the chronicles of an aspiring poet

[writingsbyais]

i think of you

i think of the drunken night when you told me, “i can’t wait to marry you one day”

you were the first person to tell me this, and i’m sorry i believed you.

[writingsbyais]

Will you marry me

?

[writingsbyais]

The Journey

I appreciate this tumblr because I see myself gain and lose hope constantly. I understand my past self with clarity with these old writings. Sometimes I miss the hopeless romantic inside me that writes these beautiful excerpts. I know she’s still here but now she understands the reality of love. Love is no longer the centerpiece for happiness. Love is too difficult, fluid, and ever changing to be a result of happiness. The journey has brought me to a different version of myself. The version where I’m simply, me. No bullshit, it’s just me. I’m the only one who pushed me to get here, Out of the house, in a university, and in a new city.

And for once, I’m proud that I did it. I’m here.

[writingsbyais]

Resentment

I don’t hate you, I’m lying, I do, only a little. The resentment destroyed the love I held for you. It was the moments where I held everything I felt inside in fear of losing you. You set the limit of why you would lose me, and left me regardless. I would daydream of the day you’d realize all I wanted was to love you. Instead you pushed me farther and farther away. I finally stopped dreaming and realized, maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. Maybe I was in-love with the idea of you, but not you.

-

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not being me. I’m sorry for molding myself into your life when I clearly didn’t fit. I’m sorry for trying so hard. But you taught me the best lesson of all.

If anyone wanted to do anything for me, they simply, would.

[writingsbyais]

24.

A new era, beginning, the continuance of an ellipses. The last year was about growth. I didn’t see it at first but there I was, being put in situations where I could choose to stay complaisant or grow. I grew out of friendships, relationships, and my own home. I loved someone with everything I felt I had left, slit my wrists and gave him the rest my soul could bare. In return, he gave me nothing. Today I’m still unsure, was I undeserving of anything in return or did he have nothing left to give? The hopes and dreams I was determined to accomplish were demolished. I had to start from square one. I had to do it, alone. Within the heartbreak, tears, and true chaos of this year, I found peace. Alone.

[writingsbyais]

[writingsbyais]

angels

we’re sent angels throughout our lives, some to give lessons, some to become blessings

they don’t show their wings at first sight,

but you begin to see the light they bring.

your soul is lifted with their love and care,

do we get to keep them?

in our memories yes,

but each angel must be sent back to heaven.

gratitude is all you can have when these angels give you their presence in your life.

a blessing or a lesson, the few will stay,

the others will fly away,

remembering the love they gave.

[writingsbyais]

drained

emotionally, physically, mentally. it’s ironic when you feel on top of the world for months, only to have the rain to pour instead of drizzle. I know it’s not a permanent feeling, but I’m tired. now, it’s time to wait for the flowers to bloom again.

[writingsbyais]

bitter, bitter

never sweet,  my heart was never yours to keep. childish and immature, I wish you happiness, nothing more. I hope your heart heals one day, and from your mind, I stray.

[writingsbyais]

priceless

is this what it’s like? to be loved as much as I love? to have trust, to be comfortable, to have what I’ve always dreamed of? it doesn’t feel real, it feels undeserving most days.  I don’t doubt us, or feel anxious when we’re apart. I know our love is real and growing.

This, us, you.  It’s simply priceless.

[writingsbyais]

writer’s block

I’ve been struggling to write since I’ve always considered this tumblr to be my safe space to create and vent at the same time. 

But it’s time to come back here and speak my mind release my creativity once again because I live this life for no one other than myself. 

I’m sorry for myself, for impeding on my own passions to create and write because of people or a person who knows nothing about my life decided to try to destroy my creative space.

[writingsbyais]

“I’ll still be yours tomorrow.”

you are the epitome of everything I’ve ever wanted, and more. everyday my love for you grows. it’s so easy, natural, comfortable. any need of reassurance is happily assured, any hope for the future, is mutual. your love for me, is equal and unmatched, and it shows.  how lucky I am, to have you, for forever and always.

[writingsbyais]

trust

you have my heart, I trust that you won’t break it.

[writingsbyais]

notebook ramblings;

everything I’ve always asked for and wanted, comes naturally with you. the conversations, the happiness, the connections. it’s natural, healthy, happy. there’s no force of love,  it’s just present, palpable.  I hope you know that I love you,  even though I don’t say it.

[writingsbyais]

2019,

I have a strong feeling, that I’ll find clarity in direction in my life this year.

It feels like puzzle pieces are finally falling together, the storm has cleared, this is my year.

[writingsbyais]

strangers

I hope that years from now, we can sit down and reminisce. the memories, the good times,  remembering the love we shared. only to let each other go again.

[writingsbyais]

last year, 12/16/17

I was broken.  every ounce of me, shattered. to know that I was worth nothing to the one person I loved. Today, I know my worth, strength, and security in loving myself. I’m finally done being second best to people who don’t deserve me. I’ll always be enough, especially for myself.