The phrase "Letting Go" has been spinning around in my head.
I thought that I would start to feel better by now. But it doesn't feel any better. In fact it feels the same as it did when it happened. I can still feel my stomach dropping and losing all the air in my lungs.
It feels like you can't breathe. And I haven't been able to breathe for 8 months. I still feel I'm holding my breath because if I breathe, I'm going to fall apart.
The constant replay of moments with you. Everything about you, the good, the bad, the ugly. And everything in between.
I am being followed around by my thoughts. Haunted if you will.
Memories flash through my mind as I sit at my desk trying to write a paper. And when I drive my car and when I walk down the street. I try to tell stories and laugh but you're still there. I barely get a moment to breathe. I just feel the pit open in my stomach and the air rush out of my lungs. Like I'm choking.
But it's getting easier to live with.
I can make it go away for a short time, when I ride my bike and when I listen to music. When I see friends and my parents. When I hug Rowan.
But the feeling always creeps back in. It feels like I could burst into tears at any moment. The Heartbreak just feel eternal.
I feel frozen in time watching this event unfold in my head all over again.
I feel like I am on a rollercoaster when it comes to you. It wasn't all bad and how could it be.
You changed my life. You made me feel loved and made me feel special. You taught me a lot about myself. You made me feel seen and loved anyway.
You made the pandemic survivable. I'm not sure where I would be if I hadn't met you.
Loving you profoundly changed me as a person because I found a way to open myself up to love.
But it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows.
I believe that you loved me. We have shared so much together that can never be explained. There are things that aren't quantifiable. And how we were together could never be fully known.
But most of the time you weren't even that great to me.
You cut me off and ran when I got depressed and became cold and distant. I know you said it was to protect yourself but it just hurt.
You lashed out and belittled how I felt about things. You made me defend myself.
You consistently made me insecure. I never felt good enough especially when you would want me to meet the other girls you were sleeping with.
You even reduced my worth to a number on a scale
It honestly makes me feel pathetic that I miss you and that sob silently about you sometimes. I don't want to miss you. But let me be clear I don't want you either.
I have changed so much since our last conversation. I have found myself again, like meeting an old friend. I have grown and flourished. I haven't been this happy in a very long time. I have done more than I thought was possible.
I have found a career path that I love. I have 3 amazing parents. I have friends from both near and far. I have Rowan who I love more immensely than you can even imagine. I actually have goals I want to achieve and things I want to do.
This is why "Letting go" is so important. Because yes it felt the like the worst thing ever. like falling off a cliff. You can try and hold on. But eventually, you have to accept the impending future. You don't have to like it but it's happening. But you have to deal with it.
I have lost you. and You have broken my heart. I feel broken and out of breath. But every day I take a deep breath and move through it.
I am learning to live with it and one day I know it won't hurt as much. But that day isn't today and it might take months or even years. But it will fade. But you will always be special to me and no one will ever be you.
Loving is complex and uncontrollable. I have learned about what I want and don't want in the future. Love is even more intangible than I ever thought was possible. I want to appreciate the complexity of this relationship. Everything is grey and that is something you have to learn to live with. Sometimes you never get closure and you just have to leave them in the rearview mirror.
