it's gonna be fun. We're gonna have all those awkward moments that are kinda cute on their own way, trying to figure out how to interact with each other without being flirty and cute, taking baby steps into the new nature of our relationship. I will turn down the whole batting-my-eyes-at-you attitude, but if you keep yours on... I might not resist playing with you... But you ever decide to commit to this guy and it makes you happy, I'll be glad to be by your side and watch that happen as your friend.

I'll probably keep writing you these sorta letters you'll never read, because it makes me feel good to keep a trace of these moments somewhere...

[write-not-to-think]

Tell me about your day, tell me silly things about you, I like knowing the little trivia of your life, I like getting that oportunity to peek in a window in your life and who you are. I wanna know what makes you smile, what makes you sad, the things you like and the people who are important to you. I really enjoy getting to know you and letting you do the same with me, you're turning out to be an amazing person and I'm picking up signals saying you like who you're finding me to be. It's nice, kissing you and seeing the red rush to your cheeks, finding myself smiling like an idiot when you catch my hand of touch my thigh. It's really nice, letting myself slowly fall for you, no pressure on you or me, just warm moments shared in the carelessness of our twenties, light hearts and soft lips, late nights and tight embraces, just the two of us or surrounded with people, strangers, friends, I can see I'm not the only one eyeing the other every other time... I like being with you, sharing all these parts of our lives, letting ourselves just be, no care in the world, we never count, we never keep track of time, we get lost in each other's presence, but in a very chill, very soft way, it's tender, light as a butterfly, amazingly sweet.. I didn't actually know that crushes and first dates, first kisses, could be so carefree yet so intense.

I love being at this point of my life. It definitely was all worth it.

[write-not-to-think]

I wanna talk to you all the time, but sometimes I don't really have anything to say, I just want to hear from you, see that little icon pop on my screen, and smile like an idiot. The old me would text you anyway and try, and fail, to fill the blanks with only fond affection. But it doesn't work that way, sometimes no conversation is better than bad conversation. I don't have to talk to you all the time, I can also enjoy waiting for a funny thing to happen or an interesting thought to cross my mind so I actually have something to text you and not just anything.

You said something last time about it being nice that we're having actual conversations instead of just asking each other about consensual stuff like our day and meals and whatnot, and it never occurred to me that it could actually be nicer this way. I'd to talk to you more I think but I wanna stay reasonable, for your sake and mine, so I won't force it, I'd rather have a few meaningful interractions than an ongoing half-empty conversation.

I kinda want to take things slow, allow myself to fall slowly and softly for her while actually going kinda slow and not burn myself right away. I wanna savoir this and enjoy being casually in love, no hard feelings, no head banging, just some chill, good moments shared late in the night, stolen kisses, big blushing smiles and intermittent staring, innocent hand holding : simple intimacy. I wanna enjoy and make it last, I don't wanna rush. I mean I do want to have sex with you and I think you do too, but it doesn't have to happen the next time we see each other. I think I want one more night of this freshness..

[write-not-to-think]

I like talking to you, it makes me feel nice and warm inside. I look at my phone every other time to see the little icon saying you've texted me, and it gets me through the day. I smile like I'm stupid every time I see your name popping on my screen, it would be infuriating if it wasn't such a lovely feeling. I like talking to you, exchanging ideas and thoughts, feelings even, though not feelings about each other of course, I like learning things about you, telling you about me ; it makes me realise I'm not the insecure kid I used to be, I'm actually confident and kinda well-adjusted ? I'm not second guessing every single text I send, I'm not overanalysing her every words, I'm not burrying myself in self-doubt and lack of self-esteem anymore, God I'm not even afraid to be myself and be honest about my insterests, even if that means that there are a lot of things we don't have in common, we can still get along even if we're very diferent, and it doesn't mean we're gonna stop talking if I don't like eveything you like. Damn. Took me a really long time to figure that out. I feel freer than I've ever felt, I'm allowing myself to actually flirt with someone by being my flawed, quirky self and doing what my instincts tell me without wondering if it might be weird or understood wrong and potentially ruin the relationship. I trust her to not think I'm not the person I've shown her I am, and if some of the meaning is somehow lost in translation, maybe that's okay, I don't have to worry so much. It's just a text. It's not that meaningfull.

And here I am, it's almost 1am and we're supposedly waiting for your friend to tell you when he's dropping the keys so we can set a time for our maybe date. I mean, we actually keep talking to each other because we like spending time getting to know each other, because this far in the night I don't think your friend is answering you anytime soon. And I don't feel slightly bad about that, I'm not questioning the reasons why she likes me, hell I'm not even questioning whether she even likes me or not, I'm getting the signals, and I know she's getting them too. That feels wonderful.

Fiction tought us we had to yearn for complicated, devastating love to feel fulfilled but... Yeah no, trusting people and not freaking out every second is definitely better.

[write-not-to-think]

I kissed you tonight, and it was wonderful. It wasn't magical or dreamlike like when I was still a teen experimenting with my first kisses, but it was still beautiful. I loved every part of it, the way your lips felt against mine, and how your hand came up to cup my face as mine was getting lost in your hair, I loved how natural it felt. It wasn't a life changing experience, but it left me smiling with all my teeth anyways. I've come a long way since my first kiss that mattered, I've grown so much and I learned that I'm worthy of love and desire and that every kiss doesn't have to be the huge milestone it used to be. But it doesn't mean that I don't enjoy first kisses as intensely as I used to, it just means I'm now able to see beauty and magic in smaller acts. It's not the magic of being love despite my awful imperfections anymore, it's the magic of living something light and nice without the threat of the other person waking up someday and realising they could have someone better and leaving. I know now I'm as good as anyone and I don't have to fear I'll never find someone else so I cling so hard on the person who's willing to give me their love I live everything with the intensity of a first and last time combined. I can just live something carefree and light because it's not necessarily gonna shape the rest of my life. There will be other people, there will be other kisses, other new experiences, so it's okay to just enjoy the moment without even thinking about what comes after.

