flesh wounded @xandemonium1274 - Tumblr Blog

I welcome all whores cannibals perverts and disgusting fucking freaks

i am NICK . i post whatever i want.

So i just found out everyone else is apparently using shaving cream on their pussies

#IM SO CONFUSED #IVE NEVER CUT MYSELF MY SHAVE IS ALWAYS CLEAN WITH JUST WATER AND A RAZOR #WHY DIDNT ANYONE TELL ME ABOUT THIS

literally pissed the bed last night Not even in a molested way i just drank too much water before sleeping

#While sleeping with my bf by the way not even my own bed #he was really nice about it tho #yk he really loves you when you can piss his bed and he still wants to cuddle after

i’d really just like to know what’s going on in your head. but i guess i kind of know enough of that. i wish you could just lay out flat on paper who you think i am, and i could mark all the differences down and show you where you’re wrong. but you won’t talk to me like that. maybe ill send you a fucking letter for once. nevermind i don’t even know your address. you think you know so fucking much about me. you think you know what makes me mad. you don’t know how much i think about that you’ll never get to see because i don’t want to hurt you. i keep myself so quiet about everything and i keep the peace, but you still got me all wrong, so maybe none of it was worth it.

whatever! i’ll still just wait for you to respond. and if you never do, i guess it’s kind of a weight off my shoulders. i just wish i knew who i was to you, because i really don’t think you know me at all.

i talk to you on here because i know you won’t respond. you won’t talk to me when we’re speaking directly, why would you care to read any of this? i’m just sorting out my own thoughts, really. in the morning i’ll probably start feeling all soft and self-hating again, convince myself that i can just fix it all again and make everything good. but that’s not going to make me feel any better, really. i just hate when people talk about me behind my back. it makes it feel like i shouldn’t even try anymore. and i probably will, and i’ll stuff all this bullshit down and never tell you any of it. but just for tonight i’d like to imagine myself as the kind of person who could just leave it for what it is. like i said, cut my losses.

and yeah it’ll suck a little. i’ll probably still get you your birthday presents because it’s all i can offer. and maybe if you actually want things to be better you’ll read what i said and maybe even dignify it with a response. and like i said, i do love you. youre one of the only real friends i’ve made in years. but i think thats only how i think about it. to you i’m just a mean bitch and you don’t want to deal with my problems, so maybe it’s easier if i stop making you.

it’s funny how when i’m not the one trying no one talks to me. it makes me feel a little sad. but it’s okay, because i’m gonna get through these next few awful years with my parents and college, and then maybe i’m going to move out and find better people. ones who actually want to know me, instead of just barely putting up with me.

it’s funny how we all talk behind each other’s backs. sometimes i wish i could be really, truly, honest with you. but i don’t want to make you feel bad, and it’s not my issue to argue anyway. someday maybe youll talk to each other and figure it out. i don’t have to be there for it. I don’t want things to be like this but if it has to be i can deal with it. i’ve had no one before. it was nice to feel like i had you for a while. but i’m indicative of a larger issue, and if you cause me grief and i am a burden to you maybe we should all just cut our losses.

#and maybe i’m the mean one and i’m putting words in your mouth #but it’s not like you care enough to tell me any different #like he said the silence is enough of an answer

and you do drain me. and i am tired of the constant going in circles and patching things up when you could’ve just said something however many months ago. i think youre a good guy but not to me. i don’t like the way you perceive me and i don’t think i can change it so maybe i’ll just.. leave. i have my boys upstate. i’ve felt the drift from the one who really matters for months, we can keep it how it’s become. text when it matters and hang out once a month or whatever. i like the girl, i want to see her more. and of course i’ll keep my little alien. but you throw a wrench into things, and i’m tired of watching everything you do from a strange non-distance, and i’m tired of thinking about how you think of me. so i could just… not anymore. no skin off your back, i’m a bitch anyway.

i can think about it more later, the logistics of it all. mute the chats, talk to people privately only. i love you but you don’t love me and you don’t know me either, and you don’t seem to want to try. so maybe it’s easier for everyone to just remove myself.

#it’s funny timing #i was just thinking about how easy itd be to just never talk to any of them again #i mean obviously ill keep the alien #and the one who knows me #but yk. maybe you just aren’t worth all this #if you never knew me in the first place and you won’t help when i try to fix things #i can leave you to your whole thing and just not have to deal with it #it’s the easy way out #i usually don’t take that but maybe i will #all depends on you i guess. i don’t want to be around someone who views me like that.

my love is not gentle nor is it kind and i am a bad person

updated list of things i know about myself

- good gift giver

- good friend

- loyal

- a writer (barely)

- good communicator

- i am only a persona made to suit you. and even when i try to be my truest self people will interpret it strangely and turn me into something else, then get upset about it.

