Photuris Aleta @wurinugraha - Tumblr Blog

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Suatu saat nanti, ada hal-hal yang kau kira rumah dan tempat singgah paling nyaman, namun ternyata masih liku jalan panjang yang tak terukur jaraknya

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“My biggest fear is being referred to by a man as “chill.” I am not chill. I am sensitive. And anxiety ridden. And poetic. I am sexual. Supportive. Loving. Oh so loving. Long after you leave I will still dream about you, write about you. I will write you a song and sing you to sleep. But I am not chill. I am me.”

— @likewedream (via lovelustquotes)

What scared me is the fact that I know for sure if people know the real me they’ll see I’m not that interesting. I’m plain boring average joe.

Please, just remember the people who couldn’t value you, the situations and the relationships that didn’t work out, the endings that came your way, they all led you here. And here you are growing. Here, your losses and lessons. Here you are learning about yourself, you are meeting your resilience, you are discovering your strength. Here you are healing, even if it feels like you are not, because here you are choosing to continue, you are choosing to move forward in the direction of all you truly do deserve, no matter how slowly the progress comes. Here, you are finding yourself again.

When I had anxiety, I think that everyone is going to leave me.

My mind overanalyzes everything. It’s one wrong Instagram direct message. One conversation where I wonder if I said too much. It’s a text unanswered that sends my mind wandering. It’s a second text to clarify, just hoping they will answer. Even though I know I should have waited.

Anxiety is self-doubt. Anxiety is overthinking.

It’s the waiting for people to leave. It’s ruining something before it even begins. It’s goodbye without the word that becomes an expectation. It’s the nights that keep me up tossing and turning.

It’s not hearing from someone for someone and thinking they are mad, even though realistically they have no reason to be. It’s an apology I don’t have to say, yet I feel I need to, just to ease my mind.

Anxiety takes a hold of me, it keeps me prisoner in my own mind. It makes me prone, pushing people away when I want them to stay. I don’t want to burden or bother them with my insecurities and worries, but I just want them to tell me that they won’t go. That they won’t walk away. That they understand.

Because when my mind play tricks on me and tells me, everyone I care about will leave me, I don’t want to believe it, but, part of me did.

My mind convinces me that I am too clingy but the truth is that I just simply care. Deeply. I love too hard but everything about me is soft. I try and overcompensate just to give them a reason to stay.

Probably what I don’t realize is they are choosing to be here because they want to be. Because I'm not as bas and intorelable and unlovable as I think I am.

Anxiety is just trying to trick me into believing I am hard to love, hard to be around, hard to keep.

Maybe if I look around for just a moment, I’ll realize the people who matter haven’t gone anywhere.

Like I've always said to the part of me; "Please don’t listen to it. You are loved".