Where does he begin? How should he start? Lily, these boys are no fun. They are mean, bigoted and foolish. Their hubris will be their downfall and you are far too good for them to be a friend, let alone be associated with them.
No good, too soft. Too much does it beat around the bush of the real problem at hand. The little smirks, the bright eyes and knowing smiles. She likes him. She likes them and Severus is left to look the other way. Not a word said on his part, fragile as their relationship has become. First friends and so little does it mean, in the end.
Teeth gritted, smile to adorn his face as he smooth things over.
“It’s nothing,” he replied, soothing in tone as he dismissed their conversation. Never mind that it was he who brought this up. Never mind that it was he who asked for a moment of her time.
Pick and choose your battles, they say and this is simply one Severus cannot win. His tongue tied and hands kept idle. Retaliation not in his favor, his light grows dimmer by the second. Lily does not understand the extent of which this systematic behavior and mindset of this world runs deep. Far beyond their understanding, well sheltered in Gryffindor house as she was. Severus will not be the one to burst her bubble.
“We’re third years,” he pointed out, topic changed in favor of something lighter. Obsidian eyes to shine their gaze upon her, hands clasped behind his back as they occupied the space in front her house.
“How does it feel?” he asked, “Has it been everything you thought it would be?”
Not for him at least. What Eileen knows and recalls matches not what he sees himself, the reality far from the illusion. Ignorant and oblivious as she was, unaware of the consequences of her actions. That her choices will lead to his downfall. A half-blood masquerading as something more than what he is. How different does he feel among his peers. They who stem from nobility, while Severus picks and steals what he can take. His quick wit and cunning nature all that ensured his survival.
They will eat him from the inside out, peck his bones clean until nothing remains. A thing of the past, a being of most insignificance. Severus will make them look at him. Big dreams, for someone of no name and prestige.
A muggle. Eileen just had to fall in love with a muggle. No longer can he breeze through this life like he thought he could. These hands were made for working, and so he must.
lily would like perhaps the world to be nice, to be the way she’d thought when she’d discovered the magic that lay in her hands. she wanted magic to be like storybooks where the good wizards and witches worked to save kingdoms and protect people. severus had tried to tell her, he’d tried to give her what he could. but they’d come to school and... nothing was what they’d thought.
they found different ways to cope. he had new friends, and she had hers. but she would defend him. stand by him. they were friends even if things changed. that’s what she’d sworn when they sorted into different houses. she’d cried that night. not for the choice the hat had made, but for the friend she was so worried for. for severus alone in a house of people who’d be so cruel. she wouldn’t believe he’d ever be cruel like that. she couldn’t. she wouldn’t.
too soon she’d learned that slytherin house was cruel, but so was gryffindor. the stupid boys from the train had made her cry twice before her first class. she wasn’t that sensitive... it was just a lot of change at once. she’d had a normal life up until then. she hadn’t been rich, or had tutors, she could spell circles around them and learned her work quicker than they did. time had passed. she’d found a place.
severus was still beside her.
nothing was going to change that.
but then he asks how things feel. ask if it’s everything she wanted. and the answer is no. but sometimes.. sometimes it’s more than she ever imagined. she scoots closer to where he sits, bumping his shoulder teasingly. she knows he’s trying to lighten the mood. a soft hum.
‘ no. in most ways it’s worse. but then somethings are... so much more than i could ever imagine. i can do magic severus -- i can make things grow, and control them and make them do -- so many things. ‘ her voice grows quiet, ‘ i love magic. but sometimes it’s lonely, i know you’re just across the castle but.. it seems further sometimes. ‘
she’d made some friends, acquaintances. the potter boy drives her mad. she’s never sure if he’s going to be horrid or wonderful. and sirius is always right beside him. marlene, mary, dorcas -- she likes them. remus is a bit better than the others. she’s not as dependent on severus as she was at first. but a part of her misses the closeness. they were friends before hogwarts, they’ll be friends after it too.