- deeply, clinically ill and should not be trusted to take care of myself or you

- angry at myself above anything else

- takes my problems out on others

- black hole that you shouldn’t get close to because we all just get hurt

#maybe i do just need to stop trying #go back to how it used to be when i only had one person who i could trust to get me #everything else has only caused everyone involved more grief #i can live with having one real friend i never needed anything else. it was just really nice while it lasted #for me at least #not for anyone else it turns out

i am a burden to those i thought i could trust to tell me when i was being too much. i don’t know what to do about any of it. how am i supposed to trust someone who can’t tell me how they really feel except in the most extenuating circumstances? i don’t want to have to pull things back from the brink of collapse every time. i don’t want to be the person sending paragraphs to attempt to be understood. i don’t want to be cool bitchy or mean bitchy. i didn’t think i was either of those things, i wasn’t trying to be. People perceive me in a really strange way and i don’t know how to fix it. I wish i could just autopsy myself and let them see inside and understand for themselves. i don’t know how i’m supposed to communicate my own issues because every time i do it becomes apparent that i am the problem and people have had even worse issues with me for a long time and then i have to fix those. I was never trying to burn bridges i don’t want to create distance i want to be talked to and understood and understand in turn. i can’t handle this kind of thing it makes it all feel fake and worthless and like i shouldn’t even try to fix it anymore. Indicative of a larger issue. Yeah im the fucking issue you should have known better. we both should’ve. i can’t tell where the blame begins and ends. i try to stress honesty so much i try to have dialogue i want everyone to be open and honest with me so this kind of thing doesn’t happen. and it always happens. i get where he comes from when he says its useless to even try to be understood. i don’t want to be talked about behind my back. i’m scared of the things youve said that he hasn’t told me. i just wanted to be normal thats all ive ever wanted and i actually thought i was getting there but it turns out i was wrong!!! i was just plain wrong and a bad friend and it’s my fault now. And i’m going to fix it again, and then i’m going to pray i don’t fuck it up. Again.

i just want to be a good friend it’s all ive ever had to rely on. i think i give good gifts to attempt to prove that. it sucks when the rug gets pulled out from under you and you suddenly realize things arent as good as you thought. all i ever wanted was to be a good friend. i think i’ve lost an important part of myself and i don’t know where it went. now i’m just a sinkhole of a human and everyone knows it

costar likes to lie to make me feel better. i think its especially bad since all the ai shit. it does the llm thing where it tells you you’re right all the time. this is just regurgitating my own thoughts back at me

#its not talking about romantic relationships #but it maybe does apply to the platonic ones.#idk. like this is basically word for word what my therapist told me about The Current State Of Affairs #but i know better and i know this is my fault #i don’t need astrology reinforcing my martyr complex i do that just fine on my own

and i’m not even a good friend is the thing. that’s something i thought i could keep. but i don’t know anymore. i wrote a list of things about myself because of course i have a deep awful struggle with self-identity and i have always relied on others to show me who i am because i cannot see it. and that list had three things on it the only things i could think to describe myself as were “good friend. loyal. writer.” and the writer thing is barely true anymore and the loyalty is conditional on being a good friend and i just dont think i am that anymore. So who am i?

i don’t know. i wish i wasn’t so fragile. it feels like people see me as this angry, strong little creature and i don’t know how to explain theyre WRONG!!! I am not an angry person!!! i am disappointed and confused and sad and frustrated and ashamed and when it comes out it looks like anger because otherwise it will come out as weakness and that never goes well. i am not strong i am an emotional wreck i need constant comfort and love and i don’t think anyone really can see that. I live behind a mask (hah.) and it feels like anyone should be able to see through it but they just don’t. and then it all comes back to being Known. it feels like only one person ever has actually known me. and we don’t live in that world anymore. he doesn’t have to know me he’s not my partner anymore theres no duo left theres just me, stuck here forever. and how do you explain any of it to someone who wasn’t there? i hate myself. all my anger is inward. i’m sorry for everything all the time but like i said before. weakness. I play such a good act i dont know who i am behind it and neither does anyone else, apparently. i kind of thought you could see through it at least a little but you can’t and i hurt you and i don’t know how to fix anything. all i ever wanted was to talk and be known and be understood and the only person who ever will just has no use for that part of me anymore. i don’t know how to be on my own.

i don’t know how not to be a burden. i thought things were going okay. i didn’t know you thought of me that way and it hurts. i don’t want to be that person, whoever it is. i want to be me. and i don’t even really exist. so i’m what you want me to be, or what i think you want me to be, and when i get that wrong i’m the bad guy again and i end up sorry every time. sorry sorry sorry. the only thing i ever say anymore.

i am so sick of it all it’s gotten to the point where i miss It because then at least i had a partner. I had a partner and an enemy and that was all there had to be in my life. and now i have to manage my feelings and my future and a million other people’s too. and it feels like everyone is growing without me. it feels like the people i used to be able to trust to always talk to me about their problems have realized i’m not useful anymore. i always thought that if i had nothing else good about me at least i could be a good friend. but no one needs a friend anymore do they? it feels like i’m stuck forever and i thought i could trust at least a few people to help me out or even just be stuck with me but youre all changing youre all getting better youre all finding your way and i just can’t. i don’t think i was supposed to be alive this long, it always comes back to that, i was supposed to have an ending and i missed it and now i’m running in these circles forever

I want you to know i am still me. I am trying really hard to find the balance between myself and vulnerability and the fact that i cannot be vulnerable. It is a hard thing to be known and even harder to realize you are not. There are things about me that almost no one in the world can or will ever understand and i have changed irrevocably because of them. But i am still me i am still here. Always and forever for you and everyone else. I am sorry i cannot be kind i am sorry it feels like i changed. I am trying to find the balance like i said but i think my soul is heavier than the feather forever and there are things i can’t take back no matter how much i wish to

#i post hoping you will see and understand and perhaps even forgive #I am not a forgiving person i try to be though #i am trying

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