I kissed you tonight, and it was wonderful. I don't know what comes next, and I can't wait to discover it, but I'm not gonna chew my brains out thinking about it anymore, I can just wait and see, and have a good time reminiscing the memories we already made.

[write-not-to-think]

I like you. And I have reasons to believe you like me too. I didn't expect to feel this giddy every time you text me, or when I think about our first and only kiss, all of this after only two (amazing) dates, and yet I do. I'm in deep shit, am I not? This was supposed to be a casual fling, at first at least, but I'm feeling I like you a little more than a friend with benefits.. I don't have actual "feelings" for you yet, I mean I know I'm a sappy sentimental but come on, even I have limits, but.. yeah, my chest feels warm when I think about you, and I have butterflies every time our skins accidentaly touch, and that only kiss really did a number on me, I mean fuck, I knew I had to leave and go get some sleep but after that I really didn't want to go home, at least not alone.. So yeah, I guess you could say I like like you but I'm not allowed to say so yet, right? Cause it's too soon and you're gonna get scared and I don't want that.

I really hope we get to see each other again, I hope there's a future where we can kiss again and cuddle and maybe more, and I mostly hope I'm not misreading your signals and you actually like me too...

[write-not-to-think]

I missed the way your skin feels against mine, I missed the brush of your fingers on my scalp, the soft pecks of your lips in my neck, the heat emanating from your body... I missed being close to you, I missed feeling giddy when I think about you; I missed feeling my heart race in my ribcage as my blood flows down between my legs when you look at me with heavy lidded eyes, desire dilating your pupils... I missed making love with you, seeing your body react to what I do to you, your mind going blank as pleasure overwhelms you, hearing your screams and moans fill the room entirely until you're the only thing that exists in the world, feeling what you do to me and seeing the look in your eyes grow hungry for more as my body clenches and my breath becomes ragged, I missed feeling whole like that, melting in your touch, leaning in your scent, loosing myself in your essence until you're part of me and I'm part of you and we're each other's whole world and nothing else matters, nothing else exists. I missed all that, so cruelly. But most of all I missed the intimacy. I missed the soft kisses and the cuddles, the need to be close, to feel your skin against mine, the smiles we share in bed when kissing each other's nose or forehead, feeling safe and loved and wanted, leaning into your embrace as if it was the safest place in the world and nothing could happen to me as long as you're holding me. And... my heart feels like that, but my head knows it's true. You're my home, my shelter, my haven, and I feel safe when I'm with you, no matter what. You never made me feel unsafe though; the feeling just... faded for a while, and it feels so good to have it back full force again... It's like I'm falling in love with you all over again, like it's the first weeks of our love and I'm burning for you with my entire soul, you're in my mind all the time and I'm always eager to spend time with you, I want you as much as I can have you and feel like I could spend my days making love with you, you amaze me by every single thing you do, I can't stop gushing about you in the less annoying way I can manage, and I just... I'm so confused, because it happened so suddenly after such a dry period and I... can't explain it. But holy freaking stars ot's happening. I couldn't wish for anything better, I couldn't get luckier than that. Meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me, I don't know where I'd be without you but I can assure you that this is the best time-line. You're my everything, and I'm so damn lucky I got to fall in love with you twice without ever falling out of love with you. ❤️

[write-not-to-think]

Scent

" The scent of you is something I can't ignore"

Never this line had hit me so hard. Months later, I still walk in the room we used to share and breathe a wave of your scent. I remember it so vividly, the smell of your skin, deep and sharp. It used to be so comforting, synonym of "home". But it's now bearer of bad memories. I shiver remembering all the ugliness. Things really went out of hand, didn't they? We had so much, we owed the world, we were flying... and we fell so hard, so fast, without a warning. Our wings were burning and we were leaping to our demise, helpless. I still remember the fall. The never-ending, terrifying fall. My bones were breaking, shattering, my lungs were on the verge of explosion, my heart was racing. But surprisingly, the crashing point wasn't so bad. Of course, it hurt. But it marked the end of the suffering, of the pain, the sorrow. Suddenly, it was over. The wind wasn't screaming in my ears anymore. My wounds still hurt, but they weren't expanding anymore. They're healing slowly, but they are. I almost don't think of you anymore. But sometimes, I walk in the room we used to share and breathe a wave of your scent. Just like salt of a wound. I can't ignore it, I can't deny it, I can't fight it. It sweeps me off like a tidal wave. I can't get rid of it. I changed the sheets, I left the window open for weeks, I washed all my clothes, I burned incense, I smoke joints, but it's still there. Hidding in the walls, lurking in the shadows, waiting for me to be defenseless to stir up the hornet's nest. I can't fight it. I can't ignore it.

[write-not-to-think]

@ anyone who follows this account... why are you doing this? what do you like in this content?

[write-not-to-think]

We go through life in search of who we are. We try, everyday, to figure out the meaning of this intricate mystery that is our own self. We try to solve the riddles, to answer the questions, we try to understand what this whole mess is all about. And I'd say we find a lot of ourselves in others, and so much of others in us. What drives us, at our very core, are the connexions we make with each other. We build ourselves, every day, with fragments of the people we encounter. It's a laugh, a word, a gesture, a smirk, it's all in the details. We all are puzzles, made from pieces of each other. We're all connected, we all share something, we're attached to each other. And that, is what makes us so strong. The nets we casts, the prints we leave, all these little things that stay long after we're gone. It's our fuel, what makes us go forward, always. Connection, that's what it's all about.