you are your own memorial

🌻find your mark and make it🌻

[polyhedric-dimension]

Who are you when you're not performing?

[xhonestsleepx]

I’m grateful to have had you in my life for a period of time. I’m grateful to have gotten to know you and share some of the darkest parts of myself with you. I’m grateful for our experiences together. Even though it seems most of our time together was painful and heartbreaking, even the breakup, it all played a role in shaping who I am today. I couldn’t be happier with the person I am presently. I’m grateful to have healed wounds that allow me to share freely my experiences to help others. The healed wounds have made me a good mother. They’ve also been pivotal in my career. I could never shut out the past. I don’t dwell on it, even though my mind sometimes seems to want to go down that rabbit hole. I no longer feel traumatized to the extreme that I have to avoid places and people, or have panic attacks when I am faced with those people or places. I’m free. I wish you were too. I at least just want to tell you

Thank you.

[xhonestsleepx]

It’s insane how much I don’t want to do something for myself that requires going out in public some days. It scares me. My anxiety intensifies. I want to get in my bed and put it off until it’s too late. (I’m in my bed doing this right now. Dressed to go and everything.)

[xhonestsleepx]

I don’t post on here much at all anymore but I wanted to share. When I was 6 years old my mom walked out on me bringing my brother with her and leaving me to the care of my grandparents. Ever since then she was in and out of my life and I would sometimes go 6 months to a year without seeing her. I resented her so much growing up but also just wished she would love me and be my mom. I went through multiple psych units and struggled with heroin addiction for about 7 years. After finally getting sober in 2020 and having my daughter in 2022, our relationship has done nothing but grow.

Last weekend she found out her biological father passed away. Just like her and my father, he abandoned her as well. She last saw him nearly a year ago after 16 years and got him to meet my daughter. She didn’t tell me when the funeral was or where but after finding out, I left work and showed up when she needed me most.

Despite what we’ve been through, holding a grudge would only keep me sick. What matters to me is the effort she puts in today, and I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to hold her past against her just as I wouldn’t want someone to hold my past against me.

I can’t tell you how much this short conversation means to me. My wish is that this can maybe give someone hope with their own struggles with familial strain and parental abandonment.

[xhonestsleepx]

It’s been some time huh?

I’m not sure what I’m doing here. I find myself always coming back when I feel separate and disconnected from everyone around me.

[xhonestsleepx]

It’s fucking embarrassing when you’re not doing too hot mentally and everyday is a fucking drag then your partner comes at you with the “why do you always have to be so negative” and the “why can’t we just have fun when we go somewhere”.

I don’t want to be this way dude, I promise.

[xhonestsleepx]

Why is everything so fucking dull

[xhonestsleepx]

I need some one to be raw and real with. I’m sick of having relationships where there’s this big disconnect.

[xhonestsleepx]

I’m so tired of going back and forth with this depression bullshit

[blumencia]

[witchboxco]

[xhonestsleepx]

Three years into sobriety and I still don’t know how to be normal. How do you small talk? How do you approach people? How do you not look unapproachable? Looking unapproachable was always a defense mechanism that apparently is really hard to break.

[xhonestsleepx]

3 years of continuous sobriety!

[lostofthedead]

[xhonestsleepx]

Guuuyys

For the people that have been following me for a long time, like since I was a hardcore heroin junkie, I got big things happenin!

I’m officially running process groups at an outpatient level of care for substance abuse and co-occurring disorders!

I still feel like a person like me is not qualified for this sort of thing but it’s motivating to continue learning therapy theories and techniques at an individual and group level. Also have the experience of being a drug addict, being a toxic person, having different mental health disorders, trauma, co-dependent relationships, etc helps a lot too.

A hopeless, suicidal drug addict like me counseling a group of alcoholics/addicts and being trusted with a key to the building? What a concept

[fantazzzmita]

Masaaki Sasamoto

[hildeeveraert]

Parmigianino, Diana and Actaeon 16th Century, Fresco Detail