Wukai L. @wukaiwonders - Tumblr Blog

IT’S ALWAYS TEA TIME!

Because I am able to. #ns #popin7days #bmtc #nofilter #viper2

Familiar face in da house today: Siang ping aka speng(guy in white). Such an inspiring role model to me!

Received the coolest present this Christmas, thank you @papercut_ for the amazing sketch of my skate love it! #sebaskates #skates #inlineskating #freestyleslalom

#freestyleslalom #inlineskating #sebaskates #skates

Ready to serve. #soldier #nohairnohope #ns

#soldier #nohairnohope #ns

rulesofthirds

do it anyway

So i don't know what happened to my title box on my dashboard since the very beginning i started my tumblr and i just can't be bothered by it so i'm just going to leave it as that. Lazy, i know......

Since my last entry, it has been like........ forever. In just a few days, i will be embarking on a new journey/phase in my life: NS. Last year, i imagined this period to be the "pre-army blues" period where i wouldn't be inspired to be doing anything right before the enlistment date(also due to what i observed from others who have been in the same shoes as me right now last year). And it turned out that strangely, now that i'm here, i feel the opposite is true - i want to do as much as possible before i enlist(next tuesday, 5th Nov). To me, every day now - in fact everything - is precious; having hangouts with friends, going to skate, or even being at home. To me, going into NS would mean that i will be at a standstill for the next 2 years. Not coming from a lazy-ass point of view, but it is true. No matter how you look at it, boys will still be lagged behind in most fields because of this weary stage of life. However, a good friend of mine told me that NS isn't a waste of time, it builds people up for life... interesting. Finding ways to salvage the situation(such as enjoying life by partying, gaming, eating unhealthy stuffs) isn't going to help, i have instead decided to embrace it. That doesn't mean i'm giving up on the things i love to do, it's just an extension to my military commitment(blah blah blah). Appreciate what is actually tough.

As the days shorten, i'm beginning to think and self-reflect on the past. I find myself powdering over certain things which i never did. Regrets...... such as how i could have said some things to somebody, how efficiently i could have trained for my skating, what other things i should have done. I have to say, these last 3 weeks as a civilian are precious. It appears to me that we often hold back things we want to say to people but never do because we're afraid, afraid of how they might not accept it, afraid of offending them, and then end up regretting not telling it. In that moment when negativity sets in, most of us give up on what's the perfect vision in our minds and we weaken immediately, succumbing to defeat ambiguously. We should view negativity as a form of opportunity to improve ourselves, in that moment of doubt, to venture out strong with a different respond that's true to who we are. I don't want to keep dwelling on the things that might have been anymore.

motivationanddiscipline

Emptiness

This feeling has haunted me for a while now. A few weeks, I began to have this passive, slightly miserable feeling taking form inside me, something I could not understand or explain, in a form quite vague that just didn't seem to appear as something decipherable. Until now. The truth is that, I've realised, whether I'm surrounded by people or not, I feel alone. There's literally no one right now that I can feel connected to... This sudden realisation came to me a few days back when I went for a stroll (aimlessly) around my neighbourhood and stumbled across a stray cat sleeping peacefully and, for some reason, I stayed there for an hour sitting beside it and occasionally patting it(while it embraced my soft touch in its slumber). This connection and experience I've had with that cat that night felt more real than anything I felt for some time. I don't know what happened. Social interaction seems pointless to me now. Getting to know people, listening to them, hearing what they say about others or about their lives - it doesn't appeal to me at all. What appears to me through the process of influential skills are their flaws and intention. A question, a reply, an answer - I'm so sick of trying to do that in a pleasant way. But human beings are too sensitive. And I hate stubborn people. I try to talk to people, but they don't understand. After a while I just want leave them alone. Then I go back into my own world to do my own thing. The lesser I say I better I feel - always. Is there someone out there like myself that I'd definitely like to be best friend with?

1 gold(speed slalom) & 1 silver(classic) at SIngapore National Freestyle Skating Championships. Slightly confused but I did OK for my last competition(potential to be) and I enjoyed the entire process :) Thanks Hvpersports for organising the event!

Maybe I'm just too attached to the past feelings I felt back then, those that I couldn't make the best out of. Maybe I've just been waiting for that one chance to redeem myself at this hoping someone like you will appear in my life again. Maybe that's why I've been indifferent. But what's right or wrong? Who decides reason? Why must someone stop liking and appreciating someone else just because the other party is attached? I can't figure out what exactly i miss or need. I'm a mess. I'm hopeless. Every time I try to move on, I fail, and it leads me back to the same page where I started from. But it just comes to a point where it doesn't affect you so much. Life goes on.

Hold my core, hold it there. With @hykyin #toapayoh #freestyleskating #me

#me #toapayoh #freestyleskating

I'd never considered NS to be any big deal in the past because I used to think that it's something every guy has to go through(Obviously, I'm fine with that). But that was when I thought I'd be "waiting" to be enlisted. Now, my circumstance has changed. I have goals materialising. Why will I have to be gone at this peak of everything coming together? My life being at a complete standstill and watching everything happen before my very eyes is probably the worst feeling. The feeling is kind of like, a carpenter building a house by himself and then he got thrown off because his house got invaded by robbers. 2 days ago, my close friend shaved bald I saw the helplessness in his eyes for what he was going to face, and in that brief moment, the harsh reality solidified in my mind. It was the first time I felt fear.... Fear not of the training but the fear of leaving everything behind and the things I have to give up.. And I hate this feeling.

I think the problem with being part of this "team" is that we're all too sensitive people. It is in the nature of what we do that prompts us to be that way, Sensitive of how we move, what others say, how others look at you, how you look at yourself - we're afraid all these things. Sometimes keeping quiet and keeping things to yourself is the best way to get around things... We don't need the excuses or the gossiping or the drama. When I listen to someone say all these nasty things/stories about someone else all i actually hear is "i just simply feel threatened and jealous and insecure" and then i get so annoyed by that person. And people like that are usually those who despairingly try to find out everything first because they're afraid of losing existence but actually all they want is simply the authority to mean something to others. Sad.

In truth, I think nothing needs to be said. We all have eyes to see, to witness. Because everything is obvious, just leave it to skills and performance. Have that quiet confidence and let skating speak for yourself.

Recent nights are too thought-inducing, which require a note of worry. It’s come to my attention that i really need a readjustment in my sleep cycle. I often find myself wide awake till 3am just thinking and being unable to fall asleep, in which later on I end up regretting in the morning when the deadly sunlight shines(and burns) brightly upon my body, piercing through my soul.

The thing is, I’ve been slowly trying to arrange my thoughts and ideas all these time, my mind transiting from a chain of ideas to another chain of complications.

Now, I can finally conclude.

Passion

I guess at one point in life, we need to find some things to stay alive for(not being melodramatic). You'll know you've found it if it makes you obsessed, makes you think about it all day long because it's become a therapist for your mental well being, makes you crazy. And that will be the blood, sweat and tears you endure through.

Yet you would still want it this way because it lets you feel emotion and makes you realize you're not simply just existing. It is that magical of a thing that makes you so empowered you feel like you could do anything. And in that realm you go into, you are yourself fully in your own entity unaffected by everything else.

it's hard to believe but it is true

that sundays make me feel so empty

uninspired and restless

maybe I get bored too easily

words have lost meaning

it does not make sense to say I seek life energy

what is that

yes

I need to get up and move

I want to be alone and away

away from everything that is holding me back

holding me down

and feel alive

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Wukai L